Life hates me and WANTS me DEAD

[AintNoWayOut]

not to say i havent still been suffering and suicidal, as that'd be the opposite of the truth, but around november i planned to ctb this month. i was going to relax the first half, really research how to pull it off from the 14th to the 21st, then prepare and act upon it sometime during the final week. however, i felt i might've been too ambitious, as my options are pretty limited given my living situation, so when the 14th came, i just treated it like another day and figured i'd "get around" to deciding how i'll sui later. its kind of a coping mechanism for me to just know that option is there and to think to myself "soon it'll all be over", but idk, i really wanted to stop fantasizing and finally act upon it this time. however, being realistic, i figured i might have to end up giving it another couple of months if i want it to be a success and die peacefully. but then something happened today which just reminded me of how bad things really are, and gave me confirmation that i should just get this shit over with ASAP.

so i've mentioned many times here how physical issues are what have led to most of my suffering, and are ultimately the reason im on this forum today. i have chronic pain and tightness in my upper back and neck, which affects my ability to act "natural" much of the time, so i can come off as awkward or "out of it". its difficult to explain how or why that correlation exists, but its had a severe impact on my overall personality and behavior, and people can read it. it led to me isolating myself and losing friends, because our encounters just werent the same. socializing often becomes embarrassing and uncomfortable on my end. just try to imagine attempting to function as a normal person with a bunch of screws tightly placed in your neck and trap muscles. its basically impossible, it fucks up your coordination and overall sense of rhythm and comfort in your body, idk how to put it. so getting to the point now... at work today, it was bothering me a fair amount, as usual. i was just feeling very stiff and frustrated, feeling trapped in myself and anxious as hell. so a couple young girls approach the counter, and while trying to appear as "normal" as possible, it clearly didnt work as the pain has 95% of control over my actions and behavior, and one of the girls said under her breath, "this guy is so weird".

this might sound like an overreaction, but those words messed my whole day. i mean, every day is already ruined from the very moment i wake up from the pain as its bound to be a repeat of the last, but this only made it more painful. it was rubbing salt into the wound. it was a cruel reminder that this is what people think of me trying my best to live and cope with this extreme pain and discomfort which i did nothing to deserve. im feeling shitty enough, then you do this? she purposely said it loud enough so that i could hear it, then went back to acting all polite... that must be what all of these fake people think of looking at me, and the way i move and operate. that im just a weirdo, or a creep, because of some bullshit i cant control. and it made me more suicidal than i've been recently, i just had the urge to end it right there right then. it took a part of my soul, letting me know that my life will never go back to normal and THIS is what i've become. just a weirdo, no longer a human. i wish they could feel my fucking pain and have their lives ruined. god dammit its not fucking fair. and now im seriously considering just making an attempt before the month ends, even if off of impulse. if i survive, at least they'll see just how much i've been going through and maybe sympathize.

i know this was a long ass ranty post, but i have to vent somewhere... i have nowhere else. life has been so relentlessly cruel to me for no reason, it just wants me to die already. i shouldnt even be dealing with this pain bullshit in the first place... fuck, one mistake and everything is over. im sick knowing this is what my one chance at life came to. i really dont want to die but life has given me no other choice. why me? why us? why does life treat some of us so horribly? fairness is a fucking myth. fuck people who say karma exists, its a lie. i did nothing wrong, and there are plenty of shit heads living it up as i type this, feeling so empty and defeated.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry for all your pain that you are suffering. I can relate a little having had to keep my leg on ice today but, I know it's nothing compared to you. There is one thing that came to my mind while reading your story. The girls had no idea you were in pain. Had they known, they probably would have acted different.You are not a weirdo at all. If you spoke up and told them that you're pain, I think the girl would have felt ashamed for having said that. It might make your life easier if you simply mentioned your in pain to people. I'm sure you would get a lot more kindness and understanding. I hope it gets better for you.

 

[Anon2662]

@AintNoWayOut sorry this happened to you! I agree with @Hopeindeath! you should have told the girls you were in pain. Hopefully she would have realised what a cow she had been and felt very guilty. But even if she didn't.. You don't deserve to be treated like that and she deserved to be called out on her behaviour for being so damn rude.
Saying that, I can't leave the house due to my MH, so totally understand why you may not have felt confident to stand up to her.
But please remember, you in no way deserve to be treated in that way and it was probably just that girls emotional immaturity showing. Girls can be vile (and I am one! Though hopefully not vile haha!)
Always here to listen if you need to vent!

 

[Soul]

@AintNoWayOut, I'm sorry you're in so much pain and on top of that not getting the courteous sympathy you deserve. I have a disability that isn't visible to most people, and I agree with everyone else here that you should speak up about your pain. "I have a painful neck injury but how can I help you?" is a far better way to go than an impulse attempt that risks messing your body and life even more.

Please be careful. x

 

[Iloveyouall]

not to say i havent still been suffering and suicidal, as that'd be the opposite of the truth, but around november i planned to ctb this month. i was going to relax the first half, really research how to pull it off from the 14th to the 21st, then prepare and act upon it sometime during the final week. however, i felt i might've been too ambitious, as my options are pretty limited given my living situation, so when the 14th came, i just treated it like another day and figured i'd "get around" to deciding how i'll sui later. its kind of a coping mechanism for me to just know that option is there and to think to myself "soon it'll all be over", but idk, i really wanted to stop fantasizing and finally act upon it this time. however, being realistic, i figured i might have to end up giving it another couple of months if i want it to be a success and die peacefully. but then something happened today which just reminded me of how bad things really are, and gave me confirmation that i should just get this shit over with ASAP.

so i've mentioned many times here how physical issues are what have led to most of my suffering, and are ultimately the reason im on this forum today. i have chronic pain and tightness in my upper back and neck, which affects my ability to act "natural" much of the time, so i can come off as awkward or "out of it". its difficult to explain how or why that correlation exists, but its had a severe impact on my overall personality and behavior, and people can read it. it led to me isolating myself and losing friends, because our encounters just werent the same. socializing often becomes embarrassing and uncomfortable on my end. just try to imagine attempting to function as a normal person with a bunch of screws tightly placed in your neck and trap muscles. its basically impossible, it fucks up your coordination and overall sense of rhythm and comfort in your body, idk how to put it. so getting to the point now... at work today, it was bothering me a fair amount, as usual. i was just feeling very stiff and frustrated, feeling trapped in myself and anxious as hell. so a couple young girls approach the counter, and while trying to appear as "normal" as possible, it clearly didnt work as the pain has 95% of control over my actions and behavior, and one of the girls said under her breath, "this guy is so weird".

this might sound like an overreaction, but those words messed my whole day. i mean, every day is already ruined from the very moment i wake up from the pain as its bound to be a repeat of the last, but this only made it more painful. it was rubbing salt into the wound. it was a cruel reminder that this is what people think of me trying my best to live and cope with this extreme pain and discomfort which i did nothing to deserve. im feeling shitty enough, then you do this? she purposely said it loud enough so that i could hear it, then went back to acting all polite... that must be what all of these fake people think of looking at me, and the way i move and operate. that im just a weirdo, or a creep, because of some bullshit i cant control. and it made me more suicidal than i've been recently, i just had the urge to end it right there right then. it took a part of my soul, letting me know that my life will never go back to normal and THIS is what i've become. just a weirdo, no longer a human. i wish they could feel my fucking pain and have their lives ruined. god dammit its not fucking fair. and now im seriously considering just making an attempt before the month ends, even if off of impulse. if i survive, at least they'll see just how much i've been going through and maybe sympathize.

i know this was a long ass ranty post, but i have to vent somewhere... i have nowhere else. life has been so relentlessly cruel to me for no reason, it just wants me to die already. i shouldnt even be dealing with this pain bullshit in the first place... fuck, one mistake and everything is over. im sick knowing this is what my one chance at life came to. i really dont want to die but life has given me no other choice. why me? why us? why does life treat some of us so horribly? fairness is a fucking myth. fuck people who say karma exists, its a lie. i did nothing wrong, and there are plenty of shit heads living it up as i type this, feeling so empty and defeated.

I bursted out in tears reading your post

I pity her. Some people are cruel monsters, they are so submissive to the world that they forget what caring about another being even is. Most people sucks and are fake but some aren't. Maybe they don't all consider you as a weirdo or a freak, maybe some just don't care about how you behave, they just consider it's not your fault, that you might be uncomfortable with it and that's it. And you know, even if they were all cruel fakers, fuck them, fuck those fake and cruel people, they don't deserve your consideration as they delude themselves in a fucking bad written fiction.
Of course people at first will see obviously that there is something different with you but so what actually ? You're a human, you can have flaws, every one does, no matter how hard we try to hide them, we are full of flaws and nobody asked for them. Real people know that. I'm not going to say that your are lucky with your situation but now you have some kind of a "Real Worthy Person radar", of course it was not free but eh, nothing is free in this shitplace.
I hope the physical pain is not too strong and that you have some ways to lessen it.
Maybe you could try to reach out to your friends, open to them, don't be scared, if they are really your friends they will listen, maybe not knowing how to react at first, but they will listen, and actually it may help them too in a way.

Don't be sorry for ranting, this girl was as much a bitch as life and that's something.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

thanks for the replies and kind words

I am so sorry for all your pain that you are suffering. I can relate a little having had to keep my leg on ice today but, I know it's nothing compared to you. There is one thing that came to my mind while reading your story. The girls had no idea you were in pain. Had they known, they probably would have acted different.You are not a weirdo at all. If you spoke up and told them that you're pain, I think the girl would have felt ashamed for having said that. It might make your life easier if you simply mentioned your in pain to people. I'm sure you would get a lot more kindness and understanding. I hope it gets better for you.

i dont want to have to mention my pain to everyone i encounter though. i hate that its a part of my life, especially to the extent where it affects me so much. and if that girl was careless and cruel enough to make that comment in the first place im not sure she would've acted/felt any differently had i mentioned that. its not really all about the girl though, it just served as a reminder that im viewed this way because of something i cant control, so even if people dont vocalize that they sense something is wrong with me they're still probably thinking it. i just wanna be normal and fit in.

I bursted out in tears reading your post

I pity her. Some people are cruel monsters, they are so submissive to the world that they forget what caring about another being even is. Most people sucks and are fake but some aren't. Maybe they don't all consider you as a weirdo or a freak, maybe some just don't care about how you behave, they just consider it's not your fault, that you might be uncomfortable with it and that's it. And you know, even if they were all cruel fakers, fuck them, fuck those fake and cruel people, they don't deserve your consideration as they delude themselves in a fucking bad written fiction.
Of course people at first will see obviously that there is something different with you but so what actually ? You're a human, you can have flaws, every one does, no matter how hard we try to hide them, we are full of flaws and nobody asked for them. Real people know that. I'm not going to say that your are lucky with your situation but now you have some kind of a "Real Worthy Person radar", of course it was not free but eh, nothing is free in this shitplace.
I hope the physical pain is not too strong and that you have some ways to lessen it.
Maybe you could try to reach out to your friends, open to them, don't be scared, if they are really your friends they will listen, maybe not knowing how to react at first, but they will listen, and actually it may help them too in a way.

Don't be sorry for ranting, this girl was as much a bitch as life and that's something.

thanks for the reply... as much as it hurt i've kinda moved past it. ultimately it was just one of many shitty moments in the past five years of my life. and man, i wish the pain was manageable and i could lessen or totally get rid of it, but i've basically tried everything possible and nothing has worked. its likely permanent and severe to the point where not much can be done to cope with it, or alleviate it to the point of being able to feel "normal".

my friends are pretty much all gone, i was forced to move about a year ago and they're all like an hour away from me now. we mostly fell out of contact after high school mainly bc the pain led me to isolate myself, but one of the few times i met up with my closest friends i did tell him what i was dealing with. it was nice to get it off my chest and give him a bit of an explanation as to why i wasnt acting like myself and keeping my distance, but again, he didnt fully understand it. and its hard to blame him, because prior to being in this situation, i wouldnt be able to wrap around my head around it either. its something you have to experience to get, its like a whole different world from living painlessly. also, talking about it sometimes feels useless because it does nothing to actually solve the problem. sure, it makes people a bit more sympathetic and understanding, but so long as the pain persists, feeling happy again is pretty much impossible. and as i mentioned earlier, talking about it can depress me because it reminds me of the fact that my life has come to this... that its become such a big part of me that i have to disclaim it to people. as if the pain is all there is to me, that the old me is gone. and then the regret consumes me. at this point i'd rather not exist than lead an existence which i dont feel reflects who i really am.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Thank you for sharing your insight and your perspective. You're right, I'm barely able to really imagine how different life is when you experience such chronic physical pain and how much impact it has on who you are inside. It's easy to empathize and talk about it, but it's nothing compared to understanding what it is to not be yourself anymore. I guess the only two choices that you're really left with are either regret or accept then, and both are painful anyway in the end. It's something you simply cannot intellectualize, you helped me understand that, thank you.

As much as you feel that pain is all there is to you, you're definitely not just your pain. It'll sound like a platitude but you are a kind, sensible and insightful person and it's something that's becoming more and more rare in this world. Anyone just need to read your post to understand that.
I wish you find peace no matter you choose.
Thank you again.

 

[Deathbydemo]

I am so incredibly, truly sorry for what you deal with. This post has honestly broken my heart. How cruel and ignorant for that girl to make such a horrible comment, not even realising it can tear someone apart. Again, I'm so very sorry.

Please don't do anything on impulse. Think it through 100%. We are here for you. Always.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

Thank you for sharing your insight and your perspective. You're right, I'm barely able to really imagine how different life is when you experience such chronic physical pain and how much impact it has on who you are inside. It's easy to empathize and talk about it, but it's nothing compared to understanding what it is to not be yourself anymore. I guess the only two choices that you're really left with are either regret or accept then, and both are painful anyway in the end. It's something you simply cannot intellectualize, you helped me understand that, thank you.

As much as you feel that pain is all there is to you, you're definitely not just your pain. It'll sound like a platitude but you are a kind, sensible and insightful person and it's something that's becoming more and more rare in this world. Anyone just need to read your post to understand that.
I wish you find peace no matter you choose.
Thank you again.

glad to give you some insight and thanks for the kind words. today was another rough day, and im sure tomorrow will be no different. it really is hell to be trapped in this situation, i just want to go back to simpler times where i could function like everyone else. but because i cant, i think im almost ready to commit... its the only way i'll find peace at this rate. really wish things could be different though.

I am so incredibly, truly sorry for what you deal with. This post has honestly broken my heart. How cruel and ignorant for that girl to make such a horrible comment, not even realising it can tear someone apart. Again, I'm so very sorry.

Please don't do anything on impulse. Think it through 100%. We are here for you. Always.

dont worry, it wont be on impulse. i've been fantasizing suicide for years, pretty much ever since i realized my issue was likely permanent. for the first couple years, i was miserable, but not quite obsessing with the idea of suicide bc i still had hope that maybe something could be done... i felt like there had to be a solution for my problem. but then, by the time i hit the third and fourth year marks, i pretty much knew i had tried everything and i was going to continue suffering until the end. btw, this all began at 16, and im 21 now. so it ruined lot of my important youth years which i'll never get back, taking away countless opportunities and experiences... so as time went on, and i missed out on more, i only became more depressed. seeing my friends enjoy high school and college while i rotted, it was mental torture added to the physical torture. and knowing it wouldnt get any better, that my future was going to be nothing but more pain and regret, i was ready for death. only reason i didnt do it then was because at the time i didnt have any resources (something im still working on), and i was living with my mom at the time and rarely ever left the house.

i stayed in my room basically 24/7 because the pain is mainly an issue while moving, so i figured i'd just wait things out until i'd had to move in with my dad, who'd expect me to work and eventually move out and get a career. i was depressed as shit at my mom's still though, feeling empty every day realizing all that i was missing out on, seeing the world still spinning around me with all my peers making tons of progress in their lives while i did nothing with myself due to ridiculous issues i couldnt control, but i could at least cope by having lots of privacy, time to myself, etc. i didnt have a "plan" but i sort of pictured myself moving in with my dad as being the end of the road for me since it'd mean leaving those copes behind. and when it happened, it was hell at first with lots of tension and arguing since my dad isnt a very understanding person and its much stricter/busier around here... but once i got a job he got off my back. BUT of course, the pain persisted and has made working unbearable much of the time. so now, at the five year mark and my pain getting no better, still feeling miserable every day, i've had enough. i've rationally thought everything out, and still being in this predicament despite all my efforts to make things work, it makes the most sense for me to cbt. its just not natural for someone to have to endure a life like this... it isnt worth living a life where i have NO control. so to end that ramble... thank you for the concern, but if i was an impulsive person i would've been buried probably like 3 years ago. idk how i've stuck it out this long, i guess survival instinct often outweighs our desire to escape pain. and the illusion of hope.