HellinHeaven
seeking for salvation
- Jan 12, 2019
- 63
Some thoughts from me
The longer I live the more I get to the conclusion that life is a complete irrational thing and there's no use of telling eternal truths or to put everything in well-ordered drawers or to justify something with arguments of logic or moral or anything else. Every thesis depends on your worldview, if life is a fortune or a nightmare for you. Every thinking divides us from world, from being, we put the fluent life into congealed words and wonder why we miss life. You cannot understand life. Every discussion is meaningless, every truth I had is collapsed, what we do later on depends anyway about what we feel, fear or crave. I realized that the only thing that really counts is, if you can love, then there's no right or wrong, no good or bad, no judgement at all. Like Matthew Silver said: "You can't get away from your heart, because life is a paradox, it's a mirror of confusion, so love … now".
I failed so many years. I was never been ready to devote to that was inside me with all consequences, regardless whereto it takes me. I wasn't brave enough, I lived like a stone, I was frightened of death and of life, I was a coward, who cannnot live and cannot die. This will stop now. I will put everything in the balance, ctb is located in autumn, if I don't accomplish to stop avoiding life and anything that makes it worthy, because of trauma, missing feelings, derealization and passivity, unable to get into any intimate relationship. The braver I get, the nearer I approach death; but maybe coincidentally the nearer I get life, because there is new space for development now. This time I will listen to my inside voice and it's compulsion. Don't know where this is ending, either in joy or in nonexistance. Doesn't matter as long as I am free, free from this vegetating condition, that lulls me to sleep but doesn't kills me. I feel like I am buried alive.
The longer I live the more I get to the conclusion that life is a complete irrational thing and there's no use of telling eternal truths or to put everything in well-ordered drawers or to justify something with arguments of logic or moral or anything else. Every thesis depends on your worldview, if life is a fortune or a nightmare for you. Every thinking divides us from world, from being, we put the fluent life into congealed words and wonder why we miss life. You cannot understand life. Every discussion is meaningless, every truth I had is collapsed, what we do later on depends anyway about what we feel, fear or crave. I realized that the only thing that really counts is, if you can love, then there's no right or wrong, no good or bad, no judgement at all. Like Matthew Silver said: "You can't get away from your heart, because life is a paradox, it's a mirror of confusion, so love … now".
I failed so many years. I was never been ready to devote to that was inside me with all consequences, regardless whereto it takes me. I wasn't brave enough, I lived like a stone, I was frightened of death and of life, I was a coward, who cannnot live and cannot die. This will stop now. I will put everything in the balance, ctb is located in autumn, if I don't accomplish to stop avoiding life and anything that makes it worthy, because of trauma, missing feelings, derealization and passivity, unable to get into any intimate relationship. The braver I get, the nearer I approach death; but maybe coincidentally the nearer I get life, because there is new space for development now. This time I will listen to my inside voice and it's compulsion. Don't know where this is ending, either in joy or in nonexistance. Doesn't matter as long as I am free, free from this vegetating condition, that lulls me to sleep but doesn't kills me. I feel like I am buried alive.
