Last level of depression

[Un-]

I think I've reached it. Sounds a bit weird to say but.. Everyone secretly knows there's levels to it. There's levels to everything: you have elementary school, primary, secondary and tertiary. You get ugly, modest, handsome. The same with depression. You get: feeling like shit every once in a while. To once every day. To every hour. To every minute. I think I've reached the bottom of the barrel to some point. I think a lot of people here have, too.

It's not important really. Even making this post is pointless. It'll be seen the wrong way. Like "I'm the most depressed (non) human being to ever exist and no one can be as depressed as me". It's not true. I'm sure there's others that are out of their gobs right now. Feeling way worse than I could ever imagine.

I don't know. What I do know is I've reached a point of no return. I find it scary to say that. Someone a few weeks ago was talking about how there's a difference between what we say because of self hate and reality. Some of us hate ourselves and call ourselves disgusting. But even though it's hard to admit, we have a semblance of self love. Like "I'm horrific, but not *that* horrific". But then you get points where you really are horrific. And the lowest to which you degrade yourself is actually the truth.

I'm there. Really. I could have money. I could have friends. I could be wherever I wanted. I could rekindle lost relationships. I could find love. I could have tons of sex. But none of them would make me happy. Nothing will make me happy. Nothing will make me feel less alone. Even though I'm typing this garbage out and thinking of everyone on this site and what you guys said. Even if I reached out. I know that I'd still end up killing myself.

I guess that's a level or two above where I'm currently sitting. I'll wrap this up quickly because you probably have something worth doing. Something better than reading some miserable fucks memoir.

I don't see the point in anything. I don't see the point in trying. In being successful. In getting lovers. In getting fucking internet points. I don't see the point of living. Not only because we're gonna die. But because we mean nothing. I mean nothing. I'll pass away and a week from now no one here would remember me. Two weeks from then, my family won't remember me. And memories and belongings of me will fade away. Like I never existed. The same will happen with you. And your kids. And your husband. And your grandpa. And your cat. Make the most of it, right? But memories don't mean anything either. When you die, you will cease to be.

Finally, the last stage. Heh. I'm so for making this so long. And painful to listen to. Something I noticed.. Second hand embarrassment. You know, when, let's say for example, you're in a classroom and you make a funny noise. How no one reacts? They're embarrassed for you. Or how you mess up a presentation? Or mess up giving an order at a restaurant? Or misspelling a word on a post? How no one points it out? It's because they're embarrassed for you. Silently. Pity. The worst kind of embarrassment. So you're reading this and feeling the same way which is understandable. I'm sorry.

I don't care how I die. I don't care if it's peaceful. I don't care if it takes me an agonizing 5 minutes or an hour to die. I don't care if the methodology involves me being hanged by my deskined self. I think I would enjoy it. I'm not sadistic but that amount of physical pain can never, and will never amount to the pain I'm currently in. Someone here said something that struck a chord. Something to the effect of: "what comforts me is the feeling of bliss, of relief that death brings. I won't have to worry about anything anymore because it won't matter to me anymore". I think that's the last level. Where you're existing because you aren't dead yet. Meaning, you're still alive because you haven't loaded a magazine in yet. You haven't ordered your sn. You haven't finished tying a rope yet. Not because you have anything of value in your life.

I doubt anyone has read this. I wouldn't read this. It's way too long. But if you have.. Thank you. Next time you see "Un-", just skip it. I'm a waste of time.

 

[lostmyself]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. But I believe you are correct in what you described. The pain, etc, overcomes SI.

 

[deathisnear]

I'm there as well. You are so right, there are a lot of layers to depression. I too am at the final layer of never going back. I can't wait to ctb and end my miserable existence.

 

[antinatalist]

Sorry you're feeling this way. But you're wrong in assuming we pity you. If ever there is a group of people that can understand what you're going through, it's this one. You're not a waste of time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I totally get what you say about the last level. I too feel the utterly meaninglessness of our existence.
Stay strong!

 

[WornOutLife]

Yes, I used to be at the worst level of depression for almost 3 years. I had even become a NEET.

However, it is possible to improve things but it takes a lot of effort and words like "things are not as bad as you think" are nonsense. The only way to move on, is realizing that if you're not ctb right now, you'll just spend the rest of your days in a bed crying and looking at a wall.

I will probably ctb some day but, meanwhile, I'll try to have some fun and do something productive before leaving this goddamn blue rock.

 

[newave3]

I read every word. I have nothing else worth doing. I'm just lying here on my sofa staring up at the ceiling in the middle of the night and wishing I could sleep but I can't. I do this every night for hours and hours. I have some of the same thoughts you wrote about in your post.

 

[FuneralCry]

Depression can torture us, and we can have no control over it,and it is true there are different stages from misery to pure despair. There is often nothing you can do as you are stuck with your own thoughts, it can be prison like. Death does comfort me a lot, because it is the one escape, there is just permanent peace.

 

[NoPointToContinue]

I read your post and I understand how you feel brother(or sister). To keep on living in worst mental or physical situations for me is lack of self-respect (if there is no hope for better future). Dignity...at least let's not lose that.