Less than a week left. Ramble thread

[ketopia]

She/her

I'm starting to get nervous. There's a panicky feeling when I think about the people in my life who were relieved that my last attempt didn't work. I have the urge to say goodbye to them but I don't want to tip anyone off to my plan. I don't want to be helped, I just want to leave. I tried my best and I hope they know that.

I've been through too much even for a healthy, nt person with a wide support system. But im an undiagnosed autistic adult female, with crippling social anxiety. Everything that makes life worth living is truly beyond my reach. I'll never have a family, I'll never be stable in a career, I'll never own a home, I'll never travel, I'll never get married. My life isn't a life worth living. All I do is play video games and color and watch content about people I wish I could be.

I have been unemployed for over a year since my mom passed away. I've regressed so much... I recently had my first day at a job and even though it was such an easy gig, and only 4 hours, and exactly what all my work experience is in, I had a panic attack. Embarrassingly burst into tears in front of this poor lady. In her eyes I was just a normal new hire. She had no idea that im a shell of what I used to be. That im an incompetent, lazy, scared, empty person. I used to be the person everyone went to for help and now I can't handle the easiest job. It was literally the easiest thing I could think of and I couldn't do it. I'm hopeless. There is no future for me.

 

[CandyCane]

In case you didn't know, you don't need a future to deserve to be here.

 

[bankai]

I understand . we're here for you.There are tons of terrible cases where there are no other options. If you feel you've exhausted everything else and just can't continue.i understand.

I myself don't feel like I'll have much in this world once my mom passes. What's interesting is I'm considering leaving before her just because I don't want to be around for the day when I get the news she's gone. I don't think anything will break me as much as that.

What's even more interesting is I'm really doing well in every aspect of my health,Finance, etcetera.But I have to contend with just an empty, utter lack of joy.Not sure how much longer I want to continue with this.

 

[quietwoods]

I understand . we're here for you.There are tons of terrible cases where there are no other options. If you feel you've exhausted everything else and just can't continue.i understand.

I myself don't feel like I'll have much in this world once my mom passes. What's interesting is I'm considering leaving before her just because I don't want to be around for the day when I get the news she's gone. I don't think anything will break me as much as that.

What's even more interesting is I'm really doing well in every aspect of my health,Finance, etcetera.But I have to contend with just an empty, utter lack of joy.Not sure how much longer I want to continue with this.

The most guilt I feel is to some degree wishing the people tethering me to this world weren't here so I could CTB.

 

[ketopia]

I understand . we're here for you.There are tons of terrible cases where there are no other options. If you feel you've exhausted everything else and just can't continue.i understand.

I myself don't feel like I'll have much in this world once my mom passes. What's interesting is I'm considering leaving before her just because I don't want to be around for the day when I get the news she's gone. I don't think anything will break me as much as that.

What's even more interesting is I'm really doing well in every aspect of my health,Finance, etcetera.But I have to contend with just an empty, utter lack of joy.Not sure how much longer I want to continue with this.

For the longest time I wanted to ctb but I stayed for my mom. And then when she passed I found myself not able to consider leaving because I wanted to live for her. I know she wanted me to try. But I just am not strong enough

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More ramble: my boyfriend

I met my boyfriend on discord a little over a year ago and we've spent every day on call together since then. The only time we're not on call is when we're together in person. I worry for him when I go. I don't doubt he'll be okay. But it's going to be a big change in his daily life to not have me there to yap to and share with. I love him a lot. When I had emergency surgery and lived alone, he flew out the next day to come take care of me even though we were broken up at the time. He's a very loving person and deserves a partner who can match his ambition and drive. We fight a lot because of my mental health and because.. we'll. Because of my personality honestly. I don't mean to argue but I can't stop sometimes. It's not fair to him.

I tell him how bad im struggling but I dont think he really understands. It's not his fault so please no negative comments. My ctb is going to hurt him a lot. I'm so sorry, Y. I love you.

 

[ketopia]

This morning when I woke up he said "Finally, I've been waiting to tell you-" and started telling me about all the stuff he's excited about and wanted to show me. I love him so much. When I think about him waiting for me to wake up after I ctb next week my heart breaks. I wish I was strong enough to stay for him. </3 really struggling right now

 

[nyctophilia]

This morning when I woke up he said "Finally, I've been waiting to tell you-" and started telling me about all the stuff he's excited about and wanted to show me. I love him so much. When I think about him waiting for me to wake up after I ctb next week my heart breaks. I wish I was strong enough to stay for him. </3 really struggling right now

You are honestly so strong already for staying here all this time while struggling so much, I'm so sorry, I understand your situation must be so tough right now

 

[ketopia]

Watching my mom get sicker and sicker and ultimately watching her pass away in front of me has fundamentally changed me as a person. The stress of it, the guilt, the fear. How many times I drove home from work hoping she hadn't fallen, or had low sugar and was laying on the floor hurt. One time she fell when I wasn't around, and when I got to the apartment I saw a stretcher outside with a white sheet over it. And she was so skinny at the time I couldn't tell if she was under it or not.

When she fell alone she was on the floor for an entire day. She was taken by the ambulance and I was left alone to clean up. There was blood, urine, and feces, a trail of each leading from the bathroom to the hallway and into the kitchen. I literally can't handle the thought of her on the ground, in pain, alone, sick, for so long. It's what all my nightmares are about. she was so small and had no strength. It was after this fall that she was moved into assisted living.

I watched her lose her independence, saw her heart break when she realized it wasn't safe to drive anymore, lose her apartment, going from walking to walker to a wheelchair. Going to dialysis 3x a week and the pain that came with it. I don't know how she stayed so positive. i was a wreck the entire time. I became a total bitch at work. I stopped making time for friends or dating. I stopped taking care of my own health and I gained 60 lbs in a year. My heart broke whenever I saw her but I also felt immense guilt when I went too long without visiting, taking her out. Loading her chair into my trunk to take her shopping or out to eat. Even though she could eat very little and she got tired after short excursions.

She wanted to go on a cruise. I told her no. I was too scared to be trapped and have her have a health scare. She even found a ship that has Dialysis facilities on board. But I said no. I was scared of covid, I was scared of cruises, I was scared of her health, I had no one to watch my cat, etc. Stupid excuses. I will always hate myself for saying no. denying her fun, freedom, adventure, She got too sick to do anything just a few short months later. All because of my anxiety and fear. I'm so sorry, mom.