Venting Leaving your beloved ones

[Breadbfra]

I've been living my whole life thinking about how I could hurt others with my own actions. I've always been kind, compassionate, caring towards everyone, including people who didn't stand me (and I get that).
Sometimes depression gets associated with "pure souls" and I somehow think that can have a sprinkle of truth.
Anyways, I think about those, even on this site, who ctb'd (I hope they'll finally at peace now) and left their siblings, parents, friends. I'm not talking about people who had the worst family, I'm talking about people who had the "guts" to leave a caring family, friends, a husband or a wife.
I've tried to watch videos about mothers losing their children, I've talked to them, read about people who lost their mothers of father and their pain made me dreadful.

I have the best parents, the best girlfriend, many friends. I have the perfect life, except for a major chronic depression and a severely depressed dad. My mother lost her mother due to cancer, my girlfriend lost her mother due to suicide and I think: how shameful is by me to be hurting others who have already been hurt? How is acceptable for a mom that has done everything for her children and seeing her pass away due a depression-pandemic related relapse? How do I expect my girlfriend to be when she's still hurting about her mother, to find out the girl she wanted to marry bought Sodium Nitrite? But I keep hurting and it doesn't get better.

I envy too much those who don't care, or care the least. I feel like I'm in a prison and I'd like to know how do you cope with the reaction your beloved ones will certainly have?

 

[LastWhisper]

Oh mate, I can relate a bit, but I can't cope it, my friend told me that he will defineltely miss me if I'm died, and I just can't leave him alone. I know that I'd have nothing to lose after death, but while you're alive, it's affect you somehow.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I thought I could get my gf's blessing but she's said things like she'd be angry with me forever and that it's selfish, so now I'm stuck. Sorry, I wish I could be more helpful, the truth does hurt here. So I see it as a balance, is it fair for me to go yet? Is my suffering significantly worse than theirs will be? For me, sadly the answer is not a certain yes

 

[muffin222]

I've just accepted it. I know my death would leave my loved ones with crushing pain and grief, but I experience crushing pain and grief inside everyday, too, just for different reasons. They don't have to live with my pain- I do

 

[Ghost2211]

I understand friend. I also can't hurt those that love me by dying. Depression is an awful thing. It's hard living for others. Be honest with yourself about if it's something you can do, and if it is then take if one day at a time. Take good care of yourself and reward yourself for what you're doing.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I relate a lot. My mom is literally the ONLY reason and I mean only reason I'm still alive. My other family i love but they will be ok without me...but my mom...my death will destroy her. I love her...it pains me so much but I have tried accepting in my heart I have done all I can do. I am in torment everyday of my life but I have stayed alive for my mom. But there comes a time when a person simply can't keep handling life kocking them down I am in such torment I want to die so bad but I don't want to hurt my mom....but my mind can't take anymore. I'm just slowly trying to let go because I'm too miserable to stay alive. I'm getting ready and preparing currently for the day I'll be alone I'll ctb.

Having people who care about you is a blessing and a curse....it's a curse if you want to die. I'll be leaving her a personal video telling her she was the best mom ever and she did all she could do... nothing else could save me. I guess I cope because hopefully she will feel better I'm at peace not crying everyday begging for death.

 

[Breadbfra]

I relate a lot. My mom is literally the ONLY reason and I mean only reason I'm still alive. My other family i love but they will be ok without me...but my mom...my death will destroy her. I love her...it pains me so much but I have tried accepting in my heart I have done all I can do. I am in torment everyday of my life but I have stayed alive for my mom. But there comes a time when a person simply can't keep handling life kocking them down I am in such torment I want to die so bad but I don't want to hurt my mom....but my mind can't take anymore. I'm just slowly trying to let go because I'm too miserable to stay alive. I'm getting ready and preparing currently for the day I'll be alone I'll ctb.

Having people who care about you is a blessing and a curse....it's a curse if you want to die. I'll be leaving her a personal video telling her she was the best mom ever and she did all she could do... nothing else could save me. I guess I cope because hopefully she will feel better I'm at peace not crying everyday begging for death.

I think I'll do the same

 

[death137]

I understand you it really hurts to leave loved ones behind. I'm my mother favorite. When my father was alive I was also his favorite. My mother has been insane for some years and when I'm angry at her I feel I don't care how my suicide will affect her. But for the most part I feel bad because she is the best mother. From what she told me and how she reacted to my suicide attempt some years ago I think there is 50/50 chance that my suicide will kill her. I've 2 older siblings and although they will be hurt I'm sure they will be fine in the long run.

 

[Nurse T]

I feel exactly the same! I have my Sn I'm ready to go but my friends and family will be devastated, I'm so miserable though I feel like I'm making life hard for them anyway, and the will never move on while I'm still here!! I've started distancing myself from people, to hopefully make it easier. I'd been self harming as a means to cope lately, but it just causes unwanted complications and I'm so done with it all!! I have everything ready, the SN, Meto, and even diazepam and promethazine, I just need to test the SN, I'm wanting to hold out a couple weeks, till I can see my sister and best friend as they live miles from my, and although they won't know it's a goodbye I will. Just got to pray we don't have another lockdown! I really hope you find the best decision to make peace with, neither will be easy, take time to decide what it is you really want, take care x

 

[Kruger]

I have no one who cares about me, so I'm "lucky" in that sense. I'm an older woman who no kids and no partner. Wasted my youth on a career when I should have had a family. I have no friends either, not real friends - because I was so busy working myself into the ground, I just never cultivated friendships. Now i'm in the position I cannot relate to anyone and don't want people around me.