Least possible damage to children

[Zazacosta]

I am sorry for asking this.
Consider this situation.
Dad is non-functional and cannot give the love to children which they need. This will probably not change. Nobody knows.
One children is baby and will not remember him if he leaves. Another one is 6 years old and will remember him, but not so much after he/she will be adult.

What is the best option for dad if he wants to make the least possible damage for them?

1) CTB
2) Divorce, leave and disconnect.
3) Divorce, leave and stay in touch.
4) Something between divorcing and staying in marriage, stay in touch. (Possibly leaving separatelly or something like that).
5) Stay with the family and try all the best.

 

[Tesha]

What is the relationship like with the other parent?

When you say cannot give love, what does this actually look like?

You're asking what's the best option for Dad (presumably yourself) - what do you want to do?

 

[Zazacosta]

Other parent - my wife - truly loves them.
How it looks like? It is really difficult to explain in short. I wrote a full post about that yesterday Leaving my family vs. rekindle with my family vs. CBT.
What do I want to do? I realized after reading the responses and after checked some other stories of people that the only thing which matter for me is how much damage I will do to them anyway. I fucked up a lot of things in my life and I do not want to fuck up also this. I want to at least "take care" a little bit....

 

[Life_and_Death]

the only thing which matter for me is how much damage I will do to them anyway. I fucked up a lot of things in my life and I do not want to fuck up also this.

Dad is non-functional and cannot give the love to children which they need.

you clearly care about them and love them. there is more than 1 way to love someone, maybe you just need to find your way

 

[Zazacosta]

you clearly care about them and love them. there is more than 1 way to love someone, maybe you just need to find your way

Well, I just do not want to be a total asshole. But I am definitely not good person...

 

[Tesha]

I'll apologise up front, there was a lot of text on your previous post and my focus and concentration isn't the greatest at the moment. If I've misunderstood or I'm jumping to conclusions, tell me. It's also going to be a bit of a waffle, so pick and chose any bits that help and ignore those that don't.

From the skim read, you've got a lot going on, in a myriad of areas. From my perspective, you have a very low opinion yourself. You feel you no longer love your wife and you don't feel you can love your children. There are issues at work and your feelings of inadequacy around your mental health and career choices.

You've shoehorned yourself into 5 choices. They might not be all the choices available.

So first thing, which issue is affecting you the most? Can you break it down into more manageable chunks to work on? I would get absolutely overwhelmed trying to manage all of that at once.

In my opinion, there is absolutely no point staying in a loveless marriage, but have you really reached that stage? Would you both consider marriage counselling?

If the marriage is over, then obviously you need to consider the children. I get the impression that you do love them. Why else would you be asking how to minimise your impact on them? I think the problem may lie in your self worth and the fact that I think you said you struggle with interpersonal relationships.

That doesn't make you a bad Dad. It makes you someone who is struggling.

I've got two children - I know that if I kill myself it will devastate them. I also think I'm harming them by having mental health issues, but I try to minimise my day to day impact on them and put them first where I can - it sounds like that's what you're doing as well.

If I did what I thought was best, I'd already be dead. But I also have to consider their perspective. They would very much prefer me alive.

So your options…

CTB - unless you're really harming the children this will never be in their best interests.

No contact, I personally feel is the same as the above.

Staying with the family may be out of your hands if your wife doesn't want it. This potentially rules out two options.

So out of your choices, divorce, leave and stay in touch may be the only one left that doesn't screw your kids up and you actually have some control over.

Sorry if I'm coming across as a bit blunt - my focus isn't great tonight.

 

[Zazacosta]

Sorry if I'm coming across as a bit blunt - my focus isn't great tonight.

Thank you for what you wrote 1000 times. You did help me a lot now.

My wife wants to hear some kind of "decision" from me fast. Today I offered going to some marriage-therapist.
But I do not know if it helps either and if it is not just a waste of the time.

 

[Tesha]

But I do not know if it helps either and if it is not just a waste of the time.

You've got nothing to lose by trying it.

It's horribly difficult, but I really hope you find your way through.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Well, I just do not want to be a total asshole. But I am definitely not good person...

people arent perfect and cant be expected to be. but even the worst of people can change if they want to.

 

[Zazacosta]

Thank you very much for everybody who participated in the poll. Thank you also for everybody who replied to me.
That is helping me a lot.

 

[lita-lassi]

you're definitely not an asshole if your primary concern is to not mess up the children. i hope youre able to find the most compassionate options for everyone

 

[thenamingofcats]

I don't know what's best for your situation but I had a friend who's dad was extremely depressed his whole life. I mean barely getting out of bed. She told me a little about her feelings and said that on one hand she was traumatized that he was so sick her whole life, but on the other hand she was glad he was her dad and she loved him dearly. When he died of natural causes she wrote a very moving facebook post about her feelings for him.

 

[Zazacosta]

I don't know what's best for your situation but I had a friend who's dad was extremely depressed his whole life. I mean barely getting out of bed. She told me a little about her feelings and said that on one hand she was traumatized that he was so sick her whole life, but on the other hand she was glad he was her dad and she loved him dearly. When he died of natural causes she wrote a very moving facebook post about her feelings for him.

My current situation: My wife firstly agreed about family/marriage therapy.
Then she told me yesterday that it is waste of the time and it will change nothing, so she do not want to go there.
I was kind of broken yesterday and my mood was very down.
But today she was crying when we meet and told me that it is because of me.
I understood her... But I told here it will be best to go to a therapy, just for the way to help us to overcome the situation. Even if we divorce for sure, I told her that it will help us both to set up what the relationship will be after divorcing and how to prepare the children for it... So she changed her decision again. It calmed the situation for now...
Nothing else changed since then. I know it will be quite long process now...
I do not know what to expect, but I am quite sure (99%) that we will divorce even after the therapy.