Venting knowing i'll never be happy

[ToastInTheShell]

I'm so so ugly. I just look so gross it breaks my heart.

I'm trans but have such wide shoulders and jaw and waist that I know I'll never pass. My parents love to remind me about that.

I still live with them, and am likely to for a long time. My grades aren't good and I don't have the strength or the motivation to make them better. I'll be unhappy no matter what grades I end up getting; it just doesn't feel like it matters if the end result is the same.

It's not just them. Every day I see shit online and in person that makes me so scared and upset; the way I'd be treated if I ever came out. The shit I hear from people I consider friends is the shit everyone would be saying about me behind my back if I ever transitioned.

And that's the nicer end of the fucking spectrum. How long would I last outside without being harassed or assaulted or murdered?? I keep reading cases of attacks and killings and makes me feel so fucking hopeless. It feels like if I can't pass, which I DEFINATELY can't, then I'll either die alone with all my "loved ones" having abandoned me or be fucking murdered by a transphobic stranger.

If I die now, I minimise the suffering of the future. I won't suffer the pain of not passing, or of rejection, or comments and looks that people won't think I clock, or the fear of being murdered for being my fucking self, or the constant fucking dysphoria. I've been close but I'm never able to do it. I'm too scared. I know it's for the best, and I know that I WANT TO but I'm too weak to take the final step, and I feel so weak and stupid and honestly pathetic for not giving myself this out.

There is a cure to what I'm feeling but I don't have the courage to actually do anything about it.

I guess I'll just suffer until I'm finally ready to make it all stop.

 

[halleyscomet]

I get it to an extent, I'm actually nonbinary, but I don't tell anyone or go by my preferred pronouns/name because I'm so afraid of what could happen.

It's absolutely disgusting how trans people are getting treated. You shouldn't have to pass to get basic human rights, it's heartbreaking.

But alas this is how the world is, there is no real love or acceptance - society just picks and chooses who they want to like, and everyone else suffers the consequences.

I really do hope you find some people that love and accept you for your identity, no matter what you choose to do.

 

[clown_17]

I'm not trans so I don't know your situation exactly, but I can relate to being in a hopeless situation and yet being too scared to CTB. It's a horrible situation and it can breed a lot of self hatred. I wish there were easier ways to CTB that weren't hard to access. We deserve a peaceful exit

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Whatever you feel you are inside, your body was made as it was. When I go through times of not accepting mine, the Clarissa Pinkola Estes book 'The Joyous Body' is a great go-to. It frames the body as a thankless companion, put through the wringer yet somehow never giving up on us.

Many people question 'trans' because of the baiting extremists on both sides but I believe most people just want a quiet life and wouldn't honestly care how you lived yours if it didn't bother them. There are more good people in the world than bad ones.

 

[born_borken]

I am sorry for what you endure. I can't relate exactly, but it seems really hard and nobody should live in fear for being themselves.
And your parents seems very harsh with you. Please don't believe them. People comes in all shapes, colors, gender identities, and that doesn't define their value nor their attractiveness.
But right now you are probably far away from the people who will love you as you are and you can't imagine they exist. They do !
There are a lot of people in this world who won't judge you or harass you for being yourself. More than that : They will love you as you are, and see value where others see weirdness. And even the very people you feel will reject you may understand with time - and if they don't, you really aren't at fault. There are safe place where you can share honestly and receive and give love and support... Maybe you could even one day move to a city that is smarter about gender ?

I don't want to sound dismissive of what you feel and I am sorry if it feels like I am. All of this may seems cheesy and easy to say... And probably do nothing for the way you feel NOW. And it may be too much to endure, you are the only one who knows. I just want you to know there IS hope for you to have a sweet life, to find your place in this world. You deserve to be loved and safe rather than in your situation, and I hope you'll find a way.