Venting life? 2020?

[Aleksandra]

2019 was supposed to be "my year". it was supposed to be the first year i moved away from home to live with the love of my life. but sometimes in life things just don't go as planned and 2019 turned out to be soul torturing and full of hardships i never thought i'd have to experience. my first "real life" experience was near enough and borderline traumatising. my codependency on my ex, my mental health crumbling before my eyes, the toxicity and i just let it happen.
seven. that was the amount of times i've tried to end my life last year and the last one was near successful had my psychosis not kicked in. i often find myself saying "i should've died" - many people who experience near death would be happy and grateful they didn't and some miracle happens to them. where's my miracle? why do i still feel incomplete, broken and simply lost? when i moved back home i found myself not even trying to find work, and even now i have, i struggle turning up because the thought of leaving my house terrifies me.
when you've been born to grow up the moment you come to life, you don't really ever have expectations, every experience suddenly becomes traumatic rather than a lesson. will i ever be able to face that real world again? or will i continuously deteriorate until i eventually no longer care about a peaceful death, bite the bullet and take the excruciating pain for a little bit before death?
how many times must i endure the same trauma until that eventually becomes the death of me? my mistake for 2019 was that it was going to be better. i won't make that mistake again.

 

[pole]

"my mistake for 2019 was that it was going to be better. i won't make that mistake again".

sums it up for me. false hope and expectations including for things in life to get better is eventually gonna lead to you're own heartbreak. good things here and there are enough to make you hopeful, but never enough to make it real. rather settle with knowing life won't get any better, instead of being in this false hope that "things will eventually get better over time" as people tell those who are broken.

 

[Aleksandra]

"my mistake for 2019 was that it was going to be better. i won't make that mistake again".

sums it up for me. false hope and expectations including for things in life to get better is eventually gonna lead to you're own heartbreak. good things here and there are enough to make you hopeful, but never enough to make it real. rather settle with knowing life won't get any better, instead of being in this false hope that "things will eventually get better over time" as people tell those who are broken.

its heartbreaking that i learnt the hard way of having no good expectations, almost feels like i'm being punished by life, like it's saying fuck you for even thinking you could ever be happy

 

[CyanideSoup]

I'm sorry you had such an awful year, hugs

 

[pole]

its heartbreaking that i learnt the hard way of having no good expectations, almost feels like i'm being punished by life, like it's saying fuck you for even thinking you could ever be happy

whenever i feel the most happiest or when things are finally going well and as if like the tides are turning my way and into my favor, and im finally happy, and positive for the future for once.. something is bound to happen that completely destroys ALL of that. i feel as if i have some sort of written destiny that i wasn't meant for happiness and a life filled with sadness because i'm being punished for what i did in a past life or something.

sorry about you're struggles. i mean, it's just in our nature to look forward to happier times when good things happen for once. but, maybe happiness and a happy ending just isn't for everyone in this life sadly. that's what i've come to realize, hopefully that isn't the case for everyone else.

 

[Fragile]

I fell for the same delusion last year. even with all of my physical and mental suffering i still held hope that life would change for the better, that there had to be something good enough to makes me live for a couple more years.

realizing that my life was just that bad and that there is no way of fixing me just broke my hearth even further, then my health deteriorating to this point made things just unbearable. i could've spared me all of this if i had ended my life two years ago, like i had originally planned, there are things that i wish i haven't gone through.

but all of those horrible experiences are a lesson, they taught me that this is only going to get much worse and i wont live another year of this, no more dreaming for impossible things.

 

[BabyYoda]

I had the same mistake as well. 2019 was supposed to be my year but it wasn't. Last few months turned to shit. So I decided to get rid of all of my expectations for the upcoming year. There's a price to pay when you believe things just get better no matter what.......

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I relate so much to what everyone has said. 2019 was supposed to be my turning point. My ex promised to marry me I tried so hard to get better over the summer. And as soon as things start to look hopefully it's like life sees me happy and forbids it. Everything came crashing down yet again. And I'm worse off and more miserable than before. Life has taught me to never hope for the better because in the end my destiny must be to be miserable. No matter what I do it's 1 step forward and 10 steps back and I'm getting tired. I have hung on for 6 long years past when I should have ctb.

 

[Aleksandra]

I relate so much to what everyone has said. 2019 was supposed to be my turning point. My ex promised to marry me I tried so hard to get better over the summer. And as soon as things start to look hopefully it's like life sees me happy and forbids it. Everything came crashing down yet again. And I'm worse off and more miserable than before. Life has taught me to never hope for the better because in the end my destiny must be to be miserable. No matter what I do it's 1 step forward and 10 steps back and I'm getting tired. I have hung on for 6 long years past when I should have ctb.

my ex wanted to marry me too. but he was too worn out to be patient with me for much longer - in terms of my mental health getting better. i don't blame him in the slightest for leaving. one of my favourite lines from my favourite band is "don't get any big ideas, they're not gunna happen". i wanted so bad for last year to be my recovery year and to get better but everything after february was plain miserable. i knew my ex wanted to leave me but he strung me along until our tenancy ended. i let him because i relied too much on his existence as my motivation in life, and now i no longer have that i'm back to square one

 

[BPD Barbie]

my mistake for 2019 was that it was going to be better. i won't make that mistake again.

This. This hits hard. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, it's probably the most horrible feeling when you've tried to ctb and it hasn't worked. I've been there a couple times. Just know we support you and are here for you. I hope you find some peace from the darkness soon.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I remember your posts, so sorry you have been through this :(

 

[Flume]

I gave myself 2019, one last year... to get better and try one last time. And 2019 was the worst year of my life, jeusus christ I can't wait untill this is over.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

+1
2019 was supposed to change my life for the best, instead it was the worst

 

[TAW122]

While I came close to death in 2019 (two major events), things are tough in 2020. Depending on how things turn out for me, I may CTB in 2020. As of now, I'm just hanging on to life on a few slivers of cope (video games, music, and some residual good times in 2019). Once my copes run out, catalysts reacts, and the right time is right, then I will CTB soon after that moment.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I used those exact words a year ago and I regret having said it. I think 2019 might have been the worst year of my life. I feel so stupid and naive for thinking things would get better.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

my ex wanted to marry me too. but he was too worn out to be patient with me for much longer - in terms of my mental health getting better. i don't blame him in the slightest for leaving. one of my favourite lines from my favourite band is "don't get any big ideas, they're not gunna happen". i wanted so bad for last year to be my recovery year and to get better but everything after february was plain miserable. i knew my ex wanted to leave me but he strung me along until our tenancy ended. i let him because i relied too much on his existence as my motivation in life, and now i no longer have that i'm back to square one

Oh my gosh I could have written that myself. Word for word that's pretty much exactly what happened to me. I was extremely dependant on my ex as my motivation as well. I was still suicidal with him but passively. Life with him was just tolerable enough to where I could still live. Now I have lost it all and I'm back to square one myself. So sorry your going through this too. My heart goes out to you.

 

[zherhk]

Can I join the team?
I was building slowly my 2019 to be finally the start of something better and then, in the middle of the year, I got 4 different and random physical issues all together (which I still have)
And for the umpteenth time, I got mocked.

 

[dundyfundy]

I shocked about everyone's experience of 2019 in here, as I so closely relate... It started off good for me, and a quarter through it thought I might be able to deal with one of the major issues this time finally after the decade of trying. But it came down crashing on me so hard. So hard that I hit rock bottom closer to end of the 3rd quarter of the year. Attempted ending it all twice, when before that my only attempt was 3-4 years ago, and was my first time.

And I tried so hard to stand back up since, but it was a new rock bottom for a reason... I feel like I lost the war this time, not a battle, as I am unable to make even 0.1% what's needed towards the right direction, if say before I could at least try and reach 5-15% before crashing and losing the battle. And peaked at 45%~ at beginning of 2019. But I crashed so hard that not an ounce of anything is left in me since.