Discussion Let's give this a go, shall we?

[anopenwound]

Ok, here goes nothing.

Long story short I wanna live. Not because I have an actual desire right now but because I wanna see if I can fix myself. Get the will to live back.

I'm fully aware right now that all of the problems I still have are caused by BPD - by this unhealthy Favorite Person type of attachment I developed with so many people over the years. The thing, the construct of one, is still here despite everything. I don't want it anymore. I believe getting rid of it might do me a lot of good. But I'm scared.

I'm scared I'll never feel love again, not in the way I always felt it - in this totalizing, intense, obsessive way that has brought me so much trouble in my life. I'm scared that a lot what I did has traumatized others for good. I'm scared that I'll never have a clear enough mind to tell if I myself have been abused by others I held on such a high regard. I don't know what's ahead. I can't see what's ahead. But I wanna try and find out if something will blow my mind enough to make me want to stay.

I feel at the crossroad of my life and I know that if I don't try I'll die. I'll kill myself. And simply put - some people need me. Maybe that's ridiculous to say, corny even, but that's true. What they say is always true. People in your life will be devastated to see you go. I'm not doing that to them.
There's things I believe them, there's things in life that give me purpose - being a good friend is one of them. I need to see this through. I need to at least try. Defeating this pattern is gonna be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. My brain is constantly putting me through an insane amount of pain, sorrow, horrible thoughts, whatever have you. It's easy to give in. Most times I don't have the energy to push back. But I need to do this. I need to do this.

I don't know what's gonna happen but I'm gonna try. I'm gonna give this a shot.

Wish me good luck I guess.

 

[Redacted24]

Sending you lots of positive energy and support on your quest! It seems to me that you're on to the right path, albeit the difficult one, but the one that's sustainable and healthier for you in the long run.

You've made the most difficult step already.

You've identified the situation with clarity and objectivity. That's truly the most important thing.

It'll be difficult to resist the "all-in" highs and to accept that the payoffs may feel lower, but those are enduring and compounding. More deeply satisfying, if you give them time.

And you're a genuinely caring person too, concerned about others that care about you and not wanting to hurt them.

I'm pulling for you. With my heart. Keep being the strong, capable you that you can be. Come back and visit us sometimes with updates please? We'll be here with support and kindness.