Story Kids, Divorce, Job, Debt... No Future

[AloneSoAlone]

Hi, I have been lurking on this site for ages now and seen how much people help each other so wanted to reach out...

I feel like I can't go on any more. Everything in my life is out of (my) control - the only thing I have any control over is whether I stay on this planet or not. There is a LOT in my story that has brought me to this position (Like everyone here I guess!) And nothing is ever really simple or straight forwards and I don't know really where to start so just wanted to give a summary of "where I'm at"...

Basically am here because of a broken heart and loneliness that I just can't cope with any more:

I'm a Dad 47 (two kids, 8 and 12).
Separated 22 months ago - forced to leave Family home by wife's (false) accusations.
Not really happy marriage for the last few years in any case - functional, for the kids mainly...
See the kids sporadically - when 'she' thinks it's OK. Need petition court for a formal arrangement but don't have the resources to do that any more (40k in debt).
Seem to have lost all friends as they were all mutual friends (we were at Uni together) - have literally spent weeks on my own with no human contact (especially when out of work...) Lock-down hasn't really affected me as been living that kinda life for the past few years in any case...
Lost job 4 years ago (after 15 years of service) Unemployed for 3 years (Was looking after daughter's rehab after she had some major surgeries, 1st was within 2 months after losing my job, and also just wanting bit time out after being burnt out from 20 yrs solid full time working). Wife works part time and one of the things she said in court was that I restricted her 'freedom' when I lost my job and was home a lot! I used to drop-off and pick-up kids from school everyday (rather than use childminder that we used previously on days we were both working.) My wife (...sorry i should say ex really even tho'we not legally divorced as yet - she has all the paperwork she needs to complete the divorce but won't until she's got the financial settlement she wants - which is pretty much everything, 80/20 split at best for me, she designated herself the kids primary carer and secured the house for herself and the kids that way - her sister-in-law is a barrister and best friend a solicitor and I think she's been coached right from the very start (even before!) My ex told me that she won't complete the divorce until financial settlement is completed as "if something were to happen to me then she's get everything as a spouse then" so she's playing her hand very well.) She is very clever and manipulative and has engineered a situation literally where she's got everything, basically I've just been 'surgically removed' from her and my kids lives - she has a new partner (...had suspected for a while even when we were 'together'!)
Found it hard getting another job, literally 1000's applications, handful of interviews, fortunate one old contact helped me secure a job at the start of this year - but realised that I am so far out of my depth with it that I probably won't be there for much longer.
Can't eat, sleep properly for years now or function anywhere near 'normality' - it's been a slow spiral of decline that I just can't handle now. I Just don't have the strength or energy or will power any more...
Have been on multiple variations of antidepressants from Dr (knows whole situation) - but nothing has ever really helped. I might not have been the happiest person in the world before but I don't think I was really depressed as such, unhappy a lot of the time maybe but not depressed. My depression is from my situation and no pill will 'cure' that. Same with therapy and talking, CBT, etc. - have tried ALL that and nothing has ever really helped - I just miss my Family too much and have never really been able to get over the breakup...

I want to see the kids grow-up and see how their lives develop. I wanted to be their "guide" but have already been removed from that role for the past 22 months and I just can't carry on not being with them. Any times I've had with them has been an utter joy but it also makes each time I have to "give them back" - my ex has always used them as a 'possession' rather than them being their own individuals! She's always referred to them as "my kids" not ours. Every time they are with me we have as much fun as we can, I've got Monopoly and a deck of cards that we play. Even they have all their 'gadgets' and literally 100's of toys that "we" brought them over the years at "home" I still manage to have a good time with them and I think they do too BUT that makes it so much harder for me when I'm NOT with them (which is the majority of the time) as I know the sheer joy i could be having if I was able to be with them. Kids have been influenced a lot since they have been under her sole 'command' for nearly the last 2 years - so in a way feel like I've lost them already. I worry about any affect now and in the future I would have on the kids should I "do something"...

However, living the daily pain (emotional) that I'm in seems to have finally reached a point where I feel I can't carry on any more. I tried to take my life thru physically means early this year after lock-down started but wasn't brave enough to complete it. I have been researching more peaceful methods which brought me to this site and I have read a lot of the threads and feel that I could "go out" with one of those methods...

I just don't see any future any more. I will never have my Family (...I've tried to reach out to my own Family but apart from being at the end of WhatsApp there's not much anyone can do as they are all too far away from me - I'm literally on my own!) Will never be able to pay off debts - am scared that if I lose this job that I will end up on the streets - I have no idea how any people survive out there. I used to help at a homeless canteen once a month (before when my life was "good") and heard so many horrific stories about their lives and situations that brought them there and I can see that I'm on that slope now! Feel like my kids would be better off without me as their mum's already painted me out as a "Deadbeat Dad" - feel like I Literally have nothing to live for any more. The monotonousness of existence without a purpose (my 'purpose' was to be there for my kids) seems futile. That's just it I'm "existing" now and lot "living" if that makes sense?? I have told the few friends (that I still have on WhatsApp) that I've though about taking my life and had the "don't be selfish" "you've got kids" comments. I personally think anyone making this sort of decision is the bravest person in the world...

I feel so lost and so scared right now. Sorry I didn't realise this would be so long if you are still reading it then thank you for taking an interest.

 

[AloneSoAlone]

Sorry I got so lost in my thoughts there (brain is really not working properly) I forgot to ask the main question I wanted to ask:

Is it wrong/selfish to ctb if you have kids (especially young kids)?

 

[I screwed up]

@AloneSoAlone I feel for u .. I m in a similar boat and can relate to ur situation .

 

[whywere]

WELCOME to our global family here at sanctioned suicide! so lets look at your question. Now everyone on this site will have their own ideas, which is great!, a billion minds make helping each other out easier. Now your question, in my point of view maybe. Now when I was growing up my "parents" always called me the "mistake" , I was the product of too my drinking and they did not want any more kids, have a older brother. It messed me up my entire life, I am 64 years young. Now since you said that when you have your kids that you have a blast with them and vice versa, I would hope as they get older that they think for themselves and really want to get to be with their birth father. Now only you can decide that, is it wrong?, BUT ctb has NO second chances and what will the future hold for your 2 children, you have to be thee for/with them to find that out. All the love and peace in the world to you from me. You are part of our global family and I do care for you.

 

[AloneSoAlone]

@AloneSoAlone I feel for u .. I m in a similar boat and can relate to ur situation .

I'm sorry that anyone has to go thru this. Are you coping OK @I screwed up ?

I just re-read what I wrote and saw that I went round in so many circles. Things are just so hard at the moment. I found this article that explains my situation (and sadly probably a lot of the divorced Dad's here) in a much better way than I have above...

Suicide after Divorce: 17 Reasons Why Men Give Up On Life

Suicide after Divorce: The 17 reasons why men are more at risk. Learn why a man gives up on life and how to help him survive loss of marriage

hashimashi.com

As with a lot of these articles it ends with the likes of "Your life will change, but that does not mean that your life has to end" - but I have been battling for nearly 2 years to make a positive change and nothing, literally nothing has got any better. Thought getting a job would be the 'game changer' but even that's turned into a living nightmare as I'm so stressed at not being able to do the job properly.

What is the point of life if everyone just wants to sh!t on you all the time??

 

[Dreamless Sleep]

Welcome... and sorry you're going through this. Divorce is hell.

Imo it sounds like you want to be there for your kids, but you feel defeated. I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't give in to assholes.... and sorry but it sounds like your ex is being one. If you love your kids why dont you fight for them? You are their dad and they deserve to have their dad in their life! If you give up you're giving her what she wants and the kids are the only real losers.

 

[AloneSoAlone]

WELCOME to our global family here at sanctioned suicide! so lets look at your question. Now everyone on this site will have their own ideas, which is great!, a billion minds make helping each other out easier. Now your question, in my point of view maybe. Now when I was growing up my "parents" always called me the "mistake" , I was the product of too my drinking and they did not want any more kids, have a older brother. It messed me up my entire life, I am 64 years young. Now since you said that when you have your kids that you have a blast with them and vice versa, I would hope as they get older that they think for themselves and really want to get to be with their birth father. Now only you can decide that, is it wrong?, BUT ctb has NO second chances and what will the future hold for your 2 children, you have to be thee for/with them to find that out. All the love and peace in the world to you from me. You are part of our global family and I do care for you.

Thank you so much @whywere - this is why it's so hard. Also why I am still here right now as I've battled thru so much mainly 'for the sake of the kids'! I'm not saying I'm giving up now but the pain, anguish, heartache when I am not with them is just too much (Is that being selfish?)

I have a similar young story to yours. I'm the youngest of 3 bros and there's a 5 (nearer 6) year gap between us. Obviously my parents were much older when they had me and though I think they loved me and even though we were quite poor/humble they looked after me as best they could and never really said anything but I always got the 'feeling' that I was unplanned / a "mistake" as you put it. The middle bro (who used to really bully me when we were kids) was always the 'favourite'.

I lost my mum about 9 years ago and seeing her deteriorate (she was diagnosed with dementia) and how my dad had to cope after their 50 years of marriage completely destroyed me (My daughter was born less than 2 months after my mum passed so there was so many emotions going on.) My dad is nearly 90 now and still going strong - how he manages it I don't know. But he's overseas now with extended Family and too far away from me. He lived with me (us) for nearly a year - 8 months s he could no longer manage on his own (while my Family was still intact!) but again my wife twisted that in court to say that I'd brought him to live with us to "spy" on her (he couldn't walk unaided and is partially deaf and blind with cataracts). We were both displaced from my home due to my wife's accusations and manipulation in court - that's when I had to get him to safety and with Family that could help him. We were fortunate that was available as I'm sure if he'd been with me these past 2 years he would not have survived. He's my rock and the only other reason (than my kids) why I haven't been able to ctb as yet. But like I said my will power is diminishing... fast!

I am so impressed that you've had the resolve to make it to 64 yrs young with the feelings you have alluded to. That is one tuff journey. I am sure you have had lots of ups and downs along the way. Do you mind if I ask if you have Family/kids of your own?

Yes ctb has NO second chances! That's why it is tearing me apart. The futility of life opposed to the thought of what will the future hold for my kids. I've read that suicide is more (statistically) common in families where there has been some history. It tore me apart in my 30's losing my mum to 'natural causes' so I hate to think what my young kids would think/feel if I did that to them now. Even though my Ex has been systematically erasing me and my side of the family from their lives for years (even when we were 'together' as it was all about her and her family as they lived overseas a 12 hour flight away we always made an effort to see them and they stayed with us for prolonged periods when they visited. However, even though my parents were only 100 miles away 2 hour drive we hardly saw them at all - I have so many regrets and living with those too is, I feel like impossible!)

My cousin took his life about 2 months after my son was born. I remember driving up for his funeral and thinking how could he do that (he is a dad to 4 beautiful kids, ages then were between 3 to 12). But I think I know now what he must have been going through and the reason he did what he did (...used a rope at home. Must have been horrific or him!) At his funeral there were literally 1000's of people there as he worked for a large company and they all turned up, in shock. He was always the joker and had a smile,... more like cheeky grin on his face. (Reminds me of Robin Williams and we know how his life ended too! One of the funniest men in the world with fame and fortune could not see any way to continue so what hope do I have??) They set up speakers outside the funeral so that the crowd could hear the service. I remember thinking that he has all these people in his life but still must have felt so alone to make his final decision. His widow moved back with her family far up north and my family lost contact with those kids through that (...they were having big marital issues too!) I fear this is what would happen to my kids as they are young as well and easily influenced by their mum. I would not get 1 person (let alone 1000s) at my funeral - so am also thinking to go during covid while there's some restrictions would be a good idea too (...is that crazy thinking??)

I've made so many mistakes in life and no hope that they won't keep happening in the future should I carry on. Sometimes I think that nearly reaching 50 is a 'good innings' and it would be OK to check out now. At least while I have some semblance of health and can make such a decision 'rationally'. God forbid anything like what happened to my mum (heart attack, dementia, stroke, paralysed and lot more) were to happen to me as there is literally no one who's 'got my back' any more. What's the point in taking the risk? My health hasn't been too good since I split as I'm finding it difficult looking after myself, eating on your own is horrible and some days I can go without eating for few days. I don't sleep for more than 2-4 hours in any stretch for the past 2 years - what kinda life is that? Before I fortunately had a new job I couldn't buy food and that was my 'excuse' for not eating but now even though I have food I still find it difficult to eat - how messed up is that?! It's when I think this is what my life has deteriorated into that I struggle with the will to carry on...

...surely having no dad is better than seeing your own dad literally disintegrate into nothingness. It was hard enough see my mum go thru it but my dad and I were there everyday for her and though even in the last few months of her life she was paralysed and couldn't speak I could see her pain in her eyes. I say it's the last thing I'd want to happen to me but last night I watched a BBC program about death - there was a man, Dad of 2 girls in a happy marriage, involved in a horrific motorcycle accident. Completely paralysed, ventilator the works. Initially his family were saying that his wishes would be that if he had no quality of life then he'd rather not be there (...apparently a friend of his previously had a motorcycle accident too and was in a similar condition and he'd had this conversation with his family at some point in the past!) Drs kept him alive and slowly he regained some consciousness. He could only committee by moving his eyes left and right. After months of care Drs eventually felt satisfied he had capacity to be asked if he wanted them to continue his care or let him die - he said (with his eyes) that he wanted to continue! I know there's been a lot of discussion about SI on SS and I have read so much about it. Experienced it when I tried to do something physically to myself earlier this year. That's why I'm so scared about NO second chances! It's the ultimate decision - as i think I said I firmly believe that anyone making such a decision is brave (and not selfish! Or is that just me trying to justify what I would do to my kids if I take that step?)

Sorry I feel so messed up. Thanks for your kind words and support - it really does mean a lot to me.

 

[AloneSoAlone]

Welcome... and sorry you're going through this. Divorce is hell.

Imo it sounds like you want to be there for your kids, but you feel defeated. I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't give in to assholes.... and sorry but it sounds like your ex is being one. If you love your kids why dont you fight for them? You are their dad and they deserve to have their dad in their life! If you give up you're giving her what she wants and the kids are the only real losers.

Thank you <@Dreamless Sleep> - you are right, she is being a complete and utter asshole. What I can't figure out is how can someone you loved so deeply turn around and do that to someone else, let a lone someone you thought they loved too!?? I've had my few friends say to me "...you're better off without her" etc and I probably am but it's the loss of my "Family" that is killing me and she was part of that. I'm not an abusive person, don't drink, smoke or take drugs, ALL i wanted to be was be there for my Family. I guess to some extent I am a bit boring and that's what she's said about me, I didn't "excite" her any more (...we were married just over 16 years when we split - would have been our 18 year anniversary just recently).

I have fought 'till now for my kids but have lost so much energy and will power over these past few years without them. Literally being battered down at each moment. I don't want to give up, especially for them but then I don't want to carry on with this living hell either. I've tried to change what I can but nothing has worked to make anything better. I'm not good enough for this world I feel. Had I had any idea of this then there is no way that I would have helped bring new life into this cruel world - but I was young/naive then and it was my ex who really wanted to start a family (bio clock I guess!) I wanted to have kids too but was concerned if I/we would/could be good parents. The rest as they say is history...

Do the kids deserve to have a Deadbeat Dad in their lives tho'?? That's what I'm battling with my thoughts with right now and for the pat 2 years and it's tearing me apart :-( When I had the structure of a Family, home, job, etc. I think I was a good Dad and the kind of Dad I wanted to be, used to play tennis with my son every week, used to take a half day off work every week so that I could take my daughter for hydrotherapy as part of her treatments. But now I can't be that Dad as my life has fully disintegrated into nothingness. I can't see hope and that's when I keep coming back to ctb! I tried (physically) before the sheer terror and SI that kicked in totally freaked me out. It's been a good few months since and as things have progressively only gotten worse since then each and every day I feel that I might be able to overcome that fear now (...as the fear of carrying on is much greater now!) and also through the kind help that's available I think I could go through with a non-violent way of ending things. I am an utter chicken and fear pain so much but think I could deal with a few mins of pain/uncomfortable if it meant ultimate peace and an end to the ongoing hell i feel like I'm living thru. You're right I don't wanna go, I want to be there for my kids but only not like this and I don't know how to change any of that.

Thanks for your kind words and support. I wish you some pleasant dreams in your sleep.

 

[AloneSoAlone]

...my ex told me after my daughter was born (...we were having a blazing argument at the time) that she was not my daughter! It completely crushed my world. However, I genuinely don't believe that is the case (...my daughter looks and reminds me so much of my own Mum who I had just lost!) I think my wife was just trying to hurt me. (I think this as i didn't want to have any more kids after our son was born as we'd already started on a rocky marital path. My wife desperately wanted a girl but I didn't think having ANY further children would have been a good idea. When I had to move out of the Family home 2 years ago I found a whole set of ovulation kits all dated before my daughter was born. As we'd slipped more into a functional marriage by that time I think I know the exact day my daughter was conceived as again we'd had a blazing row and my wife wanted to 'make up' in a special way, without using a condom as she said she's just had her cycle and "it" would not be a "risk"! Now i believe I was manipulated into fathering another child. Don't get me wrong I Love my daughter (and son!) more than anything in this world (along with my Dad) but this is all part of the internal trauma I live with every day....)

When I eventually told my Dad and oldest brother about a potential paternity issue they said to get a paternity test done and to divorce her immediately. I was too scared to do either. Like i said I do firmly believe that my daughter is mine and whatever the case I Love her beyond measure. Am just reading a lot of the "ctb when you've got kids threads". The general consensus seems to be that it's not a good idea with the trauma that you'll impart on them/kids - I know this! But what do you do when your daily pain is soo much that you just can't handle it any more??

I just tried to spk to my kids but was told that they were too busy to spk to me. I've well and truly lost everything that was dear to me and have little to nothing left - is it OK to ctb???

 

[Cherrypea]

My 8 year old is holding me back, I'm her mum. If I was just in her life part time and I knew she'd be well supported I wouldn't be here.

 

[TheQ22]

Your story is almost a carbon copy of mine, except my kids are a bit older than yours.

Your ex sounds just like mine, she was horrific to live with, but when I finally said that's it, we're done she immediately contacted everyone we knew to tell them she'd left me because I was abusive. I should have known really.

She tried also to use the kids, but son wanted to live with me, daughter wouldn't even speak to me for over 2 years, which was really hard, but now she's made contact and we're okay again, I'm sure the same will happen with yours in time - they can tell the kids all kinds of stories of how they are great and you're bad, and they are the victim, but slowly and surely the kids willsee through that lie when the ex continues in their own selfish ways - they can't help themselves, it's who they are.

And kids aint stoopid.

Good luck my friend, I know it isn't easy, my moods change daily sometimes, for me if I can get my income nailed down at least it gives me a foundation to build on.

 

[AloneSoAlone]

My 8 year old is holding me back, I'm her mum. If I was just in her life part time and I knew she'd be well supported I wouldn't be here.

@Cherrypea I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you and your daughter are well and supporting each other. Are you looking after her full time? That must be so hard with your internal thoughts as they might be...

Sorry I've never posted before but I feel much better for having done so. I've read threads over 200 pages long on SS and think that can do your head in quite a bit too as you see and read of so many other people's anguishes too that you wander what the kinda hell this world is coming to!??

I've posted a few more comments on this thread (...i guess this is a bit like therapy for me but it already feels much better than when I was actually spking directly to a therapist a year ago!!) But these are coming up with " This message is awaiting moderator approval, and is invisible to normal visitors" so I don't think they're visible as yet. These might go some further way to explaining why I am in the state that I am in. Hope I've not done/said anything wrong in them?!

I have life insurance and would want my current 50% (...as we're still legally married) assets to ALL go into my kids names. I think they'd be well supported then. My Ex is already replacing me as their father figure with her new partner so i don't see what else I have to live for right now.

It must be so hard as a mum to be going thru these thoughts as well. Being a Dad and Loving the kids so much I can only imagine what it must be like for mum who has to carry the kids and give birth to a new tiny person - I know with my own mum that bond was so strong (..and dad too but I hope you know what I mean?) However, if there is trauma there then that will affect that relationship too - so it better to maintain that relationship or 'end it'??

Thank you for sharing your journey with me.

 

[Cherrypea]

I have a partner and an adult child as well. I know they all love me but I resent them for holding me back. I tried to bury and deny my depression and anxiety / OCD and be a normal person hence the kids but it didn't work sadly and I'm back where I started.
It does help sharing and I've found out that what goes on in my head isn't unique, we are all struggling and suffering on here.

 

[TheQ22]

@Cherrypea I have life insurance and would want my current 50% (...as we're still legally married) assets to ALL go into my kids names. I think they'd be well supported then. My Ex is already replacing me as their father figure with her new partner so i don't see what else I have to live for right now.

I've written in my will for any assets to be put into a trust in the kids names (there won't be much money haha if any unless the insurance policy pays out), and they can't have it til they're 25.

In that way it doesn't go to them, then mother guilts them into handing it over with emotional blackmail.

 

[Smudgedlines]

I too am alone. I am a mum of 4. My youngest are who keep me here. Older two have flown the neat. I don't have any friends, my ex saw them off. But I am okay with that. I have had to learn to deal with that.
I can imagine how you are feeling on your side, being shut out by a manipulative ex, and removing the contact with the kids that might help you....However your kids will grow up and see the truth. I'm not trying to influence your decision but maybe it's a bit too early to make such a final decision yet. Here to chat. You sound like you are in the UK too.

 

[TheQ22]

I too am alone. I am a mum of 4. My youngest are who keep me here. Older two have flown the neat. I don't have any friends, my ex saw them off. But I am okay with that. I have had to learn to deal with that.
I can imagine how you are feeling on your side, being shut out by a manipulative ex, and removing the contact with the kids that might help you....However your kids will grow up and see the truth. I'm not trying to influence your decision but maybe it's a bit too early to make such a final decision yet. Here to chat. You sound like you are in the UK too.

That's what my family told me - the daughter would come around as she got older and could think more clearly about what really happened, and it's true that is what happens.

Hope you're okay, it can be hard at times. Nice photo in your avatar, I live near the countryside I love going for walks in nature.

 

[Smudgedlines]

That's what my family told me - the daughter would come around as she got older and could think more clearly about what really happened, and it's true that is what happens.

Hope you're okay, it can be hard at times. Nice photo in your avatar, I live near the countryside I love going for walks in nature.

Me too. It's one of the things I've learned to love as part of being alone.. the peace of it. I've decided to try to get busy living and keep the bus catching on the back burner for a while. I don't have to live this life forever

 

[SadGuyWannaDie]

@AloneSoAlone Your story hit really close to me because even with all the differences we have the core similarity of loss of family is so familiar. I was only with mine for 6 years but she was my best friend for 25. She had a new man living there the day after I was kicked out. Like I never existed the discard and replacement feeling is really agonizing especially if you still love them at the end despite of all they put you through and they don't love you. I sense your a really caring father because your so worried about being one and that's a sure sign of someone who desires to be a good one. I thought I could just drive myself harder to overcome the ugly split to get back to the kids. But the little girl we had together died of complications due to cerebral palsy four days after I left. It all happened in the same week, just last week. I have no rights to her son so I'm on the outside looking in too. I don't have a lot of advice for you just my true sympathy. I'm staring at destitution and homelessness also which was always my fear as man who sees how the world works. Living or dying is so difficult and it takes a measure of strength to do either. I hope you find your strength whichever direction you choose.

 

[Notme]

Sorry I got so lost in my thoughts there (brain is really not working properly) I forgot to ask the main question I wanted to ask:

Is it wrong/selfish to ctb if you have kids (especially young kids)?

Similar boat to you I asked the question about ctb if you have kids. Everyone here are amazing and have helped me understand what I need to do. Try and be strong.

 

[epic]

- Best case scenario: You fight the legal battle and get to keep your kids. Worst Case scenario: You will get to see your kids more often in 6 and 10 years respectively when they will be free from the mother. Meanwhile make sure you convey in your meetings, that you love them. You can also tell them you are fighting the system tooth and nail to keep them with you .This is to make sure they remember in their adult life that the father fought for them and loves them unconditionally.
-Whether it be best case scenario or worst case,Kids always cherish their father because you were there for them and you share a genetic bond which can never be broken.
- As for debts, Try for a job which has a high wage and a rent which is low, you can slowly start paying off the debt. Worst case scenario is that they seize your possessions, In which case you keep at a job and build back again. Most people successfully do it . Best case scenario: You repay your debt slowly but surely.
-Meeting new people is easy. Reconnect with school/college friends or make friends when you get your new job. If you go to a church, speak with the father or make friends with other church going people. You will always find people who you can hangout with.
--As your situation limps back to normal your depression starts going away as it is contingent to these factors .

Even,If you assume all the worst case scenarios, you are still able to overcome all challenges .For the best case scenarios you are doing very well for yourself.
I think you have lots of hope and a chance to live a full and fullfilling life .

 

[Final Escape]

- Best case scenario: You fight the legal battle and get to keep your kids. Worst Case scenario: You will get to see your kids more often in 6 and 10 years respectively when they will be free from the mother. Meanwhile make sure you convey in your meetings, that you love them. You can also tell them you are fighting the system tooth and nail to keep them with you .This is to make sure they remember in their adult life that the father fought for them and loves them unconditionally.
-Whether it be best case scenario or worst case,Kids always cherish their father because you were there for them and you share a genetic bond which can never be broken.
- As for debts, Try for a job which has a high wage and a rent which is low, you can slowly start paying off the debt. Worst case scenario is that they seize your possessions, In which case you keep at a job and build back again. Most people successfully do it . Best case scenario: You repay your debt slowly but surely.
-Meeting new people is easy. Reconnect with school/college friends or make friends when you get your new job. If you go to a church, speak with the father or make friends with other church going people. You will always find people who you can hangout with.
--As your situation limps back to normal your depression starts going away as it is contingent to these factors .

Even,If you assume all the worst case scenarios, you are still able to overcome all challenges .For the best case scenarios you are doing very well for yourself.
I think you have lots of hope and a chance to live a full and fullfilling life .

U make it sound so simple lol!

 

[Ulisses]

I know the burden that is far from a son, I also suffer from it. your report was very intense, I hope you find a balance, a purpose before any other decision. peace and hugs

 

[Final Escape]

Sorry u are having to go though this. Part of it is the system really screws men in divorce. Hope u will find a way to stick around and move forward. It's a real shit show these days. Then add in this Covid bullshit on top of everything.

 

[AloneSoAlone]

Your story is almost a carbon copy of mine, except my kids are a bit older than yours.

Your ex sounds just like mine, she was horrific to live with, but when I finally said that's it, we're done she immediately contacted everyone we knew to tell them she'd left me because I was abusive. I should have known really.

She tried also to use the kids, but son wanted to live with me, daughter wouldn't even speak to me for over 2 years, which was really hard, but now she's made contact and we're okay again, I'm sure the same will happen with yours in time - they can tell the kids all kinds of stories of how they are great and you're bad, and they are the victim, but slowly and surely the kids willsee through that lie when the ex continues in their own selfish ways - they can't help themselves, it's who they are.

And kids aint stoopid.

Good luck my friend, I know it isn't easy, my moods change daily sometimes, for me if I can get my income nailed down at least it gives me a foundation to build on.

Thank @TheQ22 - sometimes I wonder if some women are given a secret handbook when they get married about how to really screw their husband over 'if they feel like it' - there's so many similar stories on all the Divorced Dad's forums.

My best friend from primary school days went thru the same thing some years back and he also luckily got his son with him (their only child). I feel as though had I had my kids with me from the start that I would not be in this bad condition now. I know I'm using them as a crutch to support myself and that's not right but they are my everything and without them I feel like a nothing.

I know kids aint stoopid ;-) but I have been hoodwinked and manipulated and coerced by their mum right from the start of our relationship (...she was the one who wanted to get married and even though I had some slight reservations but once the roller-coaster of family involvement started it was a ride I just couldn't get off! Don't get me wrong we both Loved each other, well I guess I can only spk for myself but I think she Loved me too at the start but things like her being more interested in having a big lavish wedding rather than helping me with some personal trauma I had at the time of our wedding should have rung my bell even louder! Again one of those stupid regrets that I can't seem to live with any longer!)

Thanks for your wishes. I know it might sound silly as we've never met but it really (REALLY!) does mean a lot to me! I sincerely hope and pray that you get your income stabilised so that you can build on that foundation with your kids to build your lives again (...no one should have to go thru any of this!) I could not imagine not being able to be in contact with one of your children for over 2 years! That's insane!! How do you even go about rebuilding that? I didn't see mine for about 3 months when the lock-down started and that pretty much destroyed me (...it's when I made my attempt).

Unfo it's very disheartening to learn that I am only the only one or even just one of a few going thru this - from the Divorced Dad's Forums it seems that it seem to be par for the course in getting divorced as a Dad. How do you handle the daily mood swings? I can go from really down, up to feeling OK - if i've been able to spk to kids say. If I get any time with them (...as I did last night [*]) then it's sheer and utter bliss but then when I have to "give them back" (...as I have just had to do) then my world comes crashing down (...especially after the usual comments I get from me Ex on the doorstep of "our home" (...or as he regards it now "her house") - my heart shatters for the 1,000,000th time and I have to try and put the pieces back together myself on my own - it's this constant breaking and trying to rebuild that has completely worn me out now...

[* usual scenario that I've had to deal with - she obvs wanted to go out last night and couldn't palm the kids off on any one else: her usual first choice. So the "kids" call me (...as always on speaker phone as they are not allowed to have a private conservation with me!) and ask to come round! It was already dark cold and raining here and I didn't have any food ready for them so i said "Guys why don't you sleep at "home" tonight comfy etc and I'll pick you up when we're all fresh in the morning and have a great day together the next day. (When the kids come I have to sleep on the floor as don't have enough room. They share the bed - which isn't ideal either and I sleep on the floor next to them. Tired to sleep on the sofa but they said they like it when we are all together. My daughter hangs her hand down from the bed and we always fall asleep holding hands.) Anyway, so I can hear my Ex in the back ground (remember it's on speaker phone) saying "Oh forget it, he doesn't want to see you" "he's not bothered" "just hang up as he doesn't care about you" etc. These are the comments I hear on the phone - I dread to think what gets said behind their closed doors when she had 'full control' over the kids and there's no one to witness what she says or does. So I ended up picking up the kids, even tho' it was late. They were tired and hungry - even tho' on the phone they said they'd had dinner. Luckily I managed to cobble together some food for them - have learnt to try and keep something in reserve for exactly this situation - its happened so many times before! So I'm just an emergency babysitter for my Ex - I thought she must have been going to her boyfriend's place but it turns out (kids told me they overheard her spking on the phone just before their conversation with me, that she was going to see her sister-in-law's, aunt's son(!) - she probably needed a favour from him. Even when we were together, any family link - if it was on 'her side' no matter how tenuous was always more important than our relationship and I've seen, even from when we were together 'sometimes' even over and above her relationship with the kids - this was really bad when her brother used to live a short drive away from us! I thought it would get better when he moved back to their home country nearly 10 years ago but if anything it got worse as then any link away from me and my side of the Family seemed to be her priority - I'm sorry, again this was supposed to be a short posting reply to wish you well and better fortune @TheQ22 but once my mind starts whirring thru ALL our history it all just comes flooding out!] :-(

Had take walk after dropping the kids back as I just couldn't face coming back to an empty Flat on my own. I visited the site where I nearly managed to take my life earlier this year. Have been back there a few times and "reliving" that fear, terror, shock, pain, agony and heartache etc. has usually brought me back to not being able to go thru with it. However, now the ongoing pain seems to be too great to even manage to do that! I think I could overcome that fear now and the SI to complete the task even if it was physically violent to me (...I probably deserve to suffer like that in any case) But I have also made plans for a supposedly peaceful way to go and that seems all the more attractive prospect daily, hourly, by the min and now each and every second! I know (believe) that in a matter of hours my pain could be stopped and I could 'sleep' for ever and rest from this torment - but then am I just transferring that torment on to my kids??? (...my Ex called the kids this morning when they were with me and put the carrot on the end of a stick of taking them to: her dad's second cousin's daughter's son's birthday party - to which obviously the kid jumped up at the chance to go (and I don't blame them at all for wanting to go) but it just leaves me totally alone again and fighting this swing from utter joy of being with the kids to sheer torment of being without them. I can imagine that would be some of the emotion that I would transfer to the kids should I do something to myself but at least they would have my Ex to support them and it would help in her mission to 'erase' me from their lives (...she's about 80% there already) but this is just something that I can't deal with on my own any more.

 

[AloneSoAlone]

@AloneSoAlone Your story hit really close to me because even with all the differences we have the core similarity of loss of family is so familiar. I was only with mine for 6 years but she was my best friend for 25. She had a new man living there the day after I was kicked out. Like I never existed the discard and replacement feeling is really agonizing especially if you still love them at the end despite of all they put you through and they don't love you. I sense your a really caring father because your so worried about being one and that's a sure sign of someone who desires to be a good one. I thought I could just drive myself harder to overcome the ugly split to get back to the kids. But the little girl we had together died of complications due to cerebral palsy four days after I left. It all happened in the same week, just last week. I have no rights to her son so I'm on the outside looking in too. I don't have a lot of advice for you just my true sympathy. I'm staring at destitution and homelessness also which was always my fear as man who sees how the world works. Living or dying is so difficult and it takes a measure of strength to do either. I hope you find your strength whichever direction you choose.

OMG @SadGuyWannaDie First of all thank you for even commenting on my thread especially with what you are going thru at this very moment. I read your comment today and was really upset. I then read your own thread and have been in tears for the past hour or so not even able to comprehend what you have been thru! I thought my situation was bad but nothing could compare to losing a child - I am soo sorry for your unimaginable loss and can't even begin to think how you are managing to keep any semblance of keeping it together e.g. to even be online (...though like I think you said, and I'm also finding, it's good to just get it out of your head (tho' it never really leaves) and just vent it out - even if that is just bashing the keyboard!!)

My daughter has Cerebral Palsy too, spastic diplegia and I can relate to everything that your wrote about it for your daughter. Fortunately few years before I was in a position to fund some revolutionary surgery for her (SDR) and the outcome of that has been truly miraculous for her. Following up with lots of strength and determination (from her and with "our" support) physio, hydro, AFOs, etc she has made a very good recovery. Fact that you kept your daughter out of the Dr's 'clutches' for 3 years and made her healthy for the first time in her life would have been a total game changer for her. I'm sure she would have known how much you Loved her. Just thinking about your not being able to say goodbye to her properly (due to your Ex's 'concern' for them) and then getting 'that' call the very next day is just heartbreaking. I can't help but shed a tear even now when I'm typing when I thought I'd pulled myself together enough to be able to get back to you. Everything you have been thru, being told to leave from the funeral, losing a loving relationship just after your birthday, I assume you still haven't been able to see her son either - it's jut crazy!! How you are dealing with having no closure is remarkable (...the unimaginable pain!) I am glad that you are with your Family and they are helping you as best they can. Watching you like a hawk might be a good thing at the moment. I agree with you completely, I too "would usually not advise someone to CTB with a broken heart because there is so much so sort through" and I completely relate to "I just can't bare to wake up to this nightmare anymore. And I don't know what to do."

I was determined to ctb this weekend but then my kids came round unexpectedly late on Sat night. I had to "give them back" mid Sun morning and that's just rocked my commitment to ctb. I'm utterly heartbroken at the moment with having them briefly again and then them leaving. Even though most of the time they were sleeping - just knowing they were in the apartment with me made ALL the difference. Even though I was sleeping on the floor I got a better sleep (5-6 hrs) than I usually do when I'm alone (2-3 hours on any given night!) I too "wake up to so much loss and agony it's unbearable" and have "been a long time lurker of communities like this" - I never thought I'd post anything here, just thought I'd read and learn but I was so torn this weekend of wanting to ctb I jut wanted to reach out to someone and see what happens. Like you I felt bad coming here to "complain" / "vent" when from what I've read over the many months of lurking that there are those who have it worse, much MUCH worse, imprisoned in their own bodies, trying to overcome mental and physical barriers, dealing with utter loss, the stories are truly desperate and heart breaking. I often think that if they did any of these stories in a soap opera (...in the UK there's one called Eastenders that's notoriously grim!) that even that audience would find such a story line unbelievable and unrealistic for the depths of misery that people are enduring but the sad truth is that I'm sure this is just a scratch on the surface of the immense suffering that seems to pervade every aspect of this modern world we 'live" (or should that be 'exist'?) in!

Even though there are huge differences to our backgrounds I can fully relate to everything you are going thru. If you want to talk / communicate directly, if you think it might help, then please reach out to me. I too am struggling with all of the things some of us struggle with - I'm not an overly religious person but my faith believes in an afterlife thru reincarnation. I've been told by family when I've opened up about my feelings of wanting to take some "action" (...for which I felt incredibly guilty and often thought "What would I do if someone said to me that they were going to take their lives?" My Cousin took that decision some years ago but never spoke to me at all before he did. Had seen him a few months before his action and he seemed his usual cheeky happy go-lucky self - I had no idea what torture he must have been going thru!?) I have been told that it's a "sin" and that "you have to relive the repercussions of your actions" thru your next lives!! I know people mean well (...well except for my Ex maybe?) but when you are living thru the fog of emotion, pain, loss, suffering etc it's soo hard to even think about carrying on. I had such a good morning with my kids this morning, even if it was just literally a couple of hours but then dealing the, what seems like, endless isolation and despair when they are gone, not knowing when they'll be back, is just a torture beyond measure. Your comment about "they have a fantasy that I'm going to come back from this and I don't know how" really struck a chord with me. I have been told "...well you've been like this for about the past 2 years so you just need to carry on" "...if you can make it this far you just need to carry on" "...you need to carry on for the kids, it's your duty as a Dad to be there for them even if they don't want to see you" - I've read stories of parents that have been estranged from their kids for years, decades even and who have 'come back' and been together again. How either side copes with that is unimaginable to me.

What is the chance of you getting any contact with her son now? Even if you could take your dog for a walk it might help with some help to your grieving. Tho' I'm not sure really as the joy of being with that/those Loved one(s), even if it is for the briefest of moments seems to have gotten to the point for me to be overshadowed by the grief of when you are not with that Loved one, especially when that is for the majority of the time!

I don't know what else I can say? I think we are in the same head space at the moment as my posts too are soo long and I am also screaming inside and just need to get it out even though I also think it's too long for most people who are also suffering and on here to sit through. The fact that you and some others have commented back to me gives me some comfort. Thanks to you and everyone who has posted here.

Bless your daughter and I am sure she was just perfect in each and every way. She sounds like a very special person who lived from your Love to her. I can't believe that you were not "allowed" to be with her at her end. Where she is now I am sure that she's seeing you with nothing but Love in her heart for you and sadness to see the pain that you are going thru. I long to join my Mum who passed nearly a decade ago. Sometimes I lie awake at night and just want to go "home" but I have no home any more. Just memories and dreams but I no longer dream any more. I can't remember the last time I had any dream, even a nightmare, life seems to be it's own ongoing nightmare at the moment :-(

You sound like a good human being and have taken care of and "saved" and helped many that you have Loved if your life, your Ex and especially your daughter until you were cruelly taken from her, maybe it's time you take care of yourself for a while and see how you can heal from this trauma. I wish you well with whatever you chose to do, even if that is C'ingTB. As a parent you have been thru an unimaginable loss. I can only feel for for your Mum should you take some action. It's one of the reasons I am still here as even though he's not with me physically any more and is 1000's of miles away I am not sure if I can do that to my Dad in his twilight years - though he is an incredibly wise man, who has been thru heartache too and knows my pain better than anyone in the world. I would hope that he could forgive me should I take that step. Like you I don't know what to do???

Take care.

 

[AloneSoAlone]

Sorry u are having to go though this. Part of it is the system really screws men in divorce. Hope u will find a way to stick around and move forward. It's a real shit show these days. Then add in this Covid bullshit on top of everything.

Thanks @Final Escape

At one point with all this Covid bullshit I believed the world (God if you will) was trying to tell me to check out. What's the point of carrying on with all this suffering in the world?? I'm really struggling to find any way forwards. I think the system has been designed to "kill off men" as nothing is what I would call fair and is so heavily skewed to the 'gentler female'(!) - that seems like such an oxymoron.

Thanks for your kind wishes.

 

[Final Escape]

Thanks @Final Escape

At one point with all this Covid bullshit I believed the world (God if you will) was trying to tell me to check out. What's the point of carrying on with all this suffering in the world?? I'm really struggling to find any way forwards. I think the system has been designed to "kill off men" as nothing is what I would call fair and is so heavily skewed to the 'gentler female'(!) - that seems like such an oxymoron.

Thanks for your kind wishes.

Yes you are correct. Once they gave women rights we no longer had to marry or stay married to have kids, we could commit adultery and initiate divorce, and even benefit from divorce with practically no consequences, we could now abort our babies regardless of how the guy feels about it. We get a choice to have the child or not through abortion but the guy has no choice wether or not he will be forced to pay child support for a child he didn't want with a woman he never commited to. This causes massive dysfunction in society. It's leading guys to commit suicide because they might not be able to afford to pay the forced child support or alimony. It's causing maladjustment and criminality when there's so many fatherless kids and blended families. The risk of abuse and poverty is much higher in single mother homes because normally the guy is the earner and welfare doesn't replace the absent father typically as long as the woman chose a decent provider to be the father but many of us don't. We get knocked up by some broke irresponsible guy and the state steps in to provide what the guy should normally be. It's a mess lol! I'm not saying women should not be respected and have individual rights etc. Not at the expense of men though.

 

[Ulisses]

Yes you are correct. Once they gave women rights we no longer had to marry or stay married to have kids, we could commit adultery and initiate divorce, and even benefit from divorce with practically no consequences, we could now abort our babies regardless of how the guy feels about it. We get a choice to have the child or not through abortion but the guy has no choice wether or not he will be forced to pay child support for a child he didn't want with a woman he never commited to. This causes massive dysfunction in society. It's leading guys to commit suicide because they might not be able to afford to pay the forced child support or alimony. It's causing maladjustment and criminality when there's so many fatherless kids and blended families. The risk of abuse and poverty is much higher in single mother homes because normally the guy is the earner and welfare doesn't replace the absent father typically as long as the woman chose a decent provider to be the father but many of us don't. We get knocked up by some broke irresponsible guy and the state steps in to provide what the guy should normally be. It's a mess lol! I'm not saying women should not be respected and have individual rights etc. Not at the expense of men though.

Mgtow forever kkkkkk Just kidding

 

[Final Escape]

Mgtow forever kkkkkk Just kidding

I can see why men are quitting.

 

[AloneSoAlone]

Yes you are correct. Once they gave women rights we no longer had to marry or stay married to have kids, we could commit adultery and initiate divorce, and even benefit from divorce with practically no consequences, we could now abort our babies regardless of how the guy feels about it. We get a choice to have the child or not through abortion but the guy has no choice wether or not he will be forced to pay child support for a child he didn't want with a woman he never commited to. This causes massive dysfunction in society. It's leading guys to commit suicide because they might not be able to afford to pay the forced child support or alimony. It's causing maladjustment and criminality when there's so many fatherless kids and blended families. The risk of abuse and poverty is much higher in single mother homes because normally the guy is the earner and welfare doesn't replace the absent father typically as long as the woman chose a decent provider to be the father but many of us don't. We get knocked up by some broke irresponsible guy and the state steps in to provide what the guy should normally be. It's a mess lol! I'm not saying women should not be respected and have individual rights etc. Not at the expense of men though.

@Final Escape It's nice to hear a rational woman's point of view on this! The observation that women could "benefit from divorce with practically no consequences" really stuck as the major consequence I have seen from online Dad's Divorce Forums and even here on SS is the 'ultimate' loss of the Dad - suicide rates for divorced Dad's are ridiculous and it's absolutely scandalous that those in charge (governments, politicians etc.) haven't picked up on this and done something about it!?

I got taken to court thinking I've done nothing wrong and the 'law' would be even handed. How wrong I was. I would be OK to handle the divorce if there was a roughly even split - at the moment I'm looking at 80/20 (in her favour at best!) On top of losing my Family - ALL that i held dear to me, I've also lost my home and virtually entire social circle as that revolved around Family and mutual friends - the girls of which are still quite tight with my Ex (...and thus their male partners toe the line) but literally ALL the guys have said to me "...we don't wanna get involved in your personal matters as we don't want our own boat rocked" - understandable I fully know but the level of 'rats deserting a sinking ship' has truly shocked me. "We" had a vibrant social life, mutual friends and 'parent friends' through the kid and school and the like but that literally went up in a puff of smoke for me...

My Ex is the one who got a new partner and basically surgically removed me from her and my kids lives. Through a series of well placed (but totally unfounded) allegations I got completely 'taken to the cleaners' - her barrister sister-in-law and solicitor best friend were complicit in setting me up for the fall. I have shown nothing but utter respect for women especially my Ex (which when faced with full on provocation is hard - once she blocked my path on the stairs as I was running late for work and said "...go on then you might as well just hit me and get it over and done with!" This is the girl that I used to unlock and open the car door for first EVERY time (...my first car I had didn't have central locking, and in any case even if it did I'd probably have still done the same!)

I had it all, then had it taken away from me, I'm nearing my 50's and just don't have the energy to 'start again'. I'm bitterly lonely but on the flip side of that I don't think I'd ever be able to fully trust any female again with my inner most feelings - so what do I do? I'll never be able to have a committed relationship again for fear of being this hurt again (I KNOW there are loving and decent women out there. It's just that the odds seem to be fully stacked AGAINST ever finding one!) My kids will grow up, their formative years spent mainly under the control of my Ex - they already squabble with each other much more than when we were a Family together, and things like my son's now soo obsessed with money it's ridiculous! This was never there when we were all together as I believe there was a balancing force in play - so the kids will move on thinking that it's alright to throw loved ones to the wolves and not care about the human that suffering excruciating pain on a literal second by second basis.

I wish i could just say there's no point in carrying on, even if it is for 'the kids sake', even if I only see them once in a blue moon, but then something like my daughter giving me one of her drawn pictures of us (she drew all fur of us, including my Ex, all together, on my birthday card recently) just breaks my heart and then I just don't know what the 'right' thing to do any more is??