Life is a series of events and mental states.

[The.End]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and The way I see it, life is just a series of different events, being experienced by me, and depending on my mental states, I experience those different events in different ways.

For example most of the time (I'd say around 80% of the time) I'm usually just sitting alone and thinking and at those times I feel like suicide is an absolute must for me and I just have to do it, but then there is the other 20% of the time (like when I speak to my mother and hear her voice) I feel like I can never kill myself and do that to her.

I'm never of a singular mind. I'm a slave to my mental state and my emotions and I have little to no control over either or any of it.

It's like I'm being driven around in a beat up, piece of shit car while I sit in the back seat, I can barely see it out of the windows, I don't know who's driving, I don't know where I'm going and I have no to say in any of it.

Maybe that part of the main reason why suicide feels so appealing to me (at least most of the time). It gives me a sense of (final) control over an otherwise uncontrollable and unpredictably world.

My point is, life feels so chaotic and all I can do is experience it, and my mental state at any given time pretty much dictate how I experience it

Does this make any sense to anyone? In my head it does but when I try to put it into words, it sounds like mumbo-jumbo.

If you've made it to the end of this post then I thank you. I really needed to tell somebody and get this if my chest for a long time.

 

[crimea_river]

Makes perfect sense to me, I had a therapist once who used the phrase 'Life's just a series of experiences'. I think they used it to tell me to chill out and stop stressing about stuff, but it also indicates the lack of control we actually have, no matter how much we delude ourselves otherwise.

 

[SinisterKid]

A couple of fairly recent studies into suicide found that suicide is not always about mental ill health [depression etc] but often about control. Our lives are out of control, as you put so eloquently, that suicide gives us back some of that control. So it would appear, you are very much not alone in thinking this way.

As for the series of experiences, could not agree more.

 

[The.End]

Makes perfect sense to me, I had a therapist once who used the phrase 'Life's just a series of experiences'. I think they used it to tell me to chill out and stop stressing about stuff, but it also indicates the lack of control we actually have, no matter how much we delude ourselves otherwise.

Your therapist had a good point, I also believe stressing about things we have no control over is just a complete waste of energy and it doesn't really solve anything. Even though I do believe that and it Sounds good in theory, my reality is a different story.

I think my main problem is the fact I spend most of my time alone just thinking about how fucked my life is.

At the same time, I don't want my life to get better, because if I do, I'll start to have hope, and if I have hope I'll ultimately be setting myself up for another disappointing and heartbreaking failure. I'm honestly not sure If can take another one of those.

I also believe Hope is truly a (maybe one of the most) important but dangerous things a person can experience.

 

[Thorn]

I know what a thousand thoughts at the same time feels like. Zoning out is sort of a self defense. When someone comes to me to talk, I'm clueless, because I don't know which answer to pull out of that abyss, and present as something that makes sense and is in context. I see everything as an abstract mess, and I mostly can come to a philosophical conclusion, and people see it as evasive or even absurd. Depends on who I'm talking to. Being drugged into oblivion is the solution offered to me, and I took it. Ant it all still comes through that, just not all the time. Ability not to think would make existence so much easier. Maybe I could even be a politician. Well, probably not.

 

[cornflowerblue]

You might enjoy this short story https://www.mit.edu/people/dpolicar/writing/prose/text/thinkingMeat.html

 

[true faith]

I feel this... love the "shitty car" analogy.
On the one hand it's hard to stay 100% committed to ending your life, and on the other it's even harder to commit to staying around. As I type that out, I feel like it should be reason enough for me to go through with it--why waste time seeing how much longer I can keep this limbo going?

 

[Jessica5]

I feel like I need to kill myself at least 99% of the time.

There aren't that many differing mental states for me.

I'm only alive because I want some method that has a 0% chance of turning me into a vegetable. I'm beginning to realize that no such method exists.

 

[bigj75]

I feel like I need to kill myself at least 99% of the time.

There aren't that many differing mental states for me.

I'm only alive because I want some method that has a 0% chance of turning me into a vegetable. I'm beginning to realize that no such method exists.

There is no 0% other than beheading i suppose.

 

[not_a_robot]

I hope it's all just random and meaningless because if life has meaning then mine means something pretty shitty.

 

[Umbra]

You're on the right track. Everything you have ever and will ever do has been influenced much more by your environment and instinct than free will; if we are even capable of such a thing.

 

[262653]

Would you like to be the passanger in a non-shitty car?

 

[Jon86]

I've had two states

1. 0-12 happiness
2. 13-33 depression

Sure there has been slight variance but by and large that's my life, two distinct states of being.

 

[Soul]

I'm very familiar with that shitty car, @The.End - thank you for describing it so vividly.

People aren't usually very aware of how varied our "I-states" are, so congratulations to whichever of your "I-states" has noticed.

And @Burzolog, you bet I'd prefer a non-shitty car. Have me picked up downstairs in an hour, right

 

[262653]

And @Burzolog, you bet I'd prefer a non-shitty car. Have me picked up downstairs in an hour, right

That was... hypothetical question.

Ok, the true meaning behind it: I assume that suicide in your case is not about accessing control, but to get out of the "trash car", a horrible way of living. I see taking control as a means, and getting out of the "trash car" as an end. Would you be fine living an overall enjoyable life even if you'd feel having no control over the world? I assume that you would, but I want to hear your answer nonetheless.

 

[Soul]

That was... hypothetical question.

Ok, the true meaning behind it: I assume that suicide in your case is not about accessing control, but to get out of the "trash car", a horrible way of living. I see taking control as a means, and getting out of the "trash car" as an end. Would you be fine living an overall enjoyable life even if you'd feel having no control over the world? I assume that you would, but I want to hear your answer nonetheless.

I sometimes dream I'm driving a car and I find that so terrifying always I wake up. I don't drive in real life either. I'm responsible for way too much as it is.

So yes, please. Send that good car around and I'll turn up the music and enjoy the hell out of it.