Venting Life as of recently

[progirlfailure]

I can't believe I thought I was getting better just because I moved out of my previous environment. All of my problems are always replaced by more and I can't remember the last time I genuinely didn't want to die. I've been physically and emotionally abused as a child and sexually mistreated online since the very beginning of my teenage years and the worst part is I just let it happen because it makes me feel wanted. All I do is talk about calories with my friends and I'm such a bad person towards those I think are below me. I only find comfort and feel meaningful is when I bring up how much I've starved to my friends or how bad I've gotten and my friend is telling me how much he'd miss me if I died and I just can't bring myself to care anymore. I just don't want to be here. Life gets taken away from innocent people so quickly and so easily but it will never come to me no matter how awful I am and how much I crave it. I don't deserve to be here and I don't know what to do.