Last ditch effort

[Ardesevent]

I finally can't stand being alive anymore, so I'm going to make a last effort to die.
I'll probably attempt at drowning first. It's been the closest to being successful out of my previous attempts, so I have hope it'll work.
Partial hanging would have been my first choice, but I'm too stupid to figure out where the carotid artery is, so it's out of the picture.
If drowning fails, I'll probably eat castor beans and hope for the best. I don't want to risk extracting the ricin since it's illegal. It'll be extremely painful, but there's no cure, so it's pretty much a death sentence.
Thank you for everything. I've been able to learn so much since I joined, and the people here are a lot nicer than I thought they would be. Thanks for putting up with me for so long. If everything works out, this'll be my goodbye.

 

[Grandexit]

Is there anything you want to talk about? Is something setting you off?

 

[Ardesevent]

Not really. There's not much left for me to talk about.
I'm having to attempt now since I have an official deadline. Exams are coming up at my college, and I have a doctor's appointment in a few weeks, since I need to get my meds refilled. My stomach's covered in scars, and I can't afford to thrown in a mental health facility or see a therapist.

 

[departing]

Some colleges have counseling centers that are free for students to use. Perhaps your school offers this as an option?

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Not really. There's not much left for me to talk about.
I'm having to attempt now since I have an official deadline. Exams are coming up at my college, and I have a doctor's appointment in a few weeks, since I need to get my meds refilled. My stomach's covered in scars, and I can't afford to thrown in a mental health facility or see a therapist.

Not to invalidate your feelings, so here it goes: I see nothing in what you listed as reasons that would warrant any urgency to me(!). Cant you just write bad exams, go to your doctor and get your meds refilled?

Can you maybe explain some more what is making you so agitated about ctbing?

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I'm so sorry you have to suffer like this.... :(

 

[MsMaudlin]

I hate to think of you suffering.
Whichever path you choose, we will support you.
Sending love and strength ❤

 

[Ardesevent]

My college doesn't offer that, but thanks for the suggestion.
My meds are out of refills, so I have to go see one. It's been a couple years since I've actually gone to one, so they'll probably want to do a physical exam. I can't lie about my scars, even a person with no knowledge about this stuff would know they're self-harm scars if they could see them. I relapsed recently, so that just adds to the risk. If I fail exams, there's a good chance I'll lose my financial aid, and I can't afford college without it. My social life has plummeted down the toilet, so that's not really adding to motivation to be alive either.
Thanks for your support! I only have to wait a couple more hours, then I can finally CTB.