Kore
Lonely in a room full of people…
- Nov 2, 2023
- 140
Lately I've been trying to catch and stop my mind from throwing barrages of insults at myself. It usually starts with a positive thought, which is immediately met with negative thoughts and reminders of just how pathetic I am. Of how pointless it is.
"You're not good enough."
Pause
"You're pathetic."
Shorter pause
"You're weak."
Even shorter pause
"You're ugly."
Thoughts are coming rapid now
"You're a loser."
"They won't look twice at you."
"They laugh at you."
"Give up."
With each mental slap, my shoulders sag lower, my chest gets tighter, and then the tears start to fall. Slowly at first, until eventually they're streaming and my throat is burning.
It's… exhausting. Not just mentally, but somehow physically.
Over the past few years, I've noticed I seem to run on a cycle. It's not always the same lengths, but I have peaks and lows and rarely feel stable for a long period of time. But the deeper the low, the harder it is to get back out. I started to realize that on those days, I don't really want to get out…?
I started to realize that for some reason, the negativity is… seductive. I wrap myself in my pain as if it's comforting. I don't do things that make me happy because 'happy' feels alien; feels like I'd be lying to myself if I smiled, and so I purposely avoid it during those lows.
When I get to breaking point, there is something 'nice' about the breakdown that follows. When you just give in to your emotions, and begin to cry uncontrollably. It's often in the shower when I have no phone or object to hold my attention, or in the car for the same reasons. When the mental barrage of insults are free to pour out. I cry so hard I can barely breathe, until I finally pull in a shuddering breath.
Maybe it's the fact we try so hard, every day, to seem normal to other people. We expend so much energy and effort to hold our emotions in check. When you can no longer hold it back, it feels… good??
At any point I could stop, it's not hard to stop crying. But it's… pleasurable? Relieving? I don't even know what word to put on it, other than that it feels seductive. On those days, I want to use my pain as a blanket, crawl into it, and hide from the world.
I think the hardest part about these breakdowns is that it's something that I DO have control over, yet choose not to control. It's all in our mind. We know we should snap out of it and make an effort to recover, but it feels… wrong. It feels much nicer to sink lower and lower into the hole. Into the pit of despair. There were days where I literally did and said nothing all day, just kind of sat there, numb and tired.
Once you're deep enough in that pit, it feels incredibly hard to claw and climb back out. But in reality, our own mind is that pit. The walls are only getting higher because we think they are. Because we don't want to climb out just yet. Because the pain feels seductive. In fact, maybe it isn't even a pit at all, more like a shallow………… Depression.
Huh.
I guess that's why they call it that.
"You're not good enough."
Pause
"You're pathetic."
Shorter pause
"You're weak."
Even shorter pause
"You're ugly."
Thoughts are coming rapid now
"You're a loser."
"They won't look twice at you."
"They laugh at you."
"Give up."
With each mental slap, my shoulders sag lower, my chest gets tighter, and then the tears start to fall. Slowly at first, until eventually they're streaming and my throat is burning.
It's… exhausting. Not just mentally, but somehow physically.
Over the past few years, I've noticed I seem to run on a cycle. It's not always the same lengths, but I have peaks and lows and rarely feel stable for a long period of time. But the deeper the low, the harder it is to get back out. I started to realize that on those days, I don't really want to get out…?
I started to realize that for some reason, the negativity is… seductive. I wrap myself in my pain as if it's comforting. I don't do things that make me happy because 'happy' feels alien; feels like I'd be lying to myself if I smiled, and so I purposely avoid it during those lows.
When I get to breaking point, there is something 'nice' about the breakdown that follows. When you just give in to your emotions, and begin to cry uncontrollably. It's often in the shower when I have no phone or object to hold my attention, or in the car for the same reasons. When the mental barrage of insults are free to pour out. I cry so hard I can barely breathe, until I finally pull in a shuddering breath.
Maybe it's the fact we try so hard, every day, to seem normal to other people. We expend so much energy and effort to hold our emotions in check. When you can no longer hold it back, it feels… good??
At any point I could stop, it's not hard to stop crying. But it's… pleasurable? Relieving? I don't even know what word to put on it, other than that it feels seductive. On those days, I want to use my pain as a blanket, crawl into it, and hide from the world.
I think the hardest part about these breakdowns is that it's something that I DO have control over, yet choose not to control. It's all in our mind. We know we should snap out of it and make an effort to recover, but it feels… wrong. It feels much nicer to sink lower and lower into the hole. Into the pit of despair. There were days where I literally did and said nothing all day, just kind of sat there, numb and tired.
Once you're deep enough in that pit, it feels incredibly hard to claw and climb back out. But in reality, our own mind is that pit. The walls are only getting higher because we think they are. Because we don't want to climb out just yet. Because the pain feels seductive. In fact, maybe it isn't even a pit at all, more like a shallow………… Depression.
Huh.
I guess that's why they call it that.
