killmesoftly
Member
- Oct 15, 2024
- 23
I hate my life, today was so fucking horrible. It's such a long story as to why everything is so fucked up for me and why I want to ctb and my autistic + adhd brain doesn't help me in being able to explain coherently but I desperately need to vent and hopefully, just hopefully have someone listen and understand. I don't have the energy to start from the beginning so I'll tell more backstory eventually so things make more sense, but for now I just need to vent about what I can manage to get out even if its incoherent.
My ex came back from their trip to europe yesterday and showed up at my door out of nowhere. The last time we spoke was a month ago, when they had already been away in europe for a month, and I was really suicidal because I had lost my job almost as soon as they left, and it had been a month of laying in bed sobbing every day trying to sleep the days away all alone. They had also lost their passport when they first got to where they were going, (where they plan to move to in a few years anyway, which was a point of contention in our relationship bc what was the point if they're set on moving to another continent whether I'm coming or not?) and said (so casually) that they might just move there now instead of coming back. That crushed me and made me feel so temporary and unimportant in their life. Then despite knowing how bad I was doing, they decided to extend their trip for another month because they experience a lot of racism in the city we live in and it makes them hate their life. I couldn't blame them but our relationship was already so, so tumultous and I couldn't deal with missing them, waiting for them to come back for a whole other month. I have strong abandonment issues and trauma so I couldn't take it. It really triggered me and I attempted and they were too preoccupied with their partying in europe to even be of any support. So I cut things off explaining that I need people who are here and consistent and they understood. Then yesterday they show up saying they miss me so much and can't stop thinking about me and wanted to make sure I'm okay. I was so stupid and talked to them and told them I miss them too but I'm really not doing well still. We chatted about their trip for a bit, ordered dinner. Then they tell me they're moving back in January. Crushed my heart all over again. We fought, they left and I was sobbing and screaming into my pillow, just in so much fucking pain. Today we spoke over text and they said they want to be here for me even if i CTB soon. I told them I can't imagine doing that to someone, bringing them back into my life just so my last months aren't so lonely just to CTB in a few months. And that if by some miracle I find the will to keep going, them leaving in January will crush me to fucking pieces, they're all I have in this city, my only friend and family live across the country. I don't know what to do. I told them I want them to really think about the choice to be here for me in my final days as I don't want to traumatize them when I'm gone and to get back to me once they've thought it over bc they kept insisting they were okay with it and just want to be here for me but I don't trust it. I also don't want to be crushed bc I know being with them is the only thing that makes me want to live, and if I get attached again and used to spending time together, when they move I know I'll CTB. Anyways, this is a gd novel at this point so I'm sorry. If anyone read all this and has any advice on if I should just give up on them or not I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm destined to CTB either way so idk if it matters.
i'm so distressed can someone please talk to me
My ex came back from their trip to europe yesterday and showed up at my door out of nowhere. The last time we spoke was a month ago, when they had already been away in europe for a month, and I was really suicidal because I had lost my job almost as soon as they left, and it had been a month of laying in bed sobbing every day trying to sleep the days away all alone. They had also lost their passport when they first got to where they were going, (where they plan to move to in a few years anyway, which was a point of contention in our relationship bc what was the point if they're set on moving to another continent whether I'm coming or not?) and said (so casually) that they might just move there now instead of coming back. That crushed me and made me feel so temporary and unimportant in their life. Then despite knowing how bad I was doing, they decided to extend their trip for another month because they experience a lot of racism in the city we live in and it makes them hate their life. I couldn't blame them but our relationship was already so, so tumultous and I couldn't deal with missing them, waiting for them to come back for a whole other month. I have strong abandonment issues and trauma so I couldn't take it. It really triggered me and I attempted and they were too preoccupied with their partying in europe to even be of any support. So I cut things off explaining that I need people who are here and consistent and they understood. Then yesterday they show up saying they miss me so much and can't stop thinking about me and wanted to make sure I'm okay. I was so stupid and talked to them and told them I miss them too but I'm really not doing well still. We chatted about their trip for a bit, ordered dinner. Then they tell me they're moving back in January. Crushed my heart all over again. We fought, they left and I was sobbing and screaming into my pillow, just in so much fucking pain. Today we spoke over text and they said they want to be here for me even if i CTB soon. I told them I can't imagine doing that to someone, bringing them back into my life just so my last months aren't so lonely just to CTB in a few months. And that if by some miracle I find the will to keep going, them leaving in January will crush me to fucking pieces, they're all I have in this city, my only friend and family live across the country. I don't know what to do. I told them I want them to really think about the choice to be here for me in my final days as I don't want to traumatize them when I'm gone and to get back to me once they've thought it over bc they kept insisting they were okay with it and just want to be here for me but I don't trust it. I also don't want to be crushed bc I know being with them is the only thing that makes me want to live, and if I get attached again and used to spending time together, when they move I know I'll CTB. Anyways, this is a gd novel at this point so I'm sorry. If anyone read all this and has any advice on if I should just give up on them or not I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm destined to CTB either way so idk if it matters.
i'm so distressed can someone please talk to me
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