Burbank
sleepyhead
- Feb 12, 2019
- 61
i've spent this weekend cleaning up my digital footprint, deleting accounts and finding more and more from my many burner emails and i found this one. i forgot this place existed, yet this used to be my go-to place when i was at my worst. on April 3rd, two months from now, would be two years since i last posted here. i didn't get better immediately after that, but i started making unconscious decisions that *helped* me towards recovering.
i was always a bit of an odd child. i barely cried when i was a baby and i was very timid. at around 6 i was sexually abused by a family member and although i didn't feel and trauma back then, it all caught up to me in my teenage years. i started feeling depressed, i needed validation. at school i was avoided and teased and i was convinced i was the ugliest person ever to exist in this world. i think i was 12 when i first self harmed, tried to starve myself, overeat and had suicidal thoughts. all of this continued as the years went on.
in early 2019 i joined this place. i remember i was googling about suicide methods and came across this place. i was shocked at first. it suddenly felt so real and seeing other people with similar feelings and thoughts was in a way comforting but also it fueled my depressive state further. this was the first time i was genuinely planning to kill myself. as you can tell, i didn't go through with it. i was scared and i'm glad i was.
the time went on and i had many ups and downs. i felt hopeless and was convinced i wasn't going to ever become anything. i barely had any friends and the ones i did either didn't see how much i was struggling or made me feel worse mentally with their own issues. i graduated high school, went to art school, tried different hobbies and nothing worked. i was stuck in my small room, eating junk and doom scrolling. just laying in bed 24/7 and living in trash and sleeping between my self harm blood and tears covered sheets.
in august 2022, i cut out a friend. deep down he was an awesome person, but his BPD was too hard for me to deal with. it sounds horrible, but he was a big reason why i was feeling so awful. i went full no contact and although he's tried to contact me, i haven't answered. this was also the time i was losing a lot of weight. in total i lost about 15 kg which made me more confident. i also went on accutane to get rid of my acne. those were two biggest physical things that affected my self confidence and working on them already helped me a lot.
it was autumn of 2022 when i started realizing i might be on a spectrum. i have never gotten a diagnosis and currently i don't want to but i know how i feel and for the first time i felt like i had pinpointed what was making my life so complicated (to put it very simply). i struggled with it quite a bit, but i also found some peace. November 2022 was the last time i self harmed. the time to graduate art school was coming closer and closer and all this stress and worry about whether i'd actually make it this far seemed so dumb. i'd made it. i graduated in February 2023.
for a bit i felt lost, but i started looking for a job to become completely financially independent. i changed my apartment and moved from a tiny shitty apartment with a roommate that made me want to crush my scull into the wall to a nicer, bigger place with my best friend. i got a job and although it was a very stressful, tiring, dead-end customer service job with shitty pay, it seriously distracted me from negative thoughts. it grew me a thicker skin and showed me what i'd have to endure everyday if i don't start actively looking for a better life for myself. i had a more serious romantic partner and although it didn't last and ended a bit sourly i got rid of my insecurity of being a 22 year old unwanted virgin. this was most of my 2023.
in December i heard back from a place i had applied to work at, my dream job. i started there in January this year, with great salary and i'm finally doing something i'm passionate about. my life isn't perfect. i barely go out and i have only one friend. i still have hard time talking to people and although my self confidence has grown massively, there's still insecurities i haven't quite crushed. i do think this glow up has a lot to do with me just getting some life experience and growing up, but i don't want to diminish the steps i took consciously or unconciously towards becoming who i am right now. there's room for growth but there always should be. i'm always trying to challenge myself and try new things to learn about myself and grow.
this whole essay might sound like me flexing on everyone who are struggling right now, but it isn't the intention. i'd like to think that if i saw this post here from someone else in 2019 i would have seen some light at the end of the tunnel and treated myself better, loved myself. i feel really sad for all the years i lost to being a shell of myself. i hope anyone, in recovery or not, can read this and maybe see the light too. whether you are recovering or not (or whether or not you even want to recover) i hope this life, the afterlife or your second life treats you with the love, warmth and respect you deserve.
SS is something i want to leave behind to the past. i will be checking here for a bit after posting this and you can message me, but i'll delete this account in couple of days.
B
i was always a bit of an odd child. i barely cried when i was a baby and i was very timid. at around 6 i was sexually abused by a family member and although i didn't feel and trauma back then, it all caught up to me in my teenage years. i started feeling depressed, i needed validation. at school i was avoided and teased and i was convinced i was the ugliest person ever to exist in this world. i think i was 12 when i first self harmed, tried to starve myself, overeat and had suicidal thoughts. all of this continued as the years went on.
in early 2019 i joined this place. i remember i was googling about suicide methods and came across this place. i was shocked at first. it suddenly felt so real and seeing other people with similar feelings and thoughts was in a way comforting but also it fueled my depressive state further. this was the first time i was genuinely planning to kill myself. as you can tell, i didn't go through with it. i was scared and i'm glad i was.
the time went on and i had many ups and downs. i felt hopeless and was convinced i wasn't going to ever become anything. i barely had any friends and the ones i did either didn't see how much i was struggling or made me feel worse mentally with their own issues. i graduated high school, went to art school, tried different hobbies and nothing worked. i was stuck in my small room, eating junk and doom scrolling. just laying in bed 24/7 and living in trash and sleeping between my self harm blood and tears covered sheets.
in august 2022, i cut out a friend. deep down he was an awesome person, but his BPD was too hard for me to deal with. it sounds horrible, but he was a big reason why i was feeling so awful. i went full no contact and although he's tried to contact me, i haven't answered. this was also the time i was losing a lot of weight. in total i lost about 15 kg which made me more confident. i also went on accutane to get rid of my acne. those were two biggest physical things that affected my self confidence and working on them already helped me a lot.
it was autumn of 2022 when i started realizing i might be on a spectrum. i have never gotten a diagnosis and currently i don't want to but i know how i feel and for the first time i felt like i had pinpointed what was making my life so complicated (to put it very simply). i struggled with it quite a bit, but i also found some peace. November 2022 was the last time i self harmed. the time to graduate art school was coming closer and closer and all this stress and worry about whether i'd actually make it this far seemed so dumb. i'd made it. i graduated in February 2023.
for a bit i felt lost, but i started looking for a job to become completely financially independent. i changed my apartment and moved from a tiny shitty apartment with a roommate that made me want to crush my scull into the wall to a nicer, bigger place with my best friend. i got a job and although it was a very stressful, tiring, dead-end customer service job with shitty pay, it seriously distracted me from negative thoughts. it grew me a thicker skin and showed me what i'd have to endure everyday if i don't start actively looking for a better life for myself. i had a more serious romantic partner and although it didn't last and ended a bit sourly i got rid of my insecurity of being a 22 year old unwanted virgin. this was most of my 2023.
in December i heard back from a place i had applied to work at, my dream job. i started there in January this year, with great salary and i'm finally doing something i'm passionate about. my life isn't perfect. i barely go out and i have only one friend. i still have hard time talking to people and although my self confidence has grown massively, there's still insecurities i haven't quite crushed. i do think this glow up has a lot to do with me just getting some life experience and growing up, but i don't want to diminish the steps i took consciously or unconciously towards becoming who i am right now. there's room for growth but there always should be. i'm always trying to challenge myself and try new things to learn about myself and grow.
this whole essay might sound like me flexing on everyone who are struggling right now, but it isn't the intention. i'd like to think that if i saw this post here from someone else in 2019 i would have seen some light at the end of the tunnel and treated myself better, loved myself. i feel really sad for all the years i lost to being a shell of myself. i hope anyone, in recovery or not, can read this and maybe see the light too. whether you are recovering or not (or whether or not you even want to recover) i hope this life, the afterlife or your second life treats you with the love, warmth and respect you deserve.
SS is something i want to leave behind to the past. i will be checking here for a bit after posting this and you can message me, but i'll delete this account in couple of days.
B
