Venting Life feels like an eternity

[ijustwishtodie]

People say that time passes by fast for them but the contrary is happening to me. For me, time is passing by super, super slowly. I've only been in existence for 19 years and yet it feels like an eternity. I just want to be dead already and I hate how long life is. Why can't it end already??

 

[Darkover]

When life feels slow and overwhelming, every moment can seem stretched out and unbearable. It's frustrating when time drags on, especially when you're feeling low or disconnected. I understand your wish for it to end, given how long and tiring life can seem.

 

[brokeandbroken]

People say that time passes by fast for them but the contrary is happening to me. For me, time is passing by super, super slowly. I've only been in existence for 19 years and yet it feels like an eternity. I just want to be dead already and I hate how long life is. Why can't it end already??

Ehh I felt that way too as a kid. No friends and little to do led to a lot of boredom. So time went by really slowly. As an adult it's been a mixture. At times pretty quickly at other times really slowly. Honestly now? Time? What's time when every second is miserable? When you have nothing to look forward to? When there isn't good things on the horizon or in the future. When just the only thing on the menu for you is suffering. What's time. Doesn't really exist. Just waiting to die really.

 

[geogaddi_676]

When you're young your feelings are new and felt more heavily I would say, and as you get older you learn to just get through life on autopilot, aka going through the motions necessary for survival, you have seen and felt it all before many times, and things you once anticipated in excitement just lessen and lessen, making days just pass away into a haze. You just have to find something to pass the time that makes the time in between all the necessary chores bearable, for me its reading philosophy and other areas of interest, and I'm lucky to have a few close friends that meet my limited social needs, and to live near nice natural areas. It is a truism that life seems to pass more quickly as you age, that's definitely been my experience, I still have my painful and slow days, but I have coping mechanisms now and wisdom tells me that everything is impermanent and is lost into the abyss of time eventually, nothing lasts, so I hold less importance to things that once wracked me. Even though your feelings are valid, you're still very young, and from my experience life does get easier, less highs and lows, but more homeostasis/equilibrium.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Ehh I felt that way too as a kid. No friends and little to do led to a lot of boredom. So time went by really slowly. As an adult it's been a mixture. At times pretty quickly at other times really slowly. Honestly now? Time? What's time when every second is miserable? When you have nothing to look forward to? When there isn't good things on the horizon or in the future. When just the only thing on the menu for you is suffering. What's time. Doesn't really exist. Just waiting to die really.

I resonate with all of this but this is the reason why I find time to be eternally long. Every second for me is misery and I don't want to do anything in the future. I just wish I could be dead so that time would permanently end for me.

When you're young your feelings are new and felt more heavily I would say, and as you get older you learn to just get through life on autopilot, aka going through the motions necessary for survival, you have seen and felt it all before many times, and things you once anticipated in excitement just lessen and lessen, making days just pass away into a haze. You just have to find something to pass the time that makes the time in between all the necessary chores bearable, for me its reading philosophy and other areas of interest, and I'm lucky to have a few close friends that meet my limited social needs, and to live near nice natural areas. It is a truism that life seems to pass more quickly as you age, that's definitely been my experience, I still have my painful and slow days, but I have coping mechanisms now and wisdom tells me that everything is impermanent and is lost into the abyss of time eventually, nothing lasts, so I hold less importance to things that once wracked me. Even though your feelings are valid, you're still very young, and from my experience life does get easier, less highs and lows, but more homeostasis/equilibrium.

Don't generalise your experience to me. We're nothing alike. I want to die to escape aging and having to survive. I see nothing beautiful about adulthood and, for me, it's only suffering and torment. I'm unable to handle adulthood nor do I want to. I never asked for any recovery related advice as I didn't post this in the recovery section. I have no desire to stay alive and the only thing that I want is death

 

[brokeandbroken]

I resonate with all of this but this is the reason why I find time to be eternally long. Every second for me is misery and I don't want to do anything in the future. I just wish I could be dead so that time would permanently end for me.

Like I said I genuinely don't have *anything* good in my life. I have nothing to look forward to. It's devoid of all meaning. I've tried asking for help. I've tried all of things. I'm just like a reject from the world. Someone born to suffer basically. Someone literally not a single soul cares about.

 

[geogaddi_676]

Apologies, I didn't mean to generalize, I did say in my experience, but I can see how you interpret my message that way. Your feelings are valid and I totally understand how you would reach such a conclusion, I often feel the same, there are often no words or copes that can justify life, and the only solution seems to be to end it, its a rational response to an unwinnable situation. I hope you find peace, it will come eventually.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Like I said I genuinely don't have *anything* good in my life. I have nothing to look forward to. It's devoid of all meaning. I've tried asking for help. I've tried all of things. I'm just like a reject from the world. Someone born to suffer basically. Someone literally not a single soul cares about.

I'm the exact same or at least I think I am. There's nothing good in my life as well. My entire life has just been me forced to do things that I never wanted to do. I never wanted to go to school, go to university, never wanted to socialise, never wanted to be a human, never want to work etc etc. There genuinely isn't anything that I want to do or anything good in life for me as I have anhedonia and don't enjoy anything at all. All I do is to pass time but even then time feels eternally long. We both deserve better, we really do. In my case, I can only get what I deserve by death since then I won't ever have to suffer or deal with any human bullshit for the rest of my life

 

[escape_from_hell]

Ehh I felt that way too as a kid. No friends and little to do led to a lot of boredom. So time went by really slowly. As an adult it's been a mixture. At times pretty quickly at other times really slowly. Honestly now? Time? What's time when every second is miserable? When you have nothing to look forward to? When there isn't good things on the horizon or in the future. When just the only thing on the menu for you is suffering. What's time. Doesn't really exist. Just waiting to die really.

Exactly. Well said. Boredom is no longer the time drag as when you're young and looking forward to "getting off work" "starting the weekend" or "maybe have a tryst" "party" "play the new video game" "listen to the cool new tunes" "watch the new movie" or whatever. Absolutely none of it means shit. Even drugs are just a blip. But pain. That's there. Eventually these things can't even drown it out. I hope the kids appreciate what they've got now...i'm no prolifer but damn they should be enjoying...cuz it ain't usually getting more kickass as you get older.

 

[Forever Sleep]

'Time flies when you're having fun'. I think that's the key really- we're not!

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I hope the kids appreciate what they've got now...i'm no prolifer but damn they should be enjoying...cuz it ain't usually getting more kickass as you get older.

I understand the sentiment behind this but this is just the fallacy of relative privation. I will admit that adulthood is significantly worse than childhood (which actually is one of the reasons why I want to be dead) but that doesn't mean that I should have been enjoying my childhood. I do miss my childhood but even my childhood sucked and I'd rather have never been born at all than be alive

 

[brokeandbroken]

I'm the exact same or at least I think I am. There's nothing good in my life as well. My entire life has just been me forced to do things that I never wanted to do. I never wanted to go to school, go to university, never wanted to socialise, never wanted to be a human, never want to work etc etc. There genuinely isn't anything that I want to do or anything good in life for me as I have anhedonia and don't enjoy anything at all. All I do is to pass time but even then time feels eternally long. We both deserve better, we really do. In my case, I can only get what I deserve by death since then I won't ever have to suffer or deal with any human bullshit for the rest of my life

I'm the opposite I went to university and then medical school. I wanted to be a human. Work a good job as a doctor. Wanted a wife, kids, and the white picket fence. Only for everything to be stolen from me in medical school including opportunities to work even shit jobs. I didn't do anything wrong just a victim of crimes. Poverty doesn't even begin to describe how poor I am. I'm basically homeless. My diet for the last two months has been room temp soup and pbnjs. In case you aren't aware that's not a good diet. But I can't afford better. Family like I said non existent absentee doesn't give a fuck. Friends pft. Ones before dropped me like a lead turd. Now? Who wants to be friends with a reject and just societies punching bag like me? Nobody. So making friends isn't an option either. What's there to look forward to. Career can't no opportunities ive tried so hard + was stolen family doesn't give a fuck friends no one cares about me and society has just universally rejected me. Just nothing left.

Exactly. Well said. Boredom is no longer the time drag as when you're young and looking forward to "getting off work" "starting the weekend" or "maybe have a tryst" "party" "play the new video game" "listen to the cool new tunes" "watch the new movie" or whatever. Absolutely none of it means shit. Even drugs are just a blip. But pain. That's there. Eventually these things can't even drown it out. I hope the kids appreciate what they've got now...i'm no prolifer but damn they should be enjoying...cuz it ain't usually getting more kickass as you get older.

I wish I could get decent work. I wish I was starting the weekend. I wish I had things to do besides play rhe new video game. I wish I had money to go to the movies. I wish I felt like I haven't somehow explored every possible good thing your supposed to do in life and come up empty handed. To where I'm like maybe good things will happen if I do drugs. Works for a lot of other people. They seem to be having good life's. Maybe that's been my issue.

 

[escape_from_hell]

I'm the exact same or at least I think I am. There's nothing good in my life as well. My entire life has just been me forced to do things that I never wanted to do. I never wanted to go to school, go to university, never wanted to socialise, never wanted to be a human, never want to work etc etc. There genuinely isn't anything that I want to do or anything good in life for me as I have anhedonia and don't enjoy anything at all. All I do is to pass time but even then time feels eternally long. We both deserve better, we really do. In my case, I can only get what I deserve by death since then I won't ever have to suffer or deal with any human bullshit for the rest of my life

How severe is the anhedonia now? You may be able to "milk" some life before going. I don't really recommend people do drugs but you may as well splurge any money you have on travel + drugs etc. to give it a go. If you are feeling flat like 'nothing' like I hear others with anhedonia say, you have a good chance of getting some good shit going maybe. Downside is imminent crashes. It's possible to feel bad but no good, which I think is worse than flat. As I got older, pain and misery are still very real, but pleasure is like nothing and cannot drown out 'the evil.'

If you're just flat, try some stuff, but it's a different beast so I dunno how to snap out of it exactly. Positive relationships are incredibly important I realize, as I laughingly have 0 chance of forming them even as I spend the last of my money galavanting traveling around trying to party and enjoy things, but completely unable to do so. Physically, I noticed I have trouble feeling comfortable or even maintaining proper posture, but I notice when it seems like I have 'friends' this problem goes away. Shit is real. If you have any social skills please give it a try, it's way, way, way, way easier at your age no matter how hard it seems, it will get VERY difficult when you are middle-aged.

I wish I could get decent work. I wish I was starting the weekend. I wish I had things to do besides play rhe new video game. I wish I had money to go to the movies. I wish I felt like I haven't somehow explored every possible good thing your supposed to do in life and come up empty handed. To where I'm like maybe good things will happen if I do drugs. Works for a lot of other people. They seem to be having good life's. Maybe that's been my issue.

Unfortunately I found that as anhedonia gets extremely severe, having money and doing a weekend thing or going to a movie will make you feel worse, not better. Incredibly demotivating. Love from others may help, but having every form of relationship friends lovers or whatever disintegrate from one's own lack of worth is just so painful it's hard to even believe something we don't even ostensibly 'need' can hurt so fucking bad after a long time, even if one was always a 'loner' and 'introvert'. Plus I dunno if it's just the modern era or being older making me shittier, but the coldness from others in every setting is absolutely severe as fuck. It's like, hatred, phoniness, indifference, the only possibilities. The only genuine words spoken are typed into SaSu.

I hope you at least get a few bucks to try to feel better to see if it's still possible for you.

I understand the sentiment behind this but this is just the fallacy of relative privation. I will admit that adulthood is significantly worse than childhood (which actually is one of the reasons why I want to be dead) but that doesn't mean that I should have been enjoying my childhood. I do miss my childhood but even my childhood sucked and I'd rather have never been born at all than be alive

Unfortunately, in this case, I'm not trying to dismiss your pain. Just lamenting that shit gets even worse with time. However, boredom will just be the baseline pain. The other, more active tortures, do indeed make it all a blur. It still feels like forever because everything is awful, and still not dead. Also I mean to try what you can because fewer and fewer and fewer things bring ANY relief over time, as they become "that again" mere nothings. Favorite foods mean shit, movies are completely unrelatable, music just sounds pretensious etc.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

How severe is the anhedonia now? You may be able to "milk" some life before going. I don't really recommend people do drugs but you may as well splurge any money you have on travel + drugs etc. to give it a go. If you are feeling flat like 'nothing' like I hear others with anhedonia say, you have a good chance of getting some good shit going maybe. Downside is imminent crashes. It's possible to feel bad but no good, which I think is worse than flat. As I got older, pain and misery are still very real, but pleasure is like nothing and cannot drown out 'the evil.'

If you're just flat, try some stuff, but it's a different beast so I dunno how to snap out of it exactly. Positive relationships are incredibly important I realize, as I laughingly have 0 chance of forming them even as I spend the last of my money galavanting traveling around trying to party and enjoy things, but completely unable to do so. Physically, I noticed I have trouble feeling comfortable or even maintaining proper posture, but I notice when it seems like I have 'friends' this problem goes away. Shit is real. If you have any social skills please give it a try, it's way, way, way, way easier at your age no matter how hard it seems, it will get VERY difficult when you are middle-aged.

It's severe enough to where I don't enjoy anything at all. Also, I can't spend money on drugs and travel since I live with strict and overprotective parents who won't ever let me do any of these things and I have autism which means I'm unable to ever be independent. Besides, even if I could get access to drugs, I'd just buy fentanyl to end my life.

I never had any social skills in my life as I never made a single irl friend or acquaintance during my life. I'm simply not meant to be a human nor am I meant for life nor do I want to be.

Unfortunately, in this case, I'm not trying to dismiss your pain. Just lamenting that shit gets even worse with time. However, boredom will just be the baseline pain. The other, more active tortures, do indeed make it all a blur. It still feels like forever because everything is awful, and still not dead. Also I mean to try what you can because fewer and fewer and fewer things bring ANY relief over time, as they become "that again" mere nothings. Favorite foods mean shit, movies are completely unrelatable, music just sounds pretensious etc.

Trying what I can doesn't apply to me as I never liked anything in the first place. I never liked music or movies to begin with. It just doesn't work on me