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Zazacosta

Zazacosta

Student
Apr 29, 2024
101
Hello strangers,

I apologize in advance, this post is going to be a little long. :aw:

I would also like to thank the moderators for accepting me to the forum.👍

I signed up for this forum primarily because I would like to talk about my problems and the options I have in my situation. I may need other people's opinions and unfortunately I am unable to get them anywhere else. Particularly because I don't have any real friends (that's my fault too, unfortunately), but also because if I did have any friends, I wouldn't be able to talk to them about these things anyway. They wouldn't understand.

I would like also help someone within my means and capabilities here on this forum and at least partially reciprocate it if someone helps me or at least reply to me. I never wanted to just take anywhere, I wanted to give something too. I never wanted to be a burden anywhere.....

Before I describe my problems, I'd like to introduce myself a bit, to make it easier (or maybe not easier...) to recommend me some things or discuss the issue.

I am a middle-aged man with a wife and two young children. I live in one of the 🇪🇺 countries. Which one, I would rather not say for anonymity reasons. Healthcare and specifically mental health treatment is at a very poor level here. I have IQ of over 130. I am a very big introvert, to the point of being a loner, and I have problems communicating with other people and establishing relationships with other people. It's very stressful for me. Despite the fact that it is stressful for me and I don't do it well and would rather not do it at all, over the years I have learned to fake "normalcy" very well. I have graduated from a relatively high level school in the system, even if it's not the best school with the best degree. I also have a relatively good job in administration. I have been working in similar positions for over 10 years, but my problem is that I have to rotate jobs a lot... Which is my fault.:'(

I have been suffering from depression and anxiety disorder since about when I was 10 years old child and have been confirmed to have a personality disorder several times during diagnosis. The craziest part is that each time I was diagnosed, the result was a different type of personality disorder. This fucking personality disorder doesn't allow me to be normal, to live life like other people.

I would describe myself as a total fail and defective person, a biological waste, a horrible person with horrible opinions who has done many bad things in life and humanity will be relieved when I am no longer alive. I think my mind is totally perverted, abnormal and I am such a freak that I have no place among humanity.

I have no other mental illness. A total of three times in diagnosis, I was refuted as having Schizophrenia. I think my difficulties might fit Schizophrenia the best, but every doctor or therapist has told me that I definitely do not have Schizophrenia. I don't have bipolar disorder either. I'm not autistic either.

I've been hospitalized several times for my problems. There's not a day in my life when I do not wish I hadn't been born. I "attempted" CTB once in my life, when I was 13 years old. No one knows about it, I never told anyone. My "attempt" failed and so I'm still here.

I would rate my relationship with my parents as very complicated and reserved. I experienced abusing, bullying and humiliation from them. I don't want to elaborate further to this, especially because it is really painful and also to protect my anonymity. I have tried to forgot about that anyway. I have never taken any illegal drugs and I drink alcohol very very rarely. I have never committed any crime, although many of my actions in life could be considered very problematic and immoral to say the least.

Between the ages of 10 and 15, I had a very special period of my life that affected me greatly. At first I was the smartest student in my class and almost the smartest in the whole school with excellent grades. I was kind of a nerd, a geek, a smarty shit. Then I fell in love into a girl, which was totally different and "very normal" (meaning normal to mental health) and I knew I could never have her, she will never talk to me, and I could never even get close to her. Her gaze burned me to the core of my guts. I started crying a lot. Very often at night. I was going to bed usually about waking stateat 8:00 p.m., and at 4:00 a.m. I still hadn't slept.... I was lying on a wet pillow, salty from my tears. :'(:'(:'(During the crying I was dreaming in a awake state and imagining different stories, different situations. They were all about my future life. I was dreaming of future lives that never came to pass. I was literally dreaming and projecting my future endings of my life. I dreamed about how I would live my life alone, or without a job, or without an education, how I would end my life, or how I would live out my life in prison. I literally dreamed of my suffering, both physical and mental. None of that happened. I dreamed thousands of lifes which never came. At that time, my grades and performance in school and other activities went very down. I couldn't concentrate on anything, I couldn't perform as well as I used to. I also started to be very negative and sarcastic about a lot of things. A lot of people couldn't explain my transformation and I guess I disappointed a lot of people.

I eventually overcame these conditions, thanks to a few things. I left for an another school and thus stopped seeing the girl I believed was causing all my problems. Then also by starting to take pills from a psychiatrist. Even from that time in my childhood, I have learned to cowardly run away instead of facing and solving the problems. I still love this girl in a part of my heart, even though I haven't seen her more than 20 years.

Over the years, I have efficienced my escape artistry to near perfection. Whenever I got into some stressful and unpleasant stuff at school, work, or in the community, I burned all my bridges very quickly. I lost a lot of friends, people, activities or interests that way. But I always moved on. I always cut the burnt bits out of my life like a döner, so I could go on and roast new ones, and when those were burnt too, I cut them out too. I lived like a nomad. I also learned to lie very effectively, especially about my past. I was always able to "mingle" into a new group that way because I was completely alone and without actually fitting in at least a little somewhere in a new school/job or community, I couldn't exist there. Whenever I got into a stressful situation in a new environment that knocked me back into depression or bad moods, or I couldn't focus and perform 120% at work anymore, I always dealt with that by running away. I burned all my bridges, relocated, changed jobs and the community I lived in, and so on.

But if I was in a community, I treated the people around me with consideration and respect, I was generous to those who needed it, and if someone helped me, I always tried to return the help in some way. But when it came time to leave the place, I was selfish and ruthless. I changed my phone numbers, email addresses, place to live, edited my social media profiles, blocked some people, and so on. I did very rarely go back anywhere. And if I did, it was only for a short period of time to not get hurt by bad feelings.

The craziest thing is that while none of my "fake" friendships in real life have lasted more than a couple of years, I've had plenty of people in my online life that I've kept in touch with for a long time. And that was with most of them until I met my wife and started a family. I even met one of my friends in person after more than 15 years of online friendship.

I've been quite the workaholic in my jobs, and I'd say quite successful. I've managed to do quite a few good things, some of which have even saved to some people their time or money. I've managed to find out what success tastes like. But every job of my life to the last one I've had to quit, because of concentration problems, problems with the relationships with people, or both. My resume is filled with lots of administrative positions under not so great employers.

Since childhood, I have been continuously taking pills from a psychiatrist, only from time to time changing the types of these pills. I've tried a lot of them. It's always been a "stick" to help me stabilize my mood, help me to focus and perform well, and forget about the bad stuff. It never solved the root cause of my problems. I think that's unsolvable. I haven't found a formula to recover for that in over 25 years of my life. But I have learned (or at least I think it) one ability thanks to these pills. I have learned not to cry. So much that for years I was completely emotionally numb, unable to feel much sadness about almost to anything. Not even the death of a close family member made me really sad, which is very strange. 😰😰In such cases, I learned to literally "fake" my sadness. For years I didn't cry at all. Not a single tear.🤔

My relationships with women have also always been complicated. I was always searching for a true love, but I never found it. All the women I've ever been involved with I've met online, through some chat room or dating site. Except one - my current wife.

When I was recovering from my last falling down a few years ago, I met a female colleague at the job I was currently at. We became friends. We went on a few dates. We slept together. We moved into an apartment together. And we started living together. Although it wasn't the "brilliantly pure love" I have imaginated. It was the mutuality, the understanding, and her approach to life that I admired.:kiss:

Unfortunately, it was the most fucking mistake of my fucking life. How the fuck did I think I was capable of leading a normal life. And I made an even more fucking stupid decision afterwards. We had kids together.💣💣💣:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(

And now I'm going to shift my story to the present. I currently work at a company that really doesn't do well. I don't even want to tell into what the company does or give any details because of my anonymity.

I have absolutely no idea what I should be doing in my position in the company. Even if I would have worked 20 hours a day, 7 days a week, I'd never get out of the shit this company is in. I do not care about this company and job at all, because this company has terrible image in their customers. There are sitting idiots which do not know how to write an email or what is 5+5. That's why I faked my mental breakdown with a psychiatrist for the first time in my life. Well, I didn't fake it, I just lied. I didn't break down because of a job, I'm looking for a new one. I've even been invited to one interview where I'll lie again to get the job. Or if it fails, I will try to find a job elsewhere.

I broke down because of my family. Our marriage isn't working. All the love and understanding is gone. 💔My wife blames me for being useless, for not being able to help her with anything. She's right. I'm not a practical person. I've never been, I've always been a shit. I don't love my wife and I know she doesn't love me anymore. Very often she tells me that all her friends are convincing her to leave me. In fact, I'm surprised she's still with me. I don't love my children either. I know my wife truly loves them. She is a perfect mother. I am a shit dad. The fatherly love just isn't there. I can't even take care of them. I can't raise them. I know that the longer they're with me, the more I'll deform them and ruin their lives. :'(

I started crying about it again last week. I was in tears again after years without a single tear. And for the first time in so many years, I have again that feeling of crying and dreaming of my next impossible twisted future. I'm currently completely broken, crying every day, having trouble sleeping, and on top of that, I'm trying to take care of my children in the day and in the night that I can't take care of and their crying breaks my heart even more. I feel like I'm living someone else's life, that this life…. this life of "having a normal family" is someone else's life and I can't live it. I can't do more than basic things every day. Otherwise, I rot in my bed.

I've also called several helplines. At none of them I was able to say more than 5% of what I was feeling and at none of them I did get any useful help.

If I look at my current options with at least a little healthy rational mind, I see 5 options for how to proceed and what can happen. I see options 4 🤢 and 5👮‍♀️ as the worst thing that could happen to me, and that's why I don't want to let it to get to them. Option 3 ☠️☠️☠️ I would like to avoid. I know I will do it at some point, but I want to keep it in reserve as a last plan. But I want to be 100% successful when I need it someday. I want to do it when I'm, for example, terminally ill. For example, when I have cancer. I smoke, so that can happen sometime in my life. That's why options 1 and 2 are the best options for me. I truly believe for that.

1) Leaving my family.

I would leave my family after I get a new job and move to a new city. I'll divorce my wife and pay alimony for the rest of my life. My wife will find a new partner after some time. So my kids will have a new dad, which could love them more than me. I'll cut all ties with them. I'll go back to being a runaway nomad, which I've been doing whole my miserable life.This is probably the most likely option. The crisis in our marriage has been going on for several years now and I think it's best for everyone. I think my family will do well, even better than with me. Since I will want to provide them with a decent life and pay alimony, I don't think they will suffer even financially. I will also not influence my children more than necessary with my deviant and perverted mind. It's bad enough that they have my genes. That alone will probably ensure that they will have completely insane personality traits. As for me, I think I'll be able to take quite decently care of myself and live within my means. I'll live for the movies I like to watch, the music I like to listen to and produce, the books I like to read, the history I love, the games I like to play.

I'll have to do my best to never lose my job for longer than necessary. And also to never go down for longer than necessary. There's no safety "cover web" for me anymore. I'm going to "cut off" everyone I've ever known completely out of my life, and restart my life. But I'm going to lose probably the most valuable thing I've ever done in my life - my children. But can I ever love and cherish them?

I'm going to implement the following few rules into my life so that I never get into a similar situation again or get too far down.

Never make friends in the real world.
Never love anyone.
Never get intimate with anyone.
Associate with as few people as possible.
Keep workplace relationships professional but cold.
Make a financial cushion in case something happens to me.


2) Try to rekindle my relationship with the family.

I don't know if this is possible. I don't know if I'm capable of it. And I don't know if I should even try. I don't know if I should just pretend to be happy and just go on living someone else's life. Do I have to force myself to do it? For most people, this would probably be the best option to choose. But I see it as option 2. It's definitely fucking complicated and I do fear that it is almost impossible for me.

3) CBT


Not to prolong my suffering in this life any longer. I see this as an alternative to options 1 and 2 and I'm thinking about it. But I don't want to do it yet. But if I do decide to do it, I certainly don't want to leave anything behind me on this world. I'd like to cover all my tracks so that I leave as little behind me as possible. My life really doesn't have much sense in this world. I would like to destroy and delete everything which could be a proof that I have ever lived.

4) Do nothing.

Gradually, my wife gives up on me. I'll lose my job. I will become homeless. Which probably won't be any good. And I won't be able to live like this. I have the slightest idea how to live like this. So either something unpleasant happens to me due to circumstances or I gradually move to option 3 or 5.

5) I will get locked up.

I'm gonna spend the rest of my life in prison, where I belong. I'll do something, I'll think of something. Some thing which is a completely absurd criminal act that would doesn't hurt anyone, physically, mentally, financially, but gets me to the prison. I do not want to hurt any people anymore. Maybe I will go to the police station and call the police men that I have a bomb and I will kill them if they do not bust me or something like that.

I don't deserve this life. And at least in prison I'll have a place to live and food to eat. Even if I will never get a minute in my life to do what I want and what I like anymore.
********** T H E **** E N D ******
I know I'm a horrible person, I know I've fucked up my life, and what's more, I've fucked up other people's lives. I'd like to minimize the damage I've done.
Is there something missing from my thinking? Am I forgetting something? Have I overlooked something? What should I decide?
Is there anyone here who has at least a similar story?



:aw::aw::aw:
 
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M

moshimoshi

Apr 6, 2024
749
This is certainly a very complicated situation. And I'm sorry you're struggling so much and feeling like you're living someone else's life. I read all of it so just know you're heard 🫂 You can't really blame yourself for lacking love for your family, it's out of your control. I think it's very nice that you want the best life for your children and don't want to make things worse for them. Even if you lack love for them, I think the best thing you can do is gestures of kindness. Buy their favorite foods for them, check in on how they're doing, bring them words of encouragement, play games with them. I don't know how old they are, but play pretend with them and play with toys with them. Bring your own hobbies and interests and share it with them, that may be an easy and good way to connect. The same goes for you wife, even if you don't love her anymore still bring that warmth and kindness even if it's through little things and even if you have to somewhat will yourself to do them. Try to find positives about her in your mind, things you like and appreciate about her still even if they're just very small things.

I think option 1 may be the best (but doing it a bit differently than what you described), if you're unable to rekindle your relationship with your family. But I really really suggest not cutting all ties with them, having a parent abandon a child can be traumatic and they will always wonder if they weren't good enough for you, it will most likely effect them for the rest of their lives. I think visiting them every now and then would be best after moving away, also sending them letters/messages and letting them know you care still, still offer to be there for them in times of need. Even if you don't love them, you seem to still care a lot about them considering you don't want their lives to get worse. I wish you the best of luck ❤️❤️❤️ this is just my view on your situation, and pretty much what I would do. Take it as just one perspective on things to consider when making your decision, as everyone is different. Sending you many hugs
 
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Zazacosta

Zazacosta

Student
Apr 29, 2024
101
@soulkitty Thank you very much for this.:aw::aw::heart:
 
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Yuina

Yuina

Member
Apr 13, 2024
89
Hi there. First, I'd just like to say that I'm very sorry you have to go through all of this. This sounds like a very difficult situation and I sympathize with your struggles. I don't think it's your fault in any way.

While you may not love your children, I can tell you care for them, which is why I think #1 is the best choice for both you and your family. It is never a good thing to force a marriage (or any relationship) when it's clearly not working out, even if it's for the sake of your kids, etc. Children will notice the issues in their parents' relationship and it will affect them throughout their life. I've heard many people say that their parents separating was the best thing that could've happened. It can truly be difficult when you know your parents' relationship is forced. I don't know if you'd have to cut all ties with them but I don't see a point in #2 if you know it's not possible, though I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try. Whether or not you want to cut all ties with your family is ultimately up to you, and I think it depends on how your relationship with your kids already is.

I wish you the best and I hope things go well for you. I'm sorry I can't be of much help. :heart:
 
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Zazacosta

Zazacosta

Student
Apr 29, 2024
101
@Yuina Thank you for your message.
 
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M

moshimoshi

Apr 6, 2024
749
How have you been doing? Hope things are going well ☆
 
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Zazacosta

Zazacosta

Student
Apr 29, 2024
101
How have you been doing? Hope things are going well ☆
Soulkitty thank you for your message.
I am and We are so far well. At least managable. A lot of things are happening, but I try to not vent them so much, becuase I currently do not have so much to share now.... "with everyone"...
Can I write you PM about the details? If you want to hear that?
 
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