Keeping hope at bay

[Manola]

I am new here. Apologies if I break any rules. In general, I have no love for this life. After 20 years of physical abuse, emotional abuse, or both, hope was all but dead in me. Then someone came along and gave me the tiniest sliver of hope that this life could be something more than a daily struggle with pain. 4 months later, that person is gone. Anyone have any tips for just keeping hope dead? Dead existence is more bearable than constant pain. I know how to kill it, but I prefer it just stay dead this time around. I just have to make it through to August, then I can ctb.

 

[GettingGone]

Honestly, the way I deal with disappointment is to never have positive expectations. If you expect people to do good, and they do good, it results in hope. Hope that maybe this life is alright. Maybe people can love me. But that's never the case for me. So I expect people to leave. And sometimes, I scare them away by being too honest about my suicidal thoughts too soon.

What's in August?

 

[Manola]

If all goes as planned, August is when all my finances and end of life planning will be tied up in a bow. Less burden for the kids that way. And I agree. I never had any expectation other than that it would end badly. But somehow that little green leaf poked up his head and I started to think "maybe....." As with many here, that is not my destiny. I've always known, I guess. I've managed to stay alive for my kids by just staying dead inside. The last one moves out this spring. My job is over. It's time to move on.