Killing myself this morning

[Xe-]

I'm probably gonna kill myself this morning. Couldn't sleep, I guess blame it on that. If I am active later today then I didn't ctb.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

GM! May I ask, what's your method? What happened?

 

[Xe-]

Nope!

 

[Dot]

I'm probably gonna kill myself this morning. Couldn't sleep, I guess blame it on that. If I am active later today then I didn't ctb.

= obvsly ur decsn bt nt sleepng cmes acrss as rathr impulsve reasn

 

[Heavy Rain]

Does sound a bit impulsive
You could try and get some sleep if you can, and see how you feel afterwards
If you have work, I would say you have a legitimate reason to call in sick
Get some rest

 

[Xe-]

One doesn't kill themselves over one small obstacle. It takes time, persistence, and a series of unfortunate events over time.

 

[Sethy]

We can talk about it first if you need, don't do anything stupid before u r sure what u doing

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best.

 

[Xe-]

Update, it's 3:54 pm. I went to the store to buy a few things to try. I am going with the night night method. I have bought tape and corn hole bags.

I just joined less than a week ago and I had a few ways I wanted to go. I don't like the idea of leaving my bodily remains behind, but I have decided every method I have thought about is too hard except for this method. I wanted to find a tall building to jump and I wanted to do swb, but the thought of the pain is too painful itself. I wanted to walk the local tracks but I have such a low will to live that it even means I can not use willpower to walk far enough for a fast train on top of waiting for a train to come fast enough. I walked to the tracks last night. I gave up because all I wanted to do was pass out on the wet grass to leave my body. I wanted to try a helium method but I didn't want to wait for my last paycheck. Initially the whole process for nearly everything was to wasteful or too painful in my perspective.
I haven't done anything yet. I cleaned the house so whoever is responsible doesn't have a lot to do. I threw my food away. I haven't eaten all day. I don't want to. I'm going to have a good night while listening to Bob Seger.

 

[Xe-]

7:12 pm, I am waiting for the day to die down. I have been afraid all day. I'm just moving by with a blank space in my mind so I don't need to think about it too much. I do not have family, and I am alone. I lost custody of my 3 children 3 years ago when I became homeless. I now since have gotten into a more stable place. I have not seen my youngest since he was 2. He is now 5. I have not seen my middle son since 1 year ago. I only got to FaceTime him for 30 minutes in the early part of this year. He is 8. My oldest son turned 10 yesterday. I have not seen him in 2 years. I didn't know how to get out of homelessness for almost 2 years off and on traveling across the country to prevent killing myself because of losing my children due to the homelessness. I wasn't couch surfing. I had no one for support. I was living on the sidewalk in a tent by myself while waiting to get into a homeless shelter. My mother wanted me on crazy meds and I said no, so she stopped all contact with me and blames drug use for my irresponsible behavior and homelessness. I was not dependant on any drug. I was clean then and my system is clean for everything but thc. I don't drink. I don't take meds. I don't want the meds I am prescribed. I can't keep order in my head to remember to make appointments for a therapist either way. I have a lot more going on in my life. I'm doing my best to juggle everything I have a list for, including saving to afford multiple attorneys to reinstate my custodial rights. I have thought about the situation in my life and the act of suicide for 2 years. I am serious about it and I never wanted my life to come to this. I have made my decision to commit and I have decided to no-deal at life. I know I will seem selfish, but the emotional turmoil I go through every sleeping and waking moment is not worth staying in pain every day. I know it won't get better. I have decided in the past I would ctb when my children would turn into adult age, but my willpower to live is gone. If I don't kill myself I am going back into homelessness because I have quit all aspiration in life. I have no one. Not a pet, not a coworker, not even the Lyft driver. I have always been alone and disowned for one reason or another.
I've never had accomplishment. I was kicked out and moved around my 18th birthday and I only finished 7th grade properly. I do have 3 children. I love them more than anything. It's better if they didn't know me at this point. Everyone says it to me and thinks it, everyone who is important in my life I meant. This is not new but ongoing family drama since childhood. My children need a stable life with someone who can provide a child's needs, at least that is what I think and I can not provide to take care of them. I cause too much emotional damage to them. My mother says it. The fathers' say it. Everyone said I'm the problem. I'm leaving this world. What is the meaning of life? Human connection is the meaning of life, but human connection has never been truthful to me.