Venting Kore’s rambles: Intrusive thoughts

[Kore]

Hi lovely people. For anyone that may have read other posts by me, might notice that I tend to struggle keeping things short and concise and tend to ramble. Feel somewhat guilty that people have to read it? But at the same time, that's what we're here for I guess. So from now on I'll prefix the title of my posts with 'rambles' so you're atleast warned.

I was wondering what other peoples experiences are with intrusive thoughts? I was feeling anxious as heck yesterday so decided to go for a walk in the countryside, get away from the world. I found this amazing overview spot where I could see nothing but farmland, sheep, green grass and trees, it was v peaceful. Sat there for a while thinking of nothing, felt quite content.

Then suddenly I'm thinking about how even beauty is meaningless and that I'm so pathetic I need to find a space away from all humans just to feel calm… ugly, worthless, useless… felt like slapping myself to block the thoughts so I can just enjoy the view for 5 more minutes without feeling empty.

To be clear I'm not schizophrenic, and neither is my other personality (jk). They are not 'voices inside my head' but rather just stray thoughts, the ones that just beat you down emotionally and make you feel like giving up. I could be out trying to enjoy myself and I suddenly remind myself that the people probably think I'm weird or are just humoring me until I leave or that none of it even matters…

I'm sure most of us experience this to some extent; my extent seems to be severe for the last few months. I tend to try and deal with them via escapism, as I've talked about in a different post, though I don't think escalating reality for a while solves anything… just delays it.

My first thoughts when I open my eyes are usually along the lines of "ah fuck, another day to get through." "May aswell just go back to sleep" etc. I wish the thoughts had an off button.

Here is where I was sat, feeling calm for all of 5 minutes before I started feeling empty again… not fair

View attachment 122823

 

[Kit1]

Well you have met someone else who also rambles - often my messages are long as well.

I am not sure if mine is similar to yours. I experience a lot of flashbacks and nightmares - I have complex PTSD and dissociate quite a bit as well and it is all linked to being abused as a child. I could be having a good day and then I will just be hit by a flashback and I could easily go from being okayish to being suicidal - and sometimes I would find myself on top of a mountain, taking an overdose etc. I could be looking at and admiring something beautiful such as the seaside and end up feeling suicidal. Trying to work through it in therapy, but looks like my therapy sessions are going to run out in about 10 sessions. I try grounding techniques, mindfulness etc.., doesn't help all the time especially when I have already disassociated. I had a safe person (my GP) to call for support and would often do that and he was good at talking me through to safety - unfortunately I lost that support when the surgery changed the rules of how to contact the practise - and now death is just an accident waiting to happen without any safe person to turn to.

I think therapy might help if you can afford it as it needs to be long term therapy with someone who you trust. I am with the NHS in England and sessions are free, but limited here and there are waiting lists, being handed over like a part on a factory floor etc. Long term therapy might just work for those who can afford it.

Please feel free to reach put if you would just like a listening ear. Take care.

 

[Kore]

Ayy I'm not alone!
I'm really sorry to hear all that you've gone through, though it shows a certain strength of character that you've managed to get as far as you have. I can only offer you my highest respect.

I have tried therapy in the past, but didn't find someone I connected with, and I have this really tough mental block for trying to forget the fact that im paying someone to listen to my troubles. It feels… forced/fake, idk how to describe it. The "and how does that make you feel?" really threw me off too lmao.

Im on the NHS waiting list, it was something like 14 months when I was put on it, I guess something like 9 months ago. I'm gonna wait and give that a go since I can't justify the cost of private therapy when I couldn't even find someone I connected with. But I WISH they would've told me the length of the waiting list before the 'application' process, I spent an hour on the phone to (actually a very nice) dude going through a load of the shit that's on my mind, then at the very end of it find out I 'passed' and can enter the waiting list. When I heard 14 months… especially after just digging up the past for the last hour… fff it was hard to hear. That said I'm still here, I guess.

Feel free to ramble to me any time. It's both weird and freeing to talk about this stuff openly, I really hope OFCOM don't make it too difficult to keep accessing this site

 

[deathxo]

My first thoughts when I open my eyes are usually along the lines of "ah fuck, another day to get through." "May aswell just go back to sleep" etc. I wish the thoughts had an off button.

Are you me?

One of the reasons I wish for death is just so I'd finally have some peace and quiet inside my skull. My mind chatter has literally drained me and pushed me to the point of wanting to end it all. I'm so tired of dealing with my own thoughts, this insanity of thinking a thought and then instantly seperating myself from it and then judging it? like wtf are you doing brain!?

I have always found comfort in escapism, creating this fantasy reality that I can run off to in my head because I can't deal with the here and now.
Wanting to run away from my house & everybody I know, in this way I feel wanting to CTB was just the natural progression. The ultimate escape.

For some reason I couldn't access the photo you shared,would've loved to see the spot!

 

[Kore]

For some reason I couldn't access the photo you shared,would've loved to see the spot!

I don't have time to reply properly just now, but let me try to repost the pic..

Spoiler: Pic

Nothing special about the pic, it was just a peaceful place

 

[deathxo]

Damn! Wish I had such peaceful looking places around where I live. the sheep, the sky *chef's kiss*

Then suddenly I'm thinking about how even beauty is meaningless and that I'm so pathetic I need to find a space away from all humans just to feel calm

Ah, I relate to this train of thought.
Sadly every sensation is so momentary, us trying to prolong any sensation just makes it all the more elusive.
And honestly man, nothing pathetic about wanting to look for some peace in this crazy ass world.

I don't have time to reply properly just now, but let me try to repost the pic..

Thanks for the photo, & thanks for the thread too I got to ramble on a lil too.

 

[asleep00]

I have severe ocd so I constantly get intrusive thoughts. I get ya it's literally the worst. It's actually why I want to ctb, I feel like no matter how much I try to improve there's always a chance of ocd relapse. Living life being attacked by your own brain is not fun.

 

[Kit1]

Does it feel.like we are so hard on ourselves - judging ourselves, self criticisms, questioning thy selves and just feeling horrible? Somehow we need to learn to be kind to ourselves and to live and respect ourselves - and let the world continue with the judgements etc..,

Ayy I'm not alone!
I'm really sorry to hear all that you've gone through, though it shows a certain strength of character that you've managed to get as far as you have. I can only offer you my highest respect.

I have tried therapy in the past, but didn't find someone I connected with, and I have this really tough mental block for trying to forget the fact that im paying someone to listen to my troubles. It feels… forced/fake, idk how to describe it. The "and how does that make you feel?" really threw me off too lmao.

Im on the NHS waiting list, it was something like 14 months when I was put on it, I guess something like 9 months ago. I'm gonna wait and give that a go since I can't justify the cost of private therapy when I couldn't even find someone I connected with. But I WISH they would've told me the length of the waiting list before the 'application' process, I spent an hour on the phone to (actually a very nice) dude going through a load of the shit that's on my mind, then at the very end of it find out I 'passed' and can enter the waiting list. When I heard 14 months… especially after just digging up the past for the last hour… fff it was hard to hear. That said I'm still here, I guess.

Feel free to ramble to me any time. It's both weird and freeing to talk about this stuff openly, I really hope OFCOM don't make it too difficult to keep accessing this site

Kore, totally get what you meaning about you feel when therapist says - "how does that make you feel" - sometimes that question still leaves me speechless!!!

Good Luck with the therapy when it happens - hopefully it helps you.