Leaving my loved ones behind

[SubZero]

As some of you may know, I have catastrophic case of tinnitus and hyperacusis alongside with many more health issues. I have been permanently worsening on a weekly and sometimes daily basis without any reason. I have reached to the point where my tinnitus is so loud and multitonal can't sleep at night even drugged on benzos. Just to give you an idea - it ramps up from the sound of me breathing heavily , running the tap water, or just moving around - all this while wearing ear protection (either earplugs or ear muffs). Just insane case of tinnitus and without a doubt one of the worst out there.

Hyperacusis - I have the pain version where sounds are actually painful. Pain can last up to 5-6 days after a normal noise exposure. It keeps me homebound and I am not able to leave the house. I lost my job and my life as a result.

Recently I developed visual snow, sensitivity to light and many big eye floaters. No need to tell you my life became hell. It drained out every single bit of power I had left. Well - I ran out of fuel, I can't do this anymore. Even being homebound and doing nothing throughout the day - I still cant function. I have been tortured insanely by my ears eyes, back and I am giving up mentally. All this stress is fucking me up.

I have many more issues but to cut the story short - my end is near. I mean - very near. I tried to stick around as long as possible, however I cannot keep up with this beast which ramps up permanently on daily basis and I just cant get used to it. No way on Earth. As some member on SS said - there is not going to be a correct time to CTB - never. And I really think this statement might be correct for most people, including myself. I cannot escape light, and sound in general. l

However, how do I make it less painful for my close ones? My mother lost her father a couple of days ago and she is devastated. My mother is the strongest woman I know, I swear. She has been through hell of a lot in this life but always kept pushing with a smile on her face. I am sure my CTB will crush her no matter when I do it, however, how can I do it now? From one side my situation worsened so much I want to chop my head off and never come back, I do not belong to this world anymore. From the other side, I wanted to stick a little longer so I can be with her, although I am a ruin mentally and physically and I am more of a burden than anything else.

I am dead from the inside from a long time ago. My agony is never ending until I put an end to it.

 

[outrider567]

As some of you may know, I have catastrophic case of tinnitus and hyperacusis alongside with many more health issues. I have been permanently worsening on a weekly and sometimes daily basis without any reason. I have reached to the point where my tinnitus is so loud and multitonal can't sleep at night even drugged on benzos. Just to give you an idea - it ramps up from the sound of me breathing heavily , running the tap water, or just moving around - all this while wearing ear protection (either earplugs or ear muffs). Just insane case of tinnitus and without a doubt one of the worst out there.

Hyperacusis - I have the pain version where sounds are actually painful. Pain can last up to 5-6 days after a normal noise exposure. It keeps me homebound and I am not able to leave the house. I lost my job and my life as a result.

Recently I developed visual snow, sensitivity to light and many big eye floaters. No need to tell you my life became hell. It drained out every single bit of power I had left. Well - I ran out of fuel, I can't do this anymore. Even being homebound and doing nothing throughout the day - I still cant function. I have been tortured insanely by my ears eyes, back and I am giving up mentally. All this stress is fucking me up.

I have many more issues but to cut the story short - my end is near. I mean - very near. I tried to stick around as long as possible, however I cannot keep up with this beast which ramps up permanently on daily basis and I just cant get used to it. No way on Earth. As some member on SS said - there is not going to be a correct time to CTB - never. And I really think this statement might be correct for most people, including myself. I cannot escape light, and sound in general. l

However, how do I make it less painful for my close ones? My mother lost her father a couple of days ago and she is devastated. My mother is the strongest woman I know, I swear. She has been through hell of a lot in this life but always kept pushing with a smile on her face. I am sure my CTB will crush her no matter when I do it, however, how can I do it now? From one side my situation worsened so much I want to chop my head off and never come back, I do not belong to this world anymore. From the other side, I wanted to stick a little longer so I can be with her, although I am a ruin mentally and physically and I am more of a burden than anything else.

I am dead from the inside from a long time ago. My agony is never ending until I put an end to it.

That's up to you--Matter of balance, whether or not your own suffering outweighs your post-life concerns for others----I'm only still here myself because of my brother's terminal cancer diagnosis, he depends on me for emotional support--But some days I feel my own mental suffering from the death of my girlfriend may outweigh my concerns for him after I go, and I may proceed with CTB before he passes on--I had a really bad morning today

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not really have a good answer to the question, I do not feel like there is much of a way to make it less painful for those left behind. Life itself seems to only be pain, if we stay we experience pain, and if we leave we cause pain to others. That is why existence itself is so horrifying, as long as we live, there will be some form of suffering.

That situation you are in sounds so agonising, horrific conditions like that should not even exist in the first place. It is awful how our bodies are capable of torturing us. I'm sorry that you have to suffer like this.

I guess the one way that could potentially make it less painful would be to make sure that others know why you chose this, and if they knew how much you suffered it could give them some closure. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, that certainly does sound like a difficult situation to be in. I hope you find relief from your suffering.

 

[Brianiskillingme]

Ear issues are horrible. I have Menieres and I can hear every body function. My ears are full of fluid, cant hear very well.