Fire&Ash
Experienced
- Apr 15, 2020
- 226
I post a lot cuz it makes me feel understood and feel better. My last post I talked about how I wondered if I was overthinking my life. I saw comments that said I would be missed and it looked like me ending it would impact my loved ones.
Since July, I have been having venting sessions to my mom on how I can't function anymore. I can't keep a job, I don't know how to cook, and everything is confusing me. I feel like I can't rub two brain cells together and I'm just so checked out. I haven't worked since June 20. It's now October 31. Completely checked out. I live with my older sister and tell her I just can't do things, it's takes everything in me to do like 3 tasks in a day. I'm so ashamed I feel like I take advantage of her since she works so many shifts. The least I could do is cook but I just freeze up and have no clue.
My other sister tells me I am a bad godmother. She was drunk but it really pulls things to me that I am can't step up in any way. Im just human garbage.
My mom has told me multiple times that people have it worse than me. That she would be devastated if I took my own life. She says just stay alive for her and dad at least. Just be strong. Get hypnotized, she is convinced it can help take out the bad thoughts.
Money if somewhat tight for my parents this year because of inflation. So I'm concerned about funeral costs if I really pulled it off before January.
Im just sick of myself, and I don't think I can pull myself out. Im waiting desperately for my nurse psychiatrist appointment this Nov. 20 just so I can get on some medication. Some antidepressants and stimulants. I got accepted for the state health insurance. Idk if it will pull me out, but I'm just dyeing of shame and embarrassment on how I can be this age (27-28 F) and still get nowhere.
But I really don't know if I can do this anymore. I want to apply for disability with the nurse psychiatrist, idk is she will help me. Im just so done. Im scraping the bottom of my energy well and I haven't accomplished a damn thing in my life. Im a human garbage and a loser. Im so done with myself. I didn't ask to be born premature or suck at everything. School, people, dead end jobs. I'm bad at it all. I struggled with school no matter how hard I tried. I was separated by other students as my accommodation but no one explained why. I can't do anything right. I just sit on this bed or couch and watch tv or dissociate to music for the past 5 months just rotting. I can sometimes wash dishes. God I wish someone would kill me or I was actually sick to make up a valid excuse for my shit existence.
I hate life. It's just painful to watch life go by and I can't do shit about myself
Since July, I have been having venting sessions to my mom on how I can't function anymore. I can't keep a job, I don't know how to cook, and everything is confusing me. I feel like I can't rub two brain cells together and I'm just so checked out. I haven't worked since June 20. It's now October 31. Completely checked out. I live with my older sister and tell her I just can't do things, it's takes everything in me to do like 3 tasks in a day. I'm so ashamed I feel like I take advantage of her since she works so many shifts. The least I could do is cook but I just freeze up and have no clue.
My other sister tells me I am a bad godmother. She was drunk but it really pulls things to me that I am can't step up in any way. Im just human garbage.
My mom has told me multiple times that people have it worse than me. That she would be devastated if I took my own life. She says just stay alive for her and dad at least. Just be strong. Get hypnotized, she is convinced it can help take out the bad thoughts.
Money if somewhat tight for my parents this year because of inflation. So I'm concerned about funeral costs if I really pulled it off before January.
Im just sick of myself, and I don't think I can pull myself out. Im waiting desperately for my nurse psychiatrist appointment this Nov. 20 just so I can get on some medication. Some antidepressants and stimulants. I got accepted for the state health insurance. Idk if it will pull me out, but I'm just dyeing of shame and embarrassment on how I can be this age (27-28 F) and still get nowhere.
But I really don't know if I can do this anymore. I want to apply for disability with the nurse psychiatrist, idk is she will help me. Im just so done. Im scraping the bottom of my energy well and I haven't accomplished a damn thing in my life. Im a human garbage and a loser. Im so done with myself. I didn't ask to be born premature or suck at everything. School, people, dead end jobs. I'm bad at it all. I struggled with school no matter how hard I tried. I was separated by other students as my accommodation but no one explained why. I can't do anything right. I just sit on this bed or couch and watch tv or dissociate to music for the past 5 months just rotting. I can sometimes wash dishes. God I wish someone would kill me or I was actually sick to make up a valid excuse for my shit existence.
I hate life. It's just painful to watch life go by and I can't do shit about myself
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