alivefornow
thinking about it
- Feb 6, 2023
- 156
TL;DR: Can't bring myself to CTB because family is everything, but desire to die becomes more intense and clear with each day, despite meds.
My close family consists of my mother, my aunt and her son. They all love me very much and will do anything to see me alive, even for another day.
I know I am needed, because I am an able-bodied man. My mother and my aunt are already in their 50s and my cousin is kind of an useless burdensome teenager right now.
They literally need me to carry heavy things, because even though I'm scrawny and skeletal from not eating enough, I'm still far stronger than them.
Due to circumstances I do not wish to discuss right now, I was left permanently suicidal. I'm on three different meds right now, and all they managed to do was to reduce my anguish to a level that I can function, eat, get out of bed, look people in the eye without appearing half dead. But I'm still suicidal.
With my new found clarity, I was able to stop attempting to catch the bus from partial hanging and jumping, which would never work because of survival instinct.
I was able to locate a local store which sells sodium nitrite, which I will pay a visit to as soon as the national holiday going on right now ends. If that doesn't work, I will have to source it from the internet. That could take over 2 weeks, which would suck.
The only thing that overrides my desire to leave this world behind is the feeling of guilt in not being there for these people anymore. They will need me so many times in the future, I feel some kind of responsibility to get better and survive this hell going on inside me. But I feel I'm getting closer to CTB as my life becomes more frustrating and pointless with each day.
My close family consists of my mother, my aunt and her son. They all love me very much and will do anything to see me alive, even for another day.
I know I am needed, because I am an able-bodied man. My mother and my aunt are already in their 50s and my cousin is kind of an useless burdensome teenager right now.
They literally need me to carry heavy things, because even though I'm scrawny and skeletal from not eating enough, I'm still far stronger than them.
Due to circumstances I do not wish to discuss right now, I was left permanently suicidal. I'm on three different meds right now, and all they managed to do was to reduce my anguish to a level that I can function, eat, get out of bed, look people in the eye without appearing half dead. But I'm still suicidal.
With my new found clarity, I was able to stop attempting to catch the bus from partial hanging and jumping, which would never work because of survival instinct.
I was able to locate a local store which sells sodium nitrite, which I will pay a visit to as soon as the national holiday going on right now ends. If that doesn't work, I will have to source it from the internet. That could take over 2 weeks, which would suck.
The only thing that overrides my desire to leave this world behind is the feeling of guilt in not being there for these people anymore. They will need me so many times in the future, I feel some kind of responsibility to get better and survive this hell going on inside me. But I feel I'm getting closer to CTB as my life becomes more frustrating and pointless with each day.
Last edited:
