neverwashere
Self sabotaging to cope with it all
- Apr 25, 2023
- 73
I'm not saying this in the sense that "karma is real and if I reincarnate after ctb im going to have it 20 times worse", I mean that for every good thing that happens, there's something equally bad that happens to balance it out. Monday was one of the best days of my life- I hung out with two of my closest friends and we drove around and had fun. It was the first day in a long time where I felt actually alive. I was expecting it all to come crashing down, but not the next day.
On Tuesday I hung out with a different group of friends, and one of those friends is a guy I've liked for a good month and a half by now. He's been getting kinda touchy with me for the last few weeks, where if we're watching a movie with our friends or something, we'll be sitting together and he'll either hold my waist or my thigh like he did last night, and I've caught him staring at my lips too. Before the movie we went on a walk around this wooded area in his neighborhood with the friend group, and me and the guy went ahead and were being sweet and stuff. We weren't holding hands, but from a third POV we definitely looked cute together. One of the friends we were with even texted me later like "y'all would look cute together."
And I might be completely delusional right now, but there's something in the way he looks at me and talks to me that he doesn't with the rest of his friends. Ive had other people confirm that but now I'm not so sure.
On the drive home, we talked about potentially doing a FWB situation where we uh- get physically intimate with no strings attached. He said he doesn't have romantic feelings for me but wouldn't mind messing around from time to time as long as we stayed friends, and that he doesn't want anyone to get hurt. I told him I'm okay with that even though when he said the thing about the romantic feelings I wanted to cry.
And then when he pulled up into my driveway, we kissed. I'm more of a gentle kiss kind of person, but he was pretty rough with it which caught me off guard. After we pulled away he was like "yeah that didn't really feel right", which he's not wrong. Usually when I kiss people, I get a fluttery feeling in my chest. But this time? nothing. I just got dizzy in a good way. Maybe because it was midnight and I was tired, or maybe because there weren't romantic feelings behind it on his side. I kind of wanted to try kissing him again and getting it right, but I'm never going to get that chance.
Anyways, we talked for another minute about unrelated things and then I left.
And before I went to hang out with my friends on Tuesday, I had a bad day at work. I was hoping seeing my friends would prevent me from breaking down when I get home, but I think the whole situation with the guy made it worse. I just dont get it- why would you treat me like someone you have romantic feelings for even though you don't? A while ago his best friend *did* say he probably feels something but he's repressing it because his ex hurt him, which is fair, I can't blame him. But couldn't you have repressed them MORE and not given me false hope for a month?
I'm grateful he was at least honest and blunt about it. That's the least he could've done, I think.
An hour later, (mind you this was like 1 am) he texts me saying that he doesn't want to do the FWB thing and that he sees physical intimacy as something romantic and he isn't sure why he even suggested that. I replied all like "oh haha no worries, I was expecting one of us to back out within like 24 hours anyways :)" but honestly, I'm kind of scaring myself with how willing I was to put myself into a situation that I knew would end up hurting me. I knew that as soon as it came crashing down (if we actually went through with it, that is) that would be the last straw and I would have nothing else to hold on to and kill myself. But it would've been worth it. I would've felt something, even if that something was heartbreak. Maybe I would've felt alive again like I did on Monday.
So what's the point of me typing all of this out?
That karma is real. If you have one good day, the next will be awful. At least for me. And I think that's what's making me even more hesitant about ctb. I know its going to be worse if I do it, but I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to live. I constantly feel so disgusted and I dont even know from what!
On Tuesday I hung out with a different group of friends, and one of those friends is a guy I've liked for a good month and a half by now. He's been getting kinda touchy with me for the last few weeks, where if we're watching a movie with our friends or something, we'll be sitting together and he'll either hold my waist or my thigh like he did last night, and I've caught him staring at my lips too. Before the movie we went on a walk around this wooded area in his neighborhood with the friend group, and me and the guy went ahead and were being sweet and stuff. We weren't holding hands, but from a third POV we definitely looked cute together. One of the friends we were with even texted me later like "y'all would look cute together."
And I might be completely delusional right now, but there's something in the way he looks at me and talks to me that he doesn't with the rest of his friends. Ive had other people confirm that but now I'm not so sure.
On the drive home, we talked about potentially doing a FWB situation where we uh- get physically intimate with no strings attached. He said he doesn't have romantic feelings for me but wouldn't mind messing around from time to time as long as we stayed friends, and that he doesn't want anyone to get hurt. I told him I'm okay with that even though when he said the thing about the romantic feelings I wanted to cry.
And then when he pulled up into my driveway, we kissed. I'm more of a gentle kiss kind of person, but he was pretty rough with it which caught me off guard. After we pulled away he was like "yeah that didn't really feel right", which he's not wrong. Usually when I kiss people, I get a fluttery feeling in my chest. But this time? nothing. I just got dizzy in a good way. Maybe because it was midnight and I was tired, or maybe because there weren't romantic feelings behind it on his side. I kind of wanted to try kissing him again and getting it right, but I'm never going to get that chance.
Anyways, we talked for another minute about unrelated things and then I left.
And before I went to hang out with my friends on Tuesday, I had a bad day at work. I was hoping seeing my friends would prevent me from breaking down when I get home, but I think the whole situation with the guy made it worse. I just dont get it- why would you treat me like someone you have romantic feelings for even though you don't? A while ago his best friend *did* say he probably feels something but he's repressing it because his ex hurt him, which is fair, I can't blame him. But couldn't you have repressed them MORE and not given me false hope for a month?
I'm grateful he was at least honest and blunt about it. That's the least he could've done, I think.
An hour later, (mind you this was like 1 am) he texts me saying that he doesn't want to do the FWB thing and that he sees physical intimacy as something romantic and he isn't sure why he even suggested that. I replied all like "oh haha no worries, I was expecting one of us to back out within like 24 hours anyways :)" but honestly, I'm kind of scaring myself with how willing I was to put myself into a situation that I knew would end up hurting me. I knew that as soon as it came crashing down (if we actually went through with it, that is) that would be the last straw and I would have nothing else to hold on to and kill myself. But it would've been worth it. I would've felt something, even if that something was heartbreak. Maybe I would've felt alive again like I did on Monday.
So what's the point of me typing all of this out?
That karma is real. If you have one good day, the next will be awful. At least for me. And I think that's what's making me even more hesitant about ctb. I know its going to be worse if I do it, but I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to live. I constantly feel so disgusted and I dont even know from what!
