Venting Leaving me if I self harm again

[Chaestergram]

So I just got into another stupid argument with my partner and I saw that he took my wine opener so I asked him to give it back to me which he replied « after what you did last time I took all of the sharp things and I'll give it back to you if you need it. […] if I ever catch you doing this again, I'll pack my shit and leave »

(Last time I was extremely mad and disappointed by him and I'm not allowed to go downstairs by myself to smoke, which calms me and since we didn't had alcohol which also calms me, to me I was left with the only option of self harming in order to calm down and as a dumb person I didn't saw that some had spilled over my legs so he forced me to show him)

I checked a bit online and yep to tons of people it is totally normal for them what he said except that first of all I started back self harming not even a few after being with my actual partner, before that it had been 3 years that I was clean but since I'm with him it's like I don't have any more control over my emotions, I just burst out of rage ultra fast and become a whole new person which never happened before I met him.

But my relationship with him is far from being fulfilling to me, he is the type of controlling person but not the regular type, by that I mean, now that we are irl (we were in an online long distance relationship back then) I am not allowed to :

- Go out, this include going out to smoke without him
- Have my own pack of cigarettes so smoking when I decide to
- When he left the place he always lock me in
- Back when we were at another place he would keep the key to himself, so does the cigarettes in order for me to not steal anything
- When we were in another country i had to put makeup on all the time I was going out with him (I have face tattoo)
- I can't go out in other clothes that are not a jean and an oversized hoodie, ofc the hoodie can't be tuck in
- I can't go out wearing "too much makeup" and by that I mean… hum… the closest my makeup look like is egirl/emo type of shit

And well the list is extremely long but those are the main problem to me as I am an independent person, all of my exes knew that they couldn't boss me around and that I never needed them just wanted them in some ways but nobody couldn't tell me shit of what to do, how to do, how to dress and act and etc I was just well simply living my own life as a human being but him, he treats me worst than a kid, like not even my mom had ever treated me like that, to him I am just childish, spoiled, an uneducated feminist, I have a problem, I'm crazy, psycho and over sensitive.

But then hearing him say that when he is the main cause of me self harming again and ended up in the hospital and psychiatry 3 times since we got together is just over hypocritical and fucking selfish of him.

Sure I have my part in it but fuck… I'm exhausted of being back to being this depressed and suicidal and controlled by someone else when I worked SO damn hard all those years to finally heal, have my life and myself back together.

And I feel the need to say that no, I cannot use the strength, this is not part of my moral and a part of me do not want to do this as I am somehow afraid of him being violent towards me, because I know deep inside of me that if he could or if I wasn't a womxn he definitely would.

Anyway for the main subject of it I would find it selfish if he does that, selfish for all the damage he had done and the fact that we are both far from our own countries, struggling to actually get to my country and live there without all the stress of being abroad is causing.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm sorry for all of that. It sounds like you would be better off if he actually carried out his threat of leaving?

The last part reminds me of something but I can't think what. Something like forever trying to recoup the losses / emotional investments. I hope that you can escape your current situation as it does not sound healthy at all.

 

[little helpers]

definitely sounds like he's playing mind-control in some ways. acting a dad. a very misogynistic one, too. I don't know what others would say, to me it qualifies as domestic abuse already. psychological terrorizing perpetuated against the other person - you. and I feel you. the deep-seated fear you have for his retaliation.

I don't know too much about these stuff but here's my ideas:

a) reaching out to organizations in support of domestic violence survivors
b) if you're on good terms with your family you might try telling them
c) legal actions including restraining order
d) make a backup plan/safety plan, which IMHO is the most essential

I know either of these is hard. very hard to follow through when you're already under that level of control. but give them a try. you don't deserve that motherfucker treating you like this. I'm here if you wanna talk or just vent.

 

[Chaestergram]

I'm sorry for all of that. It sounds like you would be better off if he actually carried out his threat of leaving?

The last part reminds me of something but I can't think what. Something like forever trying to recoup the losses / emotional investments. I hope that you can escape your current situation as it does not sound healthy at all.

Actually throughout our entire relationship he had threatened me for multiple (stupid) reasons to leave and well to this day he hasn't.

It is far from being healthy and at least I'm happy to actually know it as I could definitely be in denial or else and yes I definitely get what you mean, I realized that I keep on repeating the same pattern no matter my effort not to

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Actually throughout our entire relationship he had threatened me for multiple (stupid) reasons to leave and well to this day he hasn't.

It is far from being healthy and at least I'm happy to actually know it as I could definitely be in denial or else and yes I definitely get what you mean, I realized that I keep on repeating the same pattern no matter my effort not to

Yeah I didn't write that in my previous response but I definitely felt like his threatening to leave was just another false ploy with nothing to back it up, another attempt to abuse & control. I was also thinking how it must feel awful to be locked in and have no means of calming yourself down. I don't know why I didn't write either of those before I suppose I had hope for you that he might leave of his own volition.

You have internet access so is there any way you could contact someone to get help? It's bad enough that he locks you inside the house so you could mention that to someone? If you could leave the house maybe via a back ground floor window or something and get to a shelter maybe that would be best but I don't know if you can do that, also I've never left a house via a window before.

I don't know which country you are in but I'm sure that in some countries the police would have no problems in breaking in the door if you were trapped inside. I'd hazard that you don't feel comfortable in that country and maybe that's also why he treats you the way he does, but your situation could also happen anywhere.

 

[Chaestergram]

definitely sounds like he's playing mind-control in some ways. acting a dad. a very misogynistic one, too. I don't know what others would say, to me it qualifies as domestic abuse already. psychological terrorizing perpetuated against the other person - you. and I feel you. the deep-seated fear you have for his retaliation.

I don't know too much about these stuff but here's my ideas:

a) reaching out to organizations in support of domestic violence survivors
b) if you're on good terms with your family you might try telling them
c) legal actions including restraining order
d) make a backup plan/safety plan, which IMHO is the most essential

I know either of these is hard. very hard to follow through when you're already under that level of control. but give them a try. you don't deserve that motherfucker treating you like this. I'm here if you wanna talk or just vent.

Yes, he is definitely all of that and I would even add narcissistic, he has a huge problem with having everything under control (me) and it didn't surprised me as I already know his view of womxn in general which is the complete opposite of my own moral/belief of it.

And this is domestic abuse, at first I only saw it as being mental abuse but when all the everyday life stuff adds to the balance there is only this word coming to mind. My family are already aware of all of this but I'm somehow stubborn and delusional to keep thinking « once this I'll get back my freedom » but even I highly doubt, for the moment even if they are keeping on reminding me to take a flight back home they are letting me gather the necessary courage as they know I won't keep up for much longer if he doesn't do anything about his behavior towards me.

The restraining order won't be of use as he cannot enter my country without a visa and request for his nationality is extremely hard to get approve but no matter what for the moment I had put to the side enough for me to take a few nights in an hotel, do a pcr and purchase a flight ticket, even my luggage are ready, I only let out the items and clothes I use the most for things to not look too suspicious

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Sounds like a plan.

 

[Chaestergram]

Yeah I didn't write that in my previous response but I definitely felt like his threatening to leave was just another false ploy with nothing to back it up, another attempt to abuse & control. I was also thinking how it must feel awful to be locked in and have no means of calming yourself down. I don't know why I didn't write either of those before I suppose I had hope for you that he might leave of his own volition.

You have internet access so is there any way you could contact someone to get help? It's bad enough that he locks you inside the house so you could mention that to someone? If you could leave the house maybe via a back ground floor window or something and get to a shelter maybe that would be best but I don't know if you can do that, also I've never left a house via a window before.

I don't know which country you are in but I'm sure that in some countries the police would have no problems in breaking in the door if you were trapped inside. I'd hazard that you don't feel comfortable in that country and maybe that's also why he treats you the way he does, but your situation could also happen anywhere.

It's okay sometimes too I type everything on the second message

Unfortunately I can't as we are on the 4th floor, I do have access to internet inside the building but once outside no as i am abroad, in Asia, and my simcard doesn't work for internet here but I definitely thought of taking a local simcard the next that he will allow me to go out as he is the one keeping the local simcard we already took but otherwise I don't know anyone here, it's my first time and calling the police would be I guess somehow hard as not many people speaks English