Update: 4 weeks into this job, and...I'm over it. Not the work, itself, but the bull around it. I didn't go into this looking for a fight, but it seems that's the world wants, so...
Basically: To both work and life:
Give me a reason to stay vs. a reason to go. Because you need me more than I need you. Literally. And I'm not seeing much reason to stay.
(TL:DR version):
It's got me stressed, and ready to CTB sooner. But even more than that, not being able to talk about it with friends, not even just to vent.
The sad-but-!@#% up part is that I don't share my thoughts much anymore already, because I don't want to overshare and burden people, like I did in the past, about my family trauma. But then, one online "friend" (actually, a long-time online acquaintance, which are all I have left, now, but one I've never spoken to in real life until recently) has recently not only been unexpectedly and aggressively reaching out to me (I didn't initiate it), but said he was concerned about my welfare (I actually started to get concerned that he was a member here, as I suspect he has ideations, too, and knew what I've been writing, hence the unexpected reaching out on the phone). It was weird, though; he was constantly bringing up that he was ok with me being gay, even when I wasn't talking about it, just things that made me think he knows I'm looking to CTB. So, I thought I shouldn't be ungrateful that someone out there is expressing concern in my life. So I took the risk and, without mentioning anything about CTB (no one knows that about me but me), I tried to open up about my job concerns, but when I started, he cut the call short (after previous calls were longer). Later, online, after I made a comment about work, not even addressed to him, on my own FB page, he jokingly(?) called me a "whiner", which sent me into another wave of doubt and shame over having concerns (maybe I'm not asking him enough about his own problems? Except that that's the reason I started to take his phone calls is not because I was looking to unburden myself on him (and I never told him I want to CTB), but because he made a comment about CTB himself. But he played that off as a joke.) The joke, both about CTB and the "whiner" remark, though, I think it's just "his way", (being former military), and I know he has his own issues, but he hasn't called since, after constantly calling me.
Ok, then, lesson learned: Don't "whine", then anymore. "Suck it up, and be grateful to have a job" ( even if it's abusive, because !@#% you). No one wants to hear it. I have no one to count on. It's just me.
That made my decision to CTB that much easier. I thought I was supposed to try harder for the sake of those who reach out and express concern, but "SIKE!" You fool; they don't want to hear it. Fine. I'm not going to try to stick around for the sake of others, and aside the matter of finishing my last obligations, I'm not going to worry about how they'll be affected by it, emotionally. ("Whiners.")
Venting version:
So, then, if the people who want to me "live" don't want to hear it, I'll just vent here. No expectations, and no one trying to talk me out of it, or even acting as if they care, only to shut me out, again, when I do finally open up. At least, this will help me to get the thoughts out of my head, and off my chest, instead of bottling it up and pretending I'm ok from 9 to 5...
I was trying to put my best foot forward with dealing this job and making it work, and my desire to CBT, but damned if I reach out, damned if I don't...
So here I am, venting here, again.
2 weeks into it, it wasn't so bad. It's busy, there's plenty of work (a lot, actually), but they weren't unreasonable in their expectations, as long as you're focused and not slacking, and I can do the work. And for the most part, the people weren't bothering me.
I even started feeling optimistic, that they might hire me on permanently. But then, during the 3rd week, there was a management shift which gave us a new supervisor. A passive-aggressive, gaslighting, micromanaging supervisor, who decided that nothing was good enough, while wrapped up in a sweet "I'm just a nice grandmother who makes cookies for everyone" outer shell. But asks questions, and when you answer, says "well, can't you do MORE?" or "why don't you know who that person is?" (regarding a casually mentioned name of someone I was never introduced to, despite only being there for 2 weeks, and having no interaction with said person, yet), or "why are you doing this THAT way?" (because I was told to, thank you), etc...(Not just to me, to everyone, temp and permanent.)
She's got the whole department stressed out, not just me. (And she's screwing things up, in the process, trying to change everything on the spot, to show "who's in charge"). But still, it's me, as well, especially when my every movement is being questioned. And I don't mean checking my emails or slacking, I mean: Why am I holding the paper this way? Why am I putting things at this angle instead of that? Why isn't the penguin facing east? (Ok, the last one was from MISERY, but that's what it's feeling like...) And when I try to explain what I'm doing (as if it was a problem, to begin with), I get puzzled looks back. Because I'm actually explaining what I am doing, and why, and not bullshitting. (I've done office work for a long time, I know how to handle it efficiently). Stupid !#$% questions to undermine my self-confidence while making her look smart and in control. All things my own grandmother used to do (that's how I'm able to recognize it, now that I know the truth about her and my family.) Nothing is ever good enough, no matter how good it is. Anywya, the supervisor asked me to staple some stuff as if it were the most important thing in the world, like I wasn't capable of such a remedial task. And she was fretting that I didn't have an electric stapler. I showed her. I took the stack, did them by hand with a manual stapler, and knocked them out. "Need more done?" I asked. Lady, I will dance rings around you in efficiency. But I think I scared her, too, because I scared myself. Because I wasn't just reacting to her, but to my grandmother, my mother, and everyone else. I got "aggressive" back about it. Not yelling, not cursing, but you could feel it, you could see it in my eyes. Like, my words were saying "How can I help you? What do you need done?" but my energy was saying "Don't test me, don't try me, and don't come at me, because I know exactly what you are doing..."
That's the thing: it's making me hostile. But I wasn't looking for that. If you treat me with respect, I will move mountains to get the job done, with a smile. I want to treat you with respect and do a good job. But if you treat me like I'm stupid, I will first doubt myself, thanks to childhood abuse, and try to move mountains to gain your approval. But then I will get angry and hostile and drop that mountain and let it crash.
(Basically, there are "bins" of paperwork to process and mail. We were told between 2 and 3 a day, 2 being realistic, maybe 2/3 -2 1/5 if everything's clean. But there are a lot of mistakes that have to be corrected, or simply some bins have more documents than others, and some go faster because they need less prep work, etc. But this new person wants us to do MORE, but also, with LESS TIME to do it, because she wants us to to do OTHER work for another section as well. And of course, I'm reading this as a quota to be met, or they won't hire me permanently. So, even if it's not personal, it is a threat to my prospects of getting hired on permanently...and yet, they'd be cutting their nose off to spite their face, because none of the temps can do three bins under the current conditions, so, just call their bluff.)
And I 'm not authorized for overtime, as a temp. The permanent employees are all putting in many hours of overtime, and temps aren't authorized for that, so...push us to work harder, with less time, while piling on more work? I am not a lazy person, but I know when I'm being taken advantage of, too...Hell. They sat me down in a dust-covered cubicle and gave me vague instructions on what's to be done, with little followup, but I put in the effort (even brought in my own Windex and scrubbed the cube down, etc, in addition to figuring out the work), as long as they don't bullshit me. And until the new person, they weren't. So when someone new comes along and casts aspersions, I'm going to take it personal.)
Fortunately, she was off the last 3 days of last week, which gave us some breathing room. But it has me dreading returning to work tomorrow, which will be my 5th week. What bugs me more than the person, though, is my physical reactions: my anxiety shot up again, my jaw is clenched again, I'm stress-eating, and waking up on the weekends from work dreams. When talking to her, my ears get red and my body gets hot, in flight-fight mode, because she keeps asking me questions that I've already answered, trying to make me look like an idiot or catch me in a trap. And yet, I keep telling myself I shouldn't be feeling this way. This is just a temp position. If it works out, that'd be great, but I wasn't supposed to get my hopes up.
Still, I did. But as far as the anger: Why? Because of the abruptness of it. And it seemed to be a bit screwed up for everyone, so my sense of justice gets riled up. But still, I knew this kind of thing was a possibility. And if I'm going to CBT soon, anyway, what's the big deal? I have my "out", I'm just buying time, anyway, to get my affairs in order. I think it was because the sudden change in management took me by surprise (as it did everyone, it seems, as I'm not the only one feeling it). I don't know if it's just past situations and patterns taking over, or SI, because if this doesn't work out, I'm not going through all this trial-and-error again. So why am I stressing it so much, when I say it doesn't matter?
But also: Because I told myself NOT to get attached to this job. Yes, do a good job, don't take advantage or be lazy, but not to burn myself out for their sake (as I've done in the past), or to be manipulated, take abuse, etc (whether over or, in this case, covert). Because I tend to care TOO much, and take things to heart, and it gets used against me too often. (Already I can feel that it was going there, because I'm catching errors and fixing things that I'm told I'm supposed to do, and the comments are "wow, you're so good at that! I can tell you take pride in your work." But the subtext is "just get the damned files out the door", errors be damned; they just won't say it out-loud. But they'll blame you when they don't get paid due to said errors, that's for sure!) But overall, it was going fine, in that regard. But the bait-and-switch in management that led to this just feels like another cosmic joke.
Because I'm a good worker, and because I was given the impression that they were happy with my work, up to now. (I was even trying to figure out ways to optimize the process, while reminding myself that I'm new, and that's not my job, not to mention it pisses off lazy coworkers who don't want to do better). It was fine, until this new person came in, making me doubt myself. Again, I know it's not personal, as it's not just me...( I was even told that it's not me, by the lead clerk, that they know the new person is being unreasonable, and to just do what I can, like I have been...) But still, it makes me angry. I don't like lazy co-workers, but I don't like abusive management, either. And when people tell me not to, or relax, or whatever, it just doesn't work, because I ruminate so much; it's ingrained in me; hyper-vigiliance, thanks to past abuse. It's a lifelong thing that I can't turn off, and it makes me drink. And I'm not an alcoholic, but drinking is the only way I can stop when I get like this, and I hate having to do that.
What angers me the most is that I am trying to make this job work. It's not perfect or my ideal (I've had two "dream jobs" in the past, but one went under, and the other I quit after 4 months because of abusive management.) If it's not" ideal", at least it's honest work, in itself, and I am trying to work with what I have, and trying to do a good job. I am even coming home physically exhausted, my back sore from constant movement and my eyes strained from paperwork, to the point, where I'm worried about my sight while driving. But now, I have to spend time and energy dealing with workplace games and manipulations, and answer questions "politically" or "Strategically", since they don't seem to want the truth, but games. Which, as an introvert/Asperger type, is more exhausting for me than the work itself.
Still, I keep telling myself, "So what? If it gets too much, I have my out. I don't have to go get angry, or make a scene. I really think it was being blind-sided by the change, and the flight-fight response kicking in. I just hope I don't lose my cool, like I almost did. There's no need. I can walk away at any time, calm and cool, if it gets too ridiculous. Or I can call her bluff. But I'm just damn tired of the games. I just wanted to do a good day's work and earn my pay without the games. I didn't want to spend my final months sitting around doing nothing, and I couldn't even think of something to blow my money on, like a vacation, that I'd enjoy, especially without feeling "guilty". I just wanted to be productive and keep my mind occupied. But I got my hopes up, foolishly.
Lesson learned: the games never end, and the mind!@#% never stop. Still, why let it get the best of me? No use crying over things I cannot change, and the whole point of having a "peaceful pill" is so that I don't have to get all hostile and worked up in defense. Just do what I can, let others deal with their mistakes, and let the chips fall where they may.
So, with that in mind, and now that the "element of surprise" has worn off: I'm flipping the "game". When I go in, tomorrow, she'll ask me what I did in her absence, and I'll tell her. (Heck, despite being new, I was trying different ways to speed things up, but the reality is that it takes as long as it does, period, unless one uses "short cuts" and does sloppy work.) And she'll either accept that or she won't. I will not allow myself to be "interrogated", or have my work ethic called into doubt, etc. But I will not get angry, or make a scene, either.
Maybe this is a life "test" for me? To test my SI? To test my will? To prove that I'm not here to be abused and manipulated, to show myself that the past is the past, and I don't have to take it, anymore? Ok, then. Fine. I will play along. I will call the bluff. (For all I know, she'll simply back off. Or, maybe it's the new supervisor who won't last, the way she's going...)
Who needs whom more? Me, or them? I don't need a job where I'm going to be physically stressed for bull reasons, and I wouldn't want to be hired by such a place if that's what they want. And if accept that kind of behavior, then I deserve the stress they give me. And if they start losing people over bullshit like arbitrary quotas and mind games, then she'll have to do the work herself. (Because I'm not the only one who feels this way.)
So, then, new game, for work, and for life:
Give me a reason to stay vs. a reason to go. Because you need me more than I need you. Literally. And I'm not seeing much reason to stay.
i hope things work out. i've seen apartments with leases for a shorter term like 3 or 6 months, idk if those are a possibility where you are but maybe it could buy you more time. i hope things at the temp job go well for you.
