Karmic seeds?

[EddieAllenPoe]

Today I helped somebody with their yardwork to keep my mind busy. The work was repetitive and mindless. In a way, it was meditative... Naturally, I drifted off into deeper thoughts. For once in a long while, my mind was actually able to depart from the obsessive ruminations I've had lately related to suicide.

Instead of suicide, I started to ponder things related to the meaning of life. I felt like I hadn't explored this area lately. I didn't see the point of doing this at first, but I decided to allow my mind to go in this direction.

The funny thing is that I don't feel as if loosening my grip on thoughts of suicide was MY idea. It actually felt as if I was mentally "talking" to Buddhist teachers I had known in my mind. I don't know how to explain this but I don't mean this literally. It wasn't like I was hearing voices or having audible hallucinations. It was just a sudden subtle shift in my mind's focus. I guess you could say it was only my imagination.

Literally, I started to think about the Tibetan Mantra "Om Mane Padme Hum". The mantra does not mean much to me in itself because I don't speak Tibetan. Supposedly, anybody who utters this phrase will improve their karma. This is what I have heard before. I don't know why I would suddenly start thinking about this mantra today. It seemed kind of random. But how could a mantra improve your karma? What does it mean in itself to "improve your karma"? "Karma" simply means action in sanskrit. I don't really understand why anybody would spend hours chanting a meaningless mantra.

Obviously, there could not be anything magical about words. But I guess it is true that the words are attached to teachings. So my mind will free-associate the mantra with buddhist teachings. I guess, in this sense, you could say this mantra could act like a "seed". It's funny how other people can "plant seeds" in your mind and they don't really "bloom" for years. I guess you could say that karmic seeds were blooming in my mind today.

Honestly, there was a long period of time when I was younger that I literally believed chanting "Om Mane Padme Hum" would magically change my life. I wasn't really thinking too deeply about why I was doing it. I don't completely believe this anymore because I've come to discover that I was only doing what they call "magical thinking." The real world is better explained by science and statistics. But part of me still wonders... What if there is more to the physical world than I perceive? What if these words really are powerful?

I thought about how strange it was that it seemed like everything in life was inherently dissatisfying. In Buddhism, they call this "dukkha". "Dukkha" roughly means "dissatisfaction" in Sanskrit. Honestly, this is kind of a negative worldview and I don't often think of life in these terms. In fact, I don't always identify as a Buddhist. So I'm not bringing this up to propogate Buddhism or something. Sometimes I'm Christian. Sometimes I'm an atheist and lean more towards materialism. Sometimes I'm chasing dreams and hoping that the Law of Attraction is true. I alter my beliefs a lot. I guess it depends on how I feel.

One thing I do know is that having a belief about something doesn't make the belief true. I do want to know what's true.

So I would say as far as truth goes, I would say that the Buddhists have identified a real truth when they describe life as being Dukkha. It's a truth that appears to be independent of my attitude or belief. Life does appear to be inherently dissatisfying in my own observations and experience. This isn't true because of my mood or my attitude. It is simply true because everything is always changing. How could anything ever be truly satisfying if it's always changing?

Anyways, It is often assumed nowadays that if you secure a certain measure of material "success" in life that you will be happy. I have to admit that I wish I had more money. I wish I had sex more often. I wish I had more friends. I wouldn't mind being healthier. I would love to live somewhere with sunnier weather. But these things are all things that don't seem to last or produce lasting satisfaction in and of themselves. They are nice to have but they don't completely satisfy.

Granted, I haven't always been dirt poor. I don't blame anyone who wishes for material things or wants to improve their living conditions. I have also never been what you would call "wealthy". But I don't believe I would have to live the life of a millionaire to understand that a millionaire can just as easily become suicidal. A millionaire can hate life too and want to die. In fact, I know this can be true because I've observed it to be true. I've seen people who seemed to have it all commit suicide.

This really hit home when I read the story of a woman who seemed to have a perfect life but killed herself because she seemed bored. I really can't speak for her because I don't know her reasons. I only know how I perceive her and how I feel about what she did. She wasn't a millionaire but she seemed to live a life that was "way above" my own. This struck me as odd, because she is living a life that I could only dream of living. Her suicide challenged my beliefs about wanting my own death. I didn't understand why she hated her life. I often feel suicidal because my life is nowhere as awesome as hers. It didn't make sense. I was facing a paradox. I thought my suicidal ideation stems from dissatisfaction with not having enough. It seems as if she was dissatisfied because she was simply tired and bored. How could that be? Something isn't adding up. I guess I was falsely assuming I could become more satisfied by achieving more material success. But what if this isn't true?

Surely, people commit suicide because they fail in life... They're depressed... They have poor health... They're ugly.... They're outcasts... But no. Not always. Sometimes they are loved, wealthy, attractive, and healthy. So, why am I really suicidal? Why am I dissatisfied? Why do I really want to die? What am I really looking for?

So maybe it is just a chemical imbalance that causes a person to become suicidal? It would seem that a person could easily grow a distaste for life because of "anhedonia". A mental state where a person finds no pleasure in life and is dissatisfied with daily activities. Certainly, chemical imbalances can cause distress. Depression. Schizophrenia. OCD. Aspbergers. I'm sure these can contribute... but I know of people who have these conditions and they seem to be living somewhat happy lives. They simply learned to manage their condition through medical treatment. So if it isn't just a chemical imbalance that causes a person to become suicidal... then what does? Where does the dissatisfaction stem from?

I personally have a condition known as bipolar disorder. I am familiar with having moods that are "high" and moods that are "low". But I have found that I can still want to live life even when my mood is rollercoastering. I know for a fact that it isn't simply depression that causes me to be suicidal. So if it isn't my mood that is causing me to want to die then what is it? It would seem to be dissatisfaction with life.

Recently I have thought about suicide after I lost my job and found myself all alone. I had no friends and no wife. I didn't have many meaningful connections. Isolation from others wasn't pleasant but it was bearable. I'm sure it didn't help but it wasn't THE reason I thought about suicide. In fact, I often enjoy my time alone. In my most recent case I was feeling calm. I wasn't feeling particularly depressed. I was actually somewhat happy because I had less stress. I just didn't want to face any more bullshit. It just seemed that my life wasn't going in the right direction. It seemed as if I was playin game I couldn't win. So my mind turned towards suicide. But it makes me wonder... how do you win "the game"? What am I seeking? What would be satisfying?

"Fortunately", I have found that a desire to commit suicide does not always lead to suicide. Even with the perfect means... Even when you do have a shotgun... Even when you do have a cup of poison... Even when you do want to kill yourself... Sometimes, you just don't commit suicide. You can say that it was my survival instinct. Perhaps Buddhist monks have magically planted seeds in my mind that are blooming. Call it what you will... when I had a chance to open a door to my own death... I simply decided to not open it. Instead, I started asking questions. What is it I am actually looking for?

I discovered that I was actually searching for "something" else. It wasn't true that I wanted to die. I just didn't want to suffer. But what am I searching for? Why am I suffering?

I haven't really found that "God" answers this. I have tried this route and it helps sometimes. Sometimes it's more confusing then helpful.
I also haven't found that Buddhism answers this. I have tried this route and it helps sometimes. Sometimes meditation and philosophy is boring.
I have also found that SCIENCE doesn't help or answer my problems. I have found though that it can often be helpful.

Perhaps, the answer to what I am searching for isn't a singular thing.

I don't know. I think I have rambled long enough and I will end here.

Have you ever felt suicidal?
Do you know what caused you to want to die?
Do you know what you are searching for?
Did you find it?

 

[Walilamdzi]

It's interesting that doing something as simple as helping someone in their yard gave you some respite from your rumination and allowed enough mental space to philosophise about the meaning of life in this way. I have enjoyed speaking to Buddhists and think that their philosophy has a lot of constructive and valuable ideas. If I had more energy and wasn't feeling so defeatist about existence, I would probably pursue Buddhism more.

Sometimes I wish that we were taught more skills that involve working with our hands in early childhood. As children we spend our time sitting in classrooms rather than in nature. I can imagine enjoying working in a collective somewhere, making things with other people or tending to plants and harvesting things. I wish everyone was taught more varied survival skills rather than people being pigeonholed into one area and that we could all be self-sufficient and do varied kinds of work. It seems like a lot focus is places on academia and intellectualism when it would be far better if we were less focused on the mind.

Someone was explaining to me the other day that the idea of karma is often misunderstood, I can't remember what they said exactly but I quite like this quote about karma: Karma is a very misunderstood concept in the West, it is falsely interpreted as a kind of unchangeable destiny, a kind of punishment or divine reward for past actions. Karma is neither a punishment nor a reward, it is simply a gigantic cosmic mirror that reflects back what you "emit".

I suppose that repeating a mantra perhaps allows you to focus on the sounds, helping to focus your mind and functioning as a form of meditation. I would probably think about it in a similar way to you, though. Rationally the words can't directly change something, but I can see how the exercise of chanting a mantra, especially with other people could provide great enjoyment.

I don't think that there are many universal truths in life, since everyone's experiences are so wildly varying and there are myriad possibilities for existence. Also, like you say, everything is in a continual state of flux. I agree that Dukkha is a good concept. I like that you take inspiration from different religions and philosophies and that you don't feel the need to ascribe to one thing in particular. Personally I describe myself as agnostic though I like a few teachings of various different religions.

I strongly disagree with the ideas about chemical imbalances, I just think that we don't have a proper understanding of these things yet and terms such as chemical imbalance are used to make psychiatry sound more scientific than it is. I don't think that it's never the case, or totally implausible but equally I don't think there can ever be one single explanation as to someone's state of mind or state of being.

It is strange that people can seem to have it all yet be suffering so much. Portrayals of people through the media might not represent their reality very well, and even if you know the person they may hide their true feelings. Some truly talented and inspiring people end their lives, even though they could seemingly continue endlessly in a life of self-expression and contact with people who admire them.

I don't really believe in diagnoses or labels, I think it's really problematic. I think everyone is completely unique and again, by using these terms psychiatry tries to assert more knowledge than it has. How much thought really goes into these diagnoses? We've spoken on here before, I have also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I don't identify with my diagnosis at all, really. However when dealing with systems that consider you to be a certain 'thing', it can become a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, I think. At the end of the day, someone had to think up these criteria and these labels. I don't think it helps make anything clearer, just muddies the waters more.

Some things that I would say contributes to the prevalence of so-called mental illness is the high levels of inequality and exploitation ubiquitous in modern day societies. The kinds of values (or lack thereof) that people consequently have. The advent of technologies such as social media. The fact that we grow up divorced from nature, our world increasingly separated from conditions that we evolved to deal with. If people are living completely unnatural lives, no wonder we can't cope with it. Perhaps if we lived in collaborative communities rather than isolated and competing against each other, more people would find a sense of contentment and be less prone to feeling these things. I'd like to be somewhere where everyone benefits from collective effort. Unfortunately, that wouldn't benefit the status-quo or the establishment very much.

I'm glad that although you have access to lethal means, you're questioning everything very carefully and giving your meaning in life a lot of thought. I think, for me living in the kind of community I described could help, but I don't think that is such thing as a utopia, so it's hard to answer that question.

 

[Orin]

Thank you for bringing this up. This led me to do some research on chanting:
https://www.quora.com/How-does-the-chanting-of-mantras-affect-our-brain

 

[sillyusername69]

Have you ever felt suicidal?
Do you know what caused you to want to die?
Do you know what you are searching for?
Did you find it?
I recently lost my job and have had a definite lack of friends. I feel isolated. I liked being outside and spending time in social settings, but due to recent events (a breakup/job loss) I discovered those "friends" were not actually very genuine friends.
So now I have an abundance of time alone. I mostly sleep to pass time. I still take care of basic obligations (I make breakfast/dinner for my kids, monitor them, give them affection when I can, I complete school work pretty much on the deadline, and I do the most basic of job duties required to get a paycheck for my work at home job.) The rest of the time I sleep though.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Honestly, I'm just doing what I "have" to do until an appropriate time to CTB. I know that I have wanted to die off and on since I was 5. I have always struggled with severe depression and a lack of being able to accept "existence". I commonly dissociate, so I feel disconnected from people, settings, and I guess maybe that's why people say I'm "awkward" socially, or why I forget people's names constantly.

I don't enjoy hobbies like I used to. I was able to put time into playing games, making art... now I am just a person existing. I don't really know what to say. I don't think "finding" those hobbies again will help. I used to have dreams of actually being able to dedicate time to art, and being "successful" (my measure of successful is even making a steady $25 a month off of it honestly. I don't have crazy entrepreneur fantasies) from it. Now it's like eh, I can just do the minimum to survive and be fine.