Left spouse who thought I was a burden today. Am at parents house. Have my N. was going to CTB next spring but sooner is looking better

[brainpain2]

So here I am at rock bottom on my parents hide a bed because I could only take my spouse hating me and resenting me so much before I snapped. It's good because I was planning on CTB next spring anyways and he was a factor in me stalling. I got my N in 2016 which is a bit embarrassing but at the time I was dealing with the throes of chronic pain that was untreated. I since got treatment that helped and bought me time. But mental health issues and the fact chronic pain made me lose my job made me realize that not matter how much "better" my chronic pain gets my life is shit.

I'm glad my N has a very long shelf life so I am not it a rush (it is powdered). I decided on next spring to do some things I wanted to do and to have some quality time with my spouse who loves me even though he now clearly finds me a burden.

Now that I'm done with him I have no one to look out for anymore. With the loss of my pay which afforded me any quality of life on my rare good days I wonder what I'm waiting for. I think I'll check into a hotel and sample some of that sweet nectar for a good sleep and dream about CTB. I hope I can do it soon as my life has hit rock bottom and there is no cure. I do have a pot of money to work with but don't want to leave my spouse with too little. For as much as he hurt me, he has loved me and my issues started after we were together, he just didn't sign up for this.

Thanks for hearing me out.

 

[Final Escape]

Yea I'm thinking I'm ready this month. The fear is lifting because I do not have strong enuf reason to stay around. I decided to rehome my new kitten so I can finally leave. The kitten is great I'm just too fucked up to take on the responsibility. Good luck with everything.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Best wishes. Knowing there are kind and compassionate people like you out there is a comforting thought.

 

[Mr2005]

Best wishes. Knowing there are kind and compassionate people like you out there is a comforting thought.

The fact we're all bumping ourselves off is not

 

[WhiteDespair]

The fact we're all bumping ourselves off is not

Ourselves, yes. Those people who pass on CtB can have some faith that there are still decent people out there.

The fact that she can still think about her spouse's well being at this isn't something of which I am very familiar.

 

[jgm63]

brainpain2 : If your physical pain issues are not too bad ( or can be improved ), then the other issues are probably solvable, even though it might not seem that way, and it might not be necessary to CTB.... ( although of course, the choice belongs to you ). If you wanted to talk then pm me....

 

[brainpain2]

brainpain2 : If your physical pain issues are not too bad ( or can be improved ), then the other issues are probably solvable, even though it might not seem that way, and it might not be necessary to CTB.... ( although of course, the choice belongs to you ). If you wanted to talk then pm me....

I appreciate you hearing me out. Unfortunately my physical pain issues are the reason I chose to CTB. Yes they did improve when I got into the right treatment but they have plateaued and will not get better as there is no cure. My suggestion from doctors now is to live with the pain and don't let control my life. Unfortunately I just don't consider a quality of life to not have a job or have one but be crying in pain all day long at it and with zero quality of life when I'm done. I required so many accommodations my work got rid of me. My spouse got with me when I was normal and I've ruined his life by being a burden and not what he thought he was getting. I also have bipolar disorder which feeds off my chronic pain and vice versa. I am ideal treatment for that but again there's no cure and most of my mental issues are situational for being in so much pain. I think it's better to have split with SO than the be together when I die, which was the original I never felt good about. The reason I halted my plans after 2016 was because my pain was finally being treated, it took while to find out how well it was actually going to be managed, my ability to work and now I've Realized it will never be as good as I hoped. The only good thing is I was able to get my method before it got so crazy out there from what I'm reading in these threads.

 

[lymbo]

I appreciate you hearing me out. Unfortunately my physical pain issues are the reason I chose to CTB. Yes they did improve when I got into the right treatment but they have plateaued and will not get better as there is no cure. My suggestion from doctors now is to live with the pain and don't let control my life. Unfortunately I just don't consider a quality of life to not have a job or have one but be crying in pain all day long at it and with zero quality of life when I'm done. I required so many accommodations my work got rid of me. My spouse got with me when I was normal and I've ruined his life by being a burden and not what he thought he was getting. I also have bipolar disorder which feeds off my chronic pain and vice versa. I am ideal treatment for that but again there's no cure and most of my mental issues are situational for being in so much pain. I think it's better to have split with SO than the be together when I die, which was the original I never felt good about. The reason I halted my plans after 2016 was because my pain was finally being treated, it took while to find out how well it was actually going to be managed, my ability to work and now I've Realized it will never be as good as I hoped. The only good thing is I was able to get my method before it got so crazy out there from what I'm reading in these threads.

sorry to see you here. my reason to be on SS ys cronyc low back payn , what type was your cronyc payn?

 

[brainpain2]

sorry to see you here. my reason to be on SS ys cronyc low back payn , what type was your cronyc payn?

I have a chronic pain disorder which mostly affects my back. Which super sucks because you need your back to do everything. Sorry to hear you're in the same boat

 

[lymbo]

I have a chronic pain disorder which mostly affects my back. Which super sucks because you need your back to do everything. Sorry to hear you're in the same boat

whats your method

 

[brainpain2]

whats your method

I have had N thy I've been hanging on to since 2016. I was doing better for awhile when I got into pain treatment but when I plateaued and realized it was still a shit life I decided on doing it again. It won't go bad and I know I can't live to an old age

 

[jgm63]

I appreciate you hearing me out. Unfortunately my physical pain issues are the reason I chose to CTB. Yes they did improve when I got into the right treatment but they have plateaued and will not get better as there is no cure. My suggestion from doctors now is to live with the pain and don't let control my life. Unfortunately I just don't consider a quality of life to not have a job or have one but be crying in pain all day long at it and with zero quality of life when I'm done. I required so many accommodations my work got rid of me. My spouse got with me when I was normal and I've ruined his life by being a burden and not what he thought he was getting. I also have bipolar disorder which feeds off my chronic pain and vice versa. I am ideal treatment for that but again there's no cure and most of my mental issues are situational for being in so much pain. I think it's better to have split with SO than the be together when I die, which was the original I never felt good about. The reason I halted my plans after 2016 was because my pain was finally being treated, it took while to find out how well it was actually going to be managed, my ability to work and now I've Realized it will never be as good as I hoped. The only good thing is I was able to get my method before it got so crazy out there from what I'm reading in these threads.

OK, I understand.....

 

[Not_Quite_Dead_Yet]

I have a chronic pain disorder which mostly affects my back. Which super sucks because you need your back to do everything. Sorry to hear you're in the same boat

Is there room in that boat for one more person? My back is so screwed up that I rarely am able to leave my apartment. I am barely able to functtion, even minimally, this after having led an active and interesting life until about 7 years ago. Each doctor I have consulted over the years recommended a totally different operation. Makes you wonder about the whole medical "profession". So, I truly understand the lure of an N. cocktail or any other means of making the pain stop. Especially now that docs are being pressured to cut down on prescribing pain meds. You are correct, the whole thing super sucks..

 

[woxihuanni]

Sending you hugs. I have a back problem, too. It doesn't prevent me from getting on with things, but things like standing in a queue is a nightmare.

Remember this time we were catching a plane with my ex-partner, and all my luggage was a backpack. They had a wheely one. They let go of me hand and said 'step up', started going ahead. This was such a perfect snapshot of the entire relationship: I have an injury and a burden, am panting with effort, in pain. They don't even think of easing my burden, but leave me behind to run. Which is also insane, what are they going to do? Leave me there at the airport? Buying a new ticket would go out of the common budget, which is stupid to choose over picking up my bag, helping me along.

So yeah, though I can function pretty well, not being quite as strong was enough to make me an annoying, revolting burden. Maybe all of this will sink in once they see a rotting smurf on the bed. Rotting because they won't immediately notice I'm dead, being so bent on ignoring me.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

Is there room in that boat for one more person? My back is so screwed up that I rarely am able to leave my apartment. I am barely able to functtion, even minimally, this after having led an active and interesting life until about 7 years ago. Each doctor I have consulted over the years recommended a totally different operation. Makes you wonder about the whole medical "profession". So, I truly understand the lure of an N. cocktail or any other means of making the pain stop. Especially now that docs are being pressured to cut down on prescribing pain meds. You are correct, the whole thing super sucks..

Doctors never did anything for me but create more illness from toxic drugs

 

[LegaliseIt!]

Yea I'm thinking I'm ready this month. The fear is lifting because I do not have strong enuf reason to stay around. I decided to rehome my new kitten so I can finally leave. The kitten is great I'm just too fucked up to take on the responsibility. Good luck with everything.

Thank you for rehoming your kitten before you ctb. I'm always grateful when people make safe choices for their pets. I know that it isn't always easy.