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May 18, 2018

As a kid I lacked maternal love, I suffered a lot because of this. I have a mom, but she is very wounded, and she couldn't transmit to me what I have now found on a 35 year old woman that is a maid in my house.

I had a mixed feeling relationship with her. It begun with casual talks of trivial, superficial matters, and slowly it became more and more intimate.

I always felt this warmth, patience, calmness, nurturing energy from her. However at the same time I sexualized her, since I don't have any sexual partner, and my closeness to her sparked those inner impulses too.

She didn't push me away, I gradually almost imperceptibly escalated, almost unconsciously, our physical contact.

At first I just hugged her very casually, I remember one day I was going camping and I said goodbye to her, and she kissed me on the cheek with her big motherly lips. I felt so warm inside, loved. I cry as I write this.

I love this woman, I hug her a lot. She makes my heart area feel warm, full. A place where throughout my life, I felt crippling pain, surrow, hollowness.

Yesterday I grabbed this lady by the neck, and she then slapped me in the face and clawed me with her nails. I took it to far. There are really no words to describe why I did this. I think it might have been like the ultimate cry for help, I dont really know.

Now im on a bed on my mom's boyfriend flat, on a beach area 100km away from my house, Im here with my biological mom, her bf, and my little sister. This woman I talk to you about is back in my house 100km away. She stayed there, to think.

After we had that physical moment, I told her to leave the kitchen where I was about to eat. Then when I finished eating I roamed the house and found her locked in her bathroom. I told her I was sorry and that I regretted it. She was locked from within but I knew I way to open the door, I told her this after we exchanged some words, she was crying in there. I told her that I wasnt going to go in cos I didnt want to invade her anymore, that I fucked up, that what she gives me is beyond sexual energy, that I fucked up, and that I wanted her to come out of the bathroom, and that I wanted to say sorry. That I felt like a wounded dog that bit her out of insecurity and weakness/pain. I ended up sort of opening the door slowly, telling her "come on, please, come out, I want to hug you", she opened the door and we hugged, and both cried, and she softly and caringly expressed her sadness towards my really wounded and struggling self, and she cried, and I cried, and I hugged her, and I love her, shes like all the love I never had, the care.

And now Im here, crying in this bed, writing this, I slept only for 5 hs. What she makes me feel is a strength, in my heart that when I feel it, I feel like I can achieve ANYTHING, that I can live, I can do ANYTHING. I can do the impossible with that love in my heart. I can make everything out of nothing. But I know that I crossed the line with her, shes the type of real, human, person. A real fucking human, shes like half indigenous, idk how to explain, Im from latin america, Im 100% caucasian, and I know that this type of person she is, this kind of being she is, isnt very common in the world anymore. This type of mothers, are dissappearing just in the same way that we are violating mother earth, just like we are destroying natural habitats.

All I know is that on monday Im going back home, and I dont know if she'll be there. The only thing that keeps me comfort is buying nembutal and ending my life.

Its her decision you know. The kind of emotional healing that I need is something that is very rare that people cure. Most people live entire lives without healing these wounds. I am lucky to have her, but also, it has to be reciprocal, and maybe she just can't, I know it requires a lot from her part. She knows Im suicidal, she knows the pain I go through, she cried with me about it. She feels my pain.

I think she wont leave, I think I trust that she'll stay, and that makes me so fucking happy inside, it shows me that inconditional love does fucking exist, if she does this, shes my mother, I cant pay her, but I give my life to her, she'll be in the center of my heart for the rest of my life, she, her family, and everyone around her.

If she decides to leave, because she doesnt have the strength to do it, I just have to accept that. And idk what I'll do. I guess I'll give myself some time if that happens, maybe a couple of months. And I'll see.


Mar 28, 2018
Have you tried theraphy? Meds?
Maybe those things could help in your case.
Get your life toghether.
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