keep getting hesistant in ctb!

[Hyperbunny]

im not sure how to ctb
i have got SN and other stuff for sn method
but since i have moved home the urge to ctb has been less because, my family is always around, my mum is super and unrealistically optimistic, and she belives suicide is not an options for religious reasons.
and i feel uncomfrtable ctb at home
but not many other options other than go to a hotel
or temporarily move out

i know i will eventually ctb though, my condition is very painful and not one i can live with forever
but whenever pain and mood is managed the urge to ctb is less, even if it means sleeping in bed all day
or just satying in bed doing nothing except being on net

i have no energy to even go for walk

any help please
im 29 and i hate living with family, parents abused me most of liife and feeling like im dependent or seeing them at my most vulnerable is very frightening

thanks
also im scared SN will make me scream and parent will hear and call ambulance
or that i will get more anxious and call somoene for help
or that it will be too painful to bear

 

[TessB]

This sounds horrible I'm so sorry.. but what sort of help are you asking for? X

 

[Hyperbunny]

like how to deal with this. to get over my fears of dying

 

[Trisolaris]

like how to deal with this. to get over my fears of dying

Only you can work this out with yourself. Unfortunately, you can't be helped there.

 

[Makko]

Understand that you are not one with your family. Your mom isn't a part of you, her optimism is none of your business. Parents are your average "other people", in a big pile with all the other "other people", far away from everything that matters to you as a separate individual.