So a few days back, I made a thread about asking how lethal Tylenol is. My main aim is to find a method which takes a bit of time to kill me, mostly because I know that the sudden shock of finding my dead body will be too big of a blow for my family. I don't really care about how painful the method is, as long as it's long enough that my parents can inform my extended family of my rapidly deteriorating health so that they have all the support they need when the time does come.
Anyways with that said this is my story:
Anyways with that said this is my story:
So let me get this out of the way first; I'm not sick or poor or in any immediate (or non immediate) financial or health trouble. If anything I'm young (mid twenties), perfectly fit and have a good source of income and my family is quite well off too. So all is bright and sunny in Yolo-town.
With that said, I have been thinking about killing myself very strongly for the past three years at least, and mildly for almost eight-nine years. One of my oldest friends told me quite a few years back to tell them if I ever decide to kill myself, that I should tell them.
Honestly, I don't even know where to begin and to be perfectly honest with you, I don't even know where to begin. My head is like this jumbled mess of strings where you can't even tell where one thread begins and the other ends.
I will tell you one of the driving forces behind my urge to suicide because that seems like a very good place to start; I feel or believe (take your pick) that I have reached the best phase of my life and that's it all downhill from here. Also, I feel or believe (take your pick) like I'm definitely not qualified for the work I am doing and I know that's a classical case of Impostor Syndrome, which it might have been except for the small fact that my work ethics suck and I don't really know the ABC of the work I'm doing. I wouldn't hire me, and that's saying something.
Now I can probably mention a few other childhood stuff that has left a very big impression on me, and that's perhaps also partially responsible for the way I am right now, but ehh, what's past is in the past. I have complained about those things so much that at this stage, even I'm tired of hearing (or in this case typing) it out once more.
The first time I tried suicide was March 2017. It was more of a cry for help because I told a friend on phone that I think I will suicide, told my long term friend (who had me promise that I will them) and had a noose all deadman knotted and hanged. But at the end of it, I got cold feet and I confided in one of my sibling and just slept it off. On a fun note that suicide wasn't spur of the moment too. I had procured the rope for it back in November 2016 and promised myself to wait unit March for various reasons.
Anyways, this was the first serious attempt, or lack of depending on how you look at it. Otherwise once when I was quite young, I tried to cut my wrist with a screwdriver but didn't even come close. It was more of a child tantrum then anything; I was a rather bratty moody angsty kid.
Moving on, there is one more incident I will like to share; not a time when I tried to suicide but interested in its own accord. I had gone for river rafting in June 2017 and while rafting, there is a point where there is a sort of mini cliff, 15 ft - 20 ft high from where people jump down in the river. So I was high on the excitement and I went up the cliff to jump down. And as soon as I reached the top, I got stiff and scared because about 2 years back, I had almost drowned so I was kinda scared. So I gingerly walked to the edge, looked down and almost shat in my pants. But you know what gave me the strength to jump. A simple thought. That if I was scared of jumping down from here, how would I even kill myself. And that was all the strength I needed (and someone to count me down for the jump)
Then there were multiple mini suicide planning episodes but nothing too serious. Thinking about suicide and killing myself is sort of a normal for me for better or for worse.
At once, I had planned to kill myself again in March 2018 but I kinda weaselled myself out of it. The best thing about stuff you promise yourself is that you know all the hidden loopholes.
Anyways, we are here now. Me writing this post. Me sure about everything. Me content.
I'm thinking about doing a Tylenol overdose. I know it will be painful and I know I will be miserable for the last few days of my life. But it will be worth it.
Before I had planned on either doing Partial suspension (which I had tried a couple times and just about perfected the art) or Inert Gas Asphyxiation using either Helium or Nitrogen. But I really don't want to go that way because I know, seeing my dead body will break my family. I plan on leaving lots of notes, voice messages and automated notes that will be delivered on set dates but still, the sudden pain will be a lot for them to bear. And I don't want them to put through it, not to mention the societal shame of one of the family member killing themselves.
So Tylenol overdose while extremely painful for me, will give my family enough time and support from my extended family that they will have a shoulder to cry on. I can bear the pain because I will know the finality of it and it will also allow my family to come up with some weird disease name so that they don't have to live with the shame.
I plan on being extra sure with my dosage. I'm thinking about 22g-25g taken in a span of two hours to make sure that I don't have a chance of survival. I might take a few more gm just to be extra sure and I think that I'm strong enough that I won't utter a peep until I'm at the very last stage from where there is no backing down.
Of course, I might cry and panic and curse myself and everything that has brought me here. I might even regret everything but that will be just my brain, trying it's best to bully myself in staying alive. After all, a person will to survive is scary; we have evolved to survive as long as we can and to pass on our genetic code to the next generation so that our species continues.
Now I'm pretty sure many of you will tell me to go see a therapist and that it will get better and what I'm doing is a permanent solution to a temporary solution and that my family will be devastated if I kill myself.
All of these are perfectly true in their own way and yet completely false in another. If I go to a therapist, I might get better, I might not get better. If I do, I will probably be stuck with popping pills all my life (or a major part of it) to feel normal. I don't want that. You might also tell me about all the people who realised they didn't want to die as soon as they did the final act of killing themselves but there is a very strong survivorship bias there and also, of course your brain will convince you don't want to die when it realises that you are going to die. Survival instinct 101.
And to people who say I'm going through a temporary problem, I feel the opposite. And me and you can trade blows on the statement but I feel like the end result will be non conclusive. It feels permanent to me and to thousands of other people who have been here. Many of them are better and I'm glad for them. Maybe I would be better too, or maybe I would be worse. That's a bet I don't want to take.
And my family will be devastated at first but time will make it better. It will not fix the huge hole in their heart and mind but it will make the pain a little bit better. There is a saying, quit while you are ahead and for whatever reasons, I think I am very close (if not on) the highest phase of my life. And I would rather die a hero then live myself to become a villain.
Also, should I really continue doing something just to please others? Some of you might call me selfish, and rightly so. I'm selfish.
Also, to people who are going to say that if I'm going to kill myself, I should just do whatever the fuck I want because well, I'm going to kill myself. Well I have been following that philosophy for 2+ years now and honestly, getting kinda tired of it.
Anyways, I don't plan on becoming a hero or catching the bus anytime soon. I give myself anywhere between one month to three months, depending on how the circumstances unfold. I will obviously be searching for slow but sure lethal methods which are a tad bit less painful but I think I have found my poison.
PS: I did tell my one of oldest friends about my intention. No one else knows. One of my extended family member thinks that I will kill myself after Game of Thrones because that's what I told them a few years back when I thought that it will end in 2018 but no, D&D had to stretch it for one more year. Super salty and glad at the same time.
With that said, I have been thinking about killing myself very strongly for the past three years at least, and mildly for almost eight-nine years. One of my oldest friends told me quite a few years back to tell them if I ever decide to kill myself, that I should tell them.
Honestly, I don't even know where to begin and to be perfectly honest with you, I don't even know where to begin. My head is like this jumbled mess of strings where you can't even tell where one thread begins and the other ends.
I will tell you one of the driving forces behind my urge to suicide because that seems like a very good place to start; I feel or believe (take your pick) that I have reached the best phase of my life and that's it all downhill from here. Also, I feel or believe (take your pick) like I'm definitely not qualified for the work I am doing and I know that's a classical case of Impostor Syndrome, which it might have been except for the small fact that my work ethics suck and I don't really know the ABC of the work I'm doing. I wouldn't hire me, and that's saying something.
Now I can probably mention a few other childhood stuff that has left a very big impression on me, and that's perhaps also partially responsible for the way I am right now, but ehh, what's past is in the past. I have complained about those things so much that at this stage, even I'm tired of hearing (or in this case typing) it out once more.
The first time I tried suicide was March 2017. It was more of a cry for help because I told a friend on phone that I think I will suicide, told my long term friend (who had me promise that I will them) and had a noose all deadman knotted and hanged. But at the end of it, I got cold feet and I confided in one of my sibling and just slept it off. On a fun note that suicide wasn't spur of the moment too. I had procured the rope for it back in November 2016 and promised myself to wait unit March for various reasons.
Anyways, this was the first serious attempt, or lack of depending on how you look at it. Otherwise once when I was quite young, I tried to cut my wrist with a screwdriver but didn't even come close. It was more of a child tantrum then anything; I was a rather bratty moody angsty kid.
Moving on, there is one more incident I will like to share; not a time when I tried to suicide but interested in its own accord. I had gone for river rafting in June 2017 and while rafting, there is a point where there is a sort of mini cliff, 15 ft - 20 ft high from where people jump down in the river. So I was high on the excitement and I went up the cliff to jump down. And as soon as I reached the top, I got stiff and scared because about 2 years back, I had almost drowned so I was kinda scared. So I gingerly walked to the edge, looked down and almost shat in my pants. But you know what gave me the strength to jump. A simple thought. That if I was scared of jumping down from here, how would I even kill myself. And that was all the strength I needed (and someone to count me down for the jump)
Then there were multiple mini suicide planning episodes but nothing too serious. Thinking about suicide and killing myself is sort of a normal for me for better or for worse.
At once, I had planned to kill myself again in March 2018 but I kinda weaselled myself out of it. The best thing about stuff you promise yourself is that you know all the hidden loopholes.
Anyways, we are here now. Me writing this post. Me sure about everything. Me content.
I'm thinking about doing a Tylenol overdose. I know it will be painful and I know I will be miserable for the last few days of my life. But it will be worth it.
Before I had planned on either doing Partial suspension (which I had tried a couple times and just about perfected the art) or Inert Gas Asphyxiation using either Helium or Nitrogen. But I really don't want to go that way because I know, seeing my dead body will break my family. I plan on leaving lots of notes, voice messages and automated notes that will be delivered on set dates but still, the sudden pain will be a lot for them to bear. And I don't want them to put through it, not to mention the societal shame of one of the family member killing themselves.
So Tylenol overdose while extremely painful for me, will give my family enough time and support from my extended family that they will have a shoulder to cry on. I can bear the pain because I will know the finality of it and it will also allow my family to come up with some weird disease name so that they don't have to live with the shame.
I plan on being extra sure with my dosage. I'm thinking about 22g-25g taken in a span of two hours to make sure that I don't have a chance of survival. I might take a few more gm just to be extra sure and I think that I'm strong enough that I won't utter a peep until I'm at the very last stage from where there is no backing down.
Of course, I might cry and panic and curse myself and everything that has brought me here. I might even regret everything but that will be just my brain, trying it's best to bully myself in staying alive. After all, a person will to survive is scary; we have evolved to survive as long as we can and to pass on our genetic code to the next generation so that our species continues.
Now I'm pretty sure many of you will tell me to go see a therapist and that it will get better and what I'm doing is a permanent solution to a temporary solution and that my family will be devastated if I kill myself.
All of these are perfectly true in their own way and yet completely false in another. If I go to a therapist, I might get better, I might not get better. If I do, I will probably be stuck with popping pills all my life (or a major part of it) to feel normal. I don't want that. You might also tell me about all the people who realised they didn't want to die as soon as they did the final act of killing themselves but there is a very strong survivorship bias there and also, of course your brain will convince you don't want to die when it realises that you are going to die. Survival instinct 101.
And to people who say I'm going through a temporary problem, I feel the opposite. And me and you can trade blows on the statement but I feel like the end result will be non conclusive. It feels permanent to me and to thousands of other people who have been here. Many of them are better and I'm glad for them. Maybe I would be better too, or maybe I would be worse. That's a bet I don't want to take.
And my family will be devastated at first but time will make it better. It will not fix the huge hole in their heart and mind but it will make the pain a little bit better. There is a saying, quit while you are ahead and for whatever reasons, I think I am very close (if not on) the highest phase of my life. And I would rather die a hero then live myself to become a villain.
Also, should I really continue doing something just to please others? Some of you might call me selfish, and rightly so. I'm selfish.
Also, to people who are going to say that if I'm going to kill myself, I should just do whatever the fuck I want because well, I'm going to kill myself. Well I have been following that philosophy for 2+ years now and honestly, getting kinda tired of it.
Anyways, I don't plan on becoming a hero or catching the bus anytime soon. I give myself anywhere between one month to three months, depending on how the circumstances unfold. I will obviously be searching for slow but sure lethal methods which are a tad bit less painful but I think I have found my poison.
PS: I did tell my one of oldest friends about my intention. No one else knows. One of my extended family member thinks that I will kill myself after Game of Thrones because that's what I told them a few years back when I thought that it will end in 2018 but no, D&D had to stretch it for one more year. Super salty and glad at the same time.
