Venting Life is a fucking hell but Im such a coward to hang myself.

[VVL]

I just went outside for the first time in months. Had an appointment with my old psychiatrist, I had decided to get back on meds bc I thought for a brief moment that things could get better. Ended up having a crisis right after leaving her office. The pain was insufferable, I was about to jump out of the moving taxi bc I couldnt take it anymore. My mom was with me and I was just embarrassing her in front of everyone. When I got home I was ready to go full hanging (partial didnt work so Im trying full instead), but here I am still alive.
I don't understand. Even tho my life has fallen apart and I'm aware that there's no future for me like even my family wants me dead at this point, I still can't bring myself to kill myself. I keep chickening out when I think that it won't work and that I'll just suffer for a good 3 minutes before passing out. But then I think about all the reasons why I want to ctb and I just try it once more, this goes on until I get tired and fall asleep.

If I had a gun I wouldve blown my brains out already. When I have another crisis I think I will just go to those dangerous areas that are all over my city and beg to whoever is there to shoot myself, my crisis are getting worse to the point where Im capable of doing anything just to stop the intensive pain Im feeling right at the moment. The mistake I made today (besides trusting again in the healthcare system from my country) was to wait until I had calmed myself down to try and kill myself.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I feel your pain but I doubt your family wants you dead. You are not a coward. It takes balls of steel to cbt,, I have chickened out every time. Give the meds a few weeks, they may help you.

 

[VVL]

I feel your pain but I doubt your family wants you dead. You are not a coward. It takes balls of steel to cbt,, I have chickened out every time. Give the meds a few weeks, they may help you.

Thank you

 

[Roadrunner]

I feel your pain but I doubt your family wants you dead. You are not a coward. It takes balls of steel to cbt,, I have chickened out every time. Give the meds a few weeks, they may help you.

Balls of steel is a great description. I've always said "I don't have the "testicular fortitude" to do it, even while suffering through terrible anxiety and depression. People who successfully CTB I consider super strong. Imho

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

Balls of steel is a great description. I've always said "I don't have the "testicular fortitude" to do it, even while suffering through terrible anxiety and depression. People who successfully CTB I consider super strong. Imho

I concur. Sadly there have been some people here with ovaries of steel who have taken the ultimate plunge as well.