FatalSystemError591
{He/They}
- Oct 12, 2020
- 229
I decided back in... November? December? That if things didn't get better I would catch my bus by the end of February, before my birthday the next month.
I tried to maintain hope that things would be better, and that my situation would improve. I am under a lot of very significant stressors, to a point where my therapist says that with everything I'm going through my ideation as escapism is understandable. Like, imagine being so fucked up your therapist isn't alarmed at all that your SI is through the roof. She's amazing and she's a total trooper and I've put her through so much. Bless her, she's a Saint.
A lot of the same things run through my mind but faster "Do I keep going? What about my cat? What about my girlfriend? Do I make some semblance of a will? Some semblance of a note? When will I be pushed to it?"
I still don't have all the answers yet, there is a note written out and I'm not sure if it will be the final. Might use my note to write explicit instructions on how to take care of the cat, and one last message telling my girlfriend that she was the only light I had in the last year I was alive...
But now with the survival instinct going away, there's an ever-growing conscience of "why don't you just do it and get it over with? Why wait? No use inflicting more pain on yourself, just tap out now, look at all the methods you have, which one will take you out? Do you even bother to quit your job first? Collect a check so that your family gets something? Do you dump all the money to your husband in your last moments to make sure he and the cat will be okay? Man you've failed everything haven't you? In the 12 years you told yourself it gets better, despite desperately trying, it never did. You are too soft, too naive, too easily heartbroken, too kind, too trusting. It all got much worse and now here you are, can't take it anymore. Are you going to make a goodbye thread? What would you say? Not like anyone gives a fuck. The only ones who would are your girlfriend, cat, and the forum."
All these thoughts play on repeat now. Constantly while the clock is ticking down. Even with the lights at the end of the tunnel finally appearing on how things could turn for the better, I come to the swift realization that it is just the beginning. That there is still so much more to change, to fix, to regret.
I just needed a place where I could be candid and think out loud.
If you made it to the end, thank you SS for making these last years between the two accounts I had bearable to some degree. Knowing there was always a community I could fall back on that would empathize with me in my darkest moments has helped me far more than any therapy or psychiatric treatments. Knowing that I can say these things with my candid mental health and trauma that lingers behind, and knowing that there are people who can at least act like they care. And yes, my girlfriend does too. But we are in a long distance relationship. And no, not cheating, I'm polyamorous.
Thank you from the bottom of my lukewarm heart... even if the faces I knew have come and go especially over the last year.. you all gave me a safe haven.
Can't wait to not see my birthday.
I tried to maintain hope that things would be better, and that my situation would improve. I am under a lot of very significant stressors, to a point where my therapist says that with everything I'm going through my ideation as escapism is understandable. Like, imagine being so fucked up your therapist isn't alarmed at all that your SI is through the roof. She's amazing and she's a total trooper and I've put her through so much. Bless her, she's a Saint.
A lot of the same things run through my mind but faster "Do I keep going? What about my cat? What about my girlfriend? Do I make some semblance of a will? Some semblance of a note? When will I be pushed to it?"
I still don't have all the answers yet, there is a note written out and I'm not sure if it will be the final. Might use my note to write explicit instructions on how to take care of the cat, and one last message telling my girlfriend that she was the only light I had in the last year I was alive...
But now with the survival instinct going away, there's an ever-growing conscience of "why don't you just do it and get it over with? Why wait? No use inflicting more pain on yourself, just tap out now, look at all the methods you have, which one will take you out? Do you even bother to quit your job first? Collect a check so that your family gets something? Do you dump all the money to your husband in your last moments to make sure he and the cat will be okay? Man you've failed everything haven't you? In the 12 years you told yourself it gets better, despite desperately trying, it never did. You are too soft, too naive, too easily heartbroken, too kind, too trusting. It all got much worse and now here you are, can't take it anymore. Are you going to make a goodbye thread? What would you say? Not like anyone gives a fuck. The only ones who would are your girlfriend, cat, and the forum."
All these thoughts play on repeat now. Constantly while the clock is ticking down. Even with the lights at the end of the tunnel finally appearing on how things could turn for the better, I come to the swift realization that it is just the beginning. That there is still so much more to change, to fix, to regret.
I just needed a place where I could be candid and think out loud.
If you made it to the end, thank you SS for making these last years between the two accounts I had bearable to some degree. Knowing there was always a community I could fall back on that would empathize with me in my darkest moments has helped me far more than any therapy or psychiatric treatments. Knowing that I can say these things with my candid mental health and trauma that lingers behind, and knowing that there are people who can at least act like they care. And yes, my girlfriend does too. But we are in a long distance relationship. And no, not cheating, I'm polyamorous.
Thank you from the bottom of my lukewarm heart... even if the faces I knew have come and go especially over the last year.. you all gave me a safe haven.
Can't wait to not see my birthday.
