Just worried because of my parents

[Canon1]

Hi! I would instantly take the sn but I am thinking of my parents' life after. They will be deeply sad for the rest of their lives. This is the one and only thing that keeps me from committing suicide.

How do you deal with this issue of your loved ones?

 

[Moony21]

Until now I couldn't finde a way to deal with the guilt of leaving loved ones :( but at least I know they will understand some day. I need to go through that process.

 

[Hotsackage]

Im the same, id down it right away but thought of my parents makes me feel bad

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

It is very kind and considerate of you to think about the feelings of your parents. There is nothing more tragic for a parent than to see their child die in front of their eyes. There is a post by a father in this website, 2 days ago, who is now suicidal after his son died the same way. Please keep them in your thoughts and try to work out your situation in a less damaging way.

 

[Time]

Same here. That's been the biggest obstacle for me. I've been looking @ it as I'm making the best decision for me but also for them. They know that I've always had a rough time with life & with me no longer being around, they'll have one less thing to worry about. At the same time they'll have less help around the house & I do most of the heavy lifting. I've exhausted every option & (I'm pretty certain that I'm not just rationalizing) I still think that ultimately it's the best thing for everyone.

 

[mattwitt]

Whether you die by suicide, an accident, or natural causes there's always going to be people in your life who are negatively affected by your death there's just no way around it.

 

[SoupSnakes]

YOUTUBE VIDEO

I found this video (above) which I am going to leave the link to in one of my letters which I'm hoping will help and from this, there are a lot of other talks.

Reading the comments, a lot of people have said it helped.

 

[pieces]

But I mean, people look for a sense of things. People dying by accident, sickness or old age, doesn't make sense and one can cope with that, that cruel absurdity. I mean, that's how things are, it's nobody's fault. But when one makes the decision of dying, won't people feel bad or responsible? Making the decision of dying is so alien to them, so weird, that it must be someone's fault. They could have done something, prevented it. I think they believe so.

I know my parents and my boyfriend will feel really bad, they believe I'm happy and well adjusted, but in reality every morning I make plans. I plan and plan and plan on how to make my death less burdensome, less painful for them. I don't know if disappearing would make this less painful for them.

 

[hadenoughthanks]

it's devastating to be honest. i feel extreme guilt because they have been through more adversity than me but I just can't keep going.

But I mean, people look for a sense of things. People dying by accident, sickness or old age, doesn't make sense and one can cope with that, that cruel absurdity. I mean, that's how things are, it's nobody's fault. But when one makes the decision of dying, won't people feel bad or responsible? Making the decision of dying is so alien to them, so weird, that it must be someone's fault. They could have done something, prevented it. I think they believe so.

I know my parents and my boyfriend will feel really bad, they believe I'm happy and well adjusted, but in reality every morning I make plans. I plan and plan and plan on how to make my death less burdensome, less painful for them. I don't know if disappearing would make this less painful for them.

I really appreciate this reply and can say I feel extremely similarly. I also think a lot about dissapearing but I feel in a way, that would haunt them more and I think due to my obvious depression, they would put 2 + 2 together

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

I guess that anyone who is concerned about the impact of their suicide on their parents... if the urge to off yourself is too much then maybe talk to your parents about it in a peaceful and respectable way so that if you still do it then they could see it coming rather than be shocked and feel helpless about it. Probably they would come to terms with it a bit easier then. Just my 2 cents, depending on individual situation. You are on your own if they force help/authorities upon you. If it was me though, the feeling of my parents would always supersede my own. After all, a child always owes their existence to the parents.

 

[Time]

YOUTUBE VIDEO

I found this video (above) which I am going to leave the link to in one of my letters which I'm hoping will help and from this, there are a lot of other talks.

Reading the comments, a lot of people have said it helped.

Thank you for this. I hadn't thought of providing such a video with my note.

 

[Canon1]

That's right but speaking with parents about this will always lead to suggestions like don't do this! Are you crazy?

That doesn't make the situation better for me.

 

[EmptyArms]

I'm here for the most part because my daughter died 7 years ago. I am an intelligent, rational and otherwise well adjusted person with tons of resources. And yet without my child my life makes no sense and I simply cannot recover from her death. Our family has been obliterated as though a bomb was dropped in it. The effects are so far reaching. My son was destroyed as he has now lost his only sibling as well as his father who CTB 5 years earlier. I've lost my baby, my toddler, my teenager as well as my future daughter. All hope has gone. We are destroyed. Please think very carefully about what may change for the better in the future for you, even if you cant imagine it now. Because if you are alive there's always hope. I cant guess what dreadful and seemingly insurmountable suffering has brought you to this point. I'm trying very hard not to influence you but if anyone could have said a single word to change our family outcome..well then I wish they would have. Its unbearable to lose a child. I cant bear it.

 

[Canon1]

Thank you for your wise words. I feel so guilty because my gf was pregnant and we decided to abort the baby. After that i cheated on her and lied a few times which is the reason she broke up with me. She is the most important person in my life and right now i feel like endlessly guilty for my mistakes. I can't bear it

 

[Mizzmini45]

I'm only here because I have a twin sister if it wasn't for her I'd be gone since I was like 19-22. My dad committed suicide last year. My mom could care less about me which is freeing actually. I wish you luck its really hard when parents are the reason. Good luck. I really pray for you. Its so hard when you have parents who care about you. I couldnt even imagine

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

I'm here for the most part because my daughter died 7 years ago. I am an intelligent, rational and otherwise well adjusted person with tons of resources. And yet without my child my life makes no sense and I simply cannot recover from her death. Our family has been obliterated as though a bomb was dropped in it. The effects are so far reaching. My son was destroyed as he has now lost his only sibling as well as his father who CTB 5 years earlier. I've lost my baby, my toddler, my teenager as well as my future daughter. All hope has gone. We are destroyed. Please think very carefully about what may change for the better in the future for you, even if you cant imagine it now. Because if you are alive there's always hope. I cant guess what dreadful and seemingly insurmountable suffering has brought you to this point. I'm trying very hard not to influence you but if anyone could have said a single word to change our family outcome..well then I wish they would have. Its unbearable to lose a child. I cant bear it.

THIS. This is what everyone with loving, caring parents should read before they think of ending their life. When I read these words I see a mother with tears in her eyes, and that image alone stops me from hurting my parents ever. Thank you @EmptyArms for posting this comment.

 

[Xebsora29]

Hi! I would instantly take the sn but I am thinking of my parents' life after. They will be deeply sad for the rest of their lives. This is the one and only thing that keeps me from committing suicide.

How do you deal with this issue of your loved ones?

Its difficult, no doubt. We're so determined to end our lives, yet there is a sense of reluctancy because of our very own concerns of those we're surrounded by. Sometimes I feel similar to that, knowing the more extensive pain they'll be in given their prior adversity and misfortune.

I'll be honest with you, and I won't sugarcoat it. There's no way to prevent how they'll feel with the aftermath of your death. If these are individuals that loved you, they will mourn for you and be devastated. How to deal with that? You have to be determined to overlook that issue and try to not be concern with their feelings/emotions. Thats how you'll be able deal with the emerging decision, surrounded by your loved ones. Henceforth, its not easy and death is not simple. I have my own problems but I figured it out with determination. I won't be honest with everything, but I'll sometimes document the entirety of my emotions, feelings, and rationale hoping they read it. I have a long letter than exemplifies my reasons and me stating that they are not the contributor of my death. By informing them why I did it, I feel less worried about their feelings. I'm subconsciously hoping that they'll understand someday. I try to come from a good hearted place in a sense but unfortunately, you'll never know when it will backfire and how much more they'll be devastated. You aren't aware and that may be the most concerning part for you in actuality. I'm not aware on the severity of your position however, it seems that you want to live to ensure the concern of others (your parents) are not affecting their future lives. Its heartbreaking and difficult, I know. So ask yourself that question again and see if CTB is what you really desire, or is it better to be open about your feelings with that discussion with your parents. Who knows, maybe you'll realize something greater and it'll change your alternatives. Whatever you choose, is your decision. I'm just trying to make you see the bigger picture here. I hope the best for you and everything works out my friend.

 

[MissNietzsche]

Honestly, it's hard for me to bear the concrete idea of my sisters and mother knowing that I committed suicide. I really wanted to die in my bedroom, but I honestly don't know if I can traumatize them like that..like, could you imagine them breaking into your locked door because they haven't seen you in a day and then them finding your dead body? I can only picture them shrieking in extreme emotional agony as they desperately try to wake me. I can't imagine them having to bare through the paramedics removing my corpse. And surely, they would never want to enter my bedroom again.

I love my bedroom. It's all pink and princess-y, and it would be absolute paradise for me to die in..but because of them, I'm seriously considering driving out got knows where and dying in my car. That way, they don't have to see me dead if they don't want to. It wouldn't feel "as real" to them.

Interestingly enough, when I was 17 and suicidal, I didn't care if I scarred my family. I think they've grown on me since then lmao. Also, I think I can understand now that my sisters do love me, even if they do have a weird way of showing it.

Also, I feel heartbroken for my cat. She honestly follows me around like a little puppy dog. Like, 95% of the time, when I'm in a room, my cat is a couple feet away. And when I change rooms, there she is following me. She cries when I freaking close the door on her to use the restroom...and my family says she acts like a different cat when I'm come home, as apparently she gets way more hyper, happy, and giddy. I'm her world, and I don't know if I could break her trust like that...I found her when she was a starving, flea-ridden kitten..I don't think she can form a bond quite like this ever again. I don't want to decrease her quality of life..and because she sleeps with me at night, I don't want her to feel my body get colder and colder as the hours tick by that night.

 

[ab112]

This is a topic I am struggling with immensely.

My brother killed himself 15 years ago, and he had bipolar disorder... but strangely enough, his life wasn't that bad & he used to tell my mom how he wanted to live - but he was put on / off so many meds, it caused a lot of psych problems (the meds themselves we think - all the switching too). He had a good job and masters degree, he was attractive, he was a nice person, bad things didn't really happen to him (not like me where the list is too long for a normal hard drive space...) But yeah, he killed himself 15 years ago and it changed my family for a while. My parents never "got over" it. I never go to the grave site as I am uncomfortable there and also do not believe "he" is there. Sometimes I think maybe he tries to protect me in certain ways. I don't know. I have funny signs that show up when I am making a hard decision.

If I do it - I have to put my parents through it again. I just talked to my mother and I always try to get my parents to see how fucked up my life has been and how many things have gone wrong that just do not happen to normal people. They listen to me, but I don't think they ever get it. It is just words or something... just ... complaints. I don't know. I didn't have the best relationship with them for most of my life, so it's a "FU" in a way but also I don't think this was the FU I was planning (I'd rather have become successful and wealthy and cut them off... instead I became a disaster). Their empathy/sympathy toward me can change like the tide. I don't know what to make of this problem anymore.

 

[Done at Fifty]

That's my difficulty. that and finding a pain free method. Its best if you can distance yourself from people first somehow. ideally I'd like people to think it was a natural death. I'd like to just have a few people who need to know, receive a suicide note telling them to keep it a secret and say I died in my sleep or of a heart attack.
I'm close to only a few people in my family and one's going through some difficulties so I like being there for that family member right now. once its over they'll go back to ignoring me. If you can take a year or two and distance yourself that may help.

 

[pieces]

I'm here for the most part because my daughter died 7 years ago. I am an intelligent, rational and otherwise well adjusted person with tons of resources. And yet without my child my life makes no sense and I simply cannot recover from her death. Our family has been obliterated as though a bomb was dropped in it. The effects are so far reaching. My son was destroyed as he has now lost his only sibling as well as his father who CTB 5 years earlier. I've lost my baby, my toddler, my teenager as well as my future daughter. All hope has gone. We are destroyed. Please think very carefully about what may change for the better in the future for you, even if you cant imagine it now. Because if you are alive there's always hope. I cant guess what dreadful and seemingly insurmountable suffering has brought you to this point. I'm trying very hard not to influence you but if anyone could have said a single word to change our family outcome..well then I wish they would have. Its unbearable to lose a child. I cant bear it.

Your answer hurts deep within me, haunts me. I'm the oldest daughter of my family and I'm fearful I'd be hurting them beyond repair. But I know now, beyond else, they feel disappointed in me... in what I could be and I am not. I know my parents love me, but I escaped home in my early 20's because I knew I couldn't with their pressure and expectations. They still hurt me still in my late 20's. I cry thinking about what they wanted me to be. Dying is the way I'd scape and find freedom once again, one that cannot be denied.

 

[Moonicide]

My situation is a bit complex, but in the end my mom would come to terms with it. My mom is in her 60s, she's getting older and I deteriorate with each year. She often worries about me and says how she wants me to be able to take care of myself. I get disability, but it's not enough to live alone. I'd need a roommate and I've never been good with people. My psychiatrist even has agreed due to my trauma that I am not stable enough to live with someone in this moment in time. I see how tired my mom is getting. I see it in her face, the life is slowly being sucked out of her due to my abusive father and my sister. My sister is more than likely BPD, she's diagnosed as Bipolar though. Has always given my family problems, and is currently in addiction despite having 2 children. Guess who takes care of those children? My mother. They have joint custody due to my sisters stupidity. My sister refuses to get help, goes in and out of programs, is still abusing medication. Fucking opioids. It's been 4-5 years of having my addict sister living with us and getting high in front of her children... Nothing has gotten better, but my mom keeps hoping things will get better. She has other people she has to take care of and deal with... I can't do that to her. I do not want to be another person she has to check on. She should be living a calm and peaceful life. Her children should be taking care and looking out for her, but no. We're all so fucked up. Everyone in this family is so dysfunctional and mentally ill. Unlike my sister, I do not intend to torture my mother like this. I know my death will be painful for her, but in the end it's better than her having to watch her daughter, me, mentally and physically deteriorate further... I just can't do it anymore. I'm so done with it all.

My room is filled with pill bottles filled with medication that I take for my Bipolar, my chronic pain, etc. And you know what's the fucked up part? If I didn't have a lock to my room my sister would come in and take all of it. There has been times my mom would ask me to keep her medication safe so my sister wouldn't take it. So depressing. So heartbreaking.

 

[Nova]

Yes, that is probably my biggest obstacle. I guess I'll have to wait until they die or at least become so demented they wouldn't recognize me anymore.

 

[realjunes]

Hi! I would instantly take the sn but I am thinking of my parents' life after. They will be deeply sad for the rest of their lives. This is the one and only thing that keeps me from committing suicide.

How do you deal with this issue of your loved ones?

I have thought a lot about "those we leave behind" and I now think that members of this forum are emotionally deep people who care for others, whether they want to or not. I often think the same thoughts. However, I have come around to think of things this way.
Sure, people left behind us may be sad. or at least we hope they are for our own sake, but in the end two things will happen. First, we will be no longer suffering, at eternal peace, which is what we live for, if you will pardon the expression. Second, those left will have a life somehow, and we should all hope that if their circumstances ever become unbearable to them, that maybe times will have evolved by that time to allow people to choose their own destiny, to live or die, without judgment or ridicule and all people can determine their own life outcome. We want them to understand that life is not fair, it just is life, and if it is insufferable, it just is.
All that to say, many of us burden ourselves with how it will be for those still living, and it is a burden we must no longer carry. Maybe if we think that they can someday determine their own choices, they will respect our choices.
The bottom line is we are the ones living our life, no one else can live it for us 24 hours a day, so self-determination, whatever it is, it is.
Others will eventually reach the point in their own lives where, we hope, they will look back at our lives, and the end of our lives and will then understand that we chose to make ourselves free of pain and suffering,. We hope they will then fully understand how we truly felt and, we hope, they will then respect and fully appreciate the meaning of CHOICE, that we chose. We hope this will cause them to think that they are happy realizing in the moment we left, we no longer suffered. Pain died. Peacefulness set in. And, finally, we hope in that same moment for them, they will completely understand that EVERYONE must be pro-choice in all respects, and our memory will thus be respected. Bottom line.

 

[JustAnotherSuicider]

Maybe I am cruel and soulless, but I don't really care about them anymore. I don't really have any contact with my parents, I'm sitting closed in my room all day and go out only to bathroom or to get food. I don't talk with them at all, I tried, but they just don't understand and only make me feel even worse. For instance: recently my mother ask me why I am so sad (and she exactly know why), I just said "Because, I can't be sad or what?" and she just said "No, in this house you can't". And when I tell her anything she just instantly talk about it to whole family and neighborhoods. I told her that If I telling her something that means that I trust her and don't want to everybody else to know about it, but she just keep doing it, so I just stop taking to her at all. Also I don't really feel any love toward them anymore, there are more like strangers to me. Yea, I wont feel guilty when I finally CTB, because dead people can't feel guilt obviously.

 

[Daffodil]

At some point your suffering becomes so great that you weigh escaping your own suffering over another's suffering. You shouldn't live solely to keep another person happy, that's not right either.

 

[Mizzmini45]

God why is life such a bad idea! Hearing everyone stories makes me so angry n sad at the same time!

 

[realjunes]

God why is life such a bad idea! Hearing everyone stories makes me so angry n sad at the same time!

Exactly !

 

[Yoko26]

But I mean, people look for a sense of things. People dying by accident, sickness or old age, doesn't make sense and one can cope with that, that cruel absurdity. I mean, that's how things are, it's nobody's fault. But when one makes the decision of dying, won't people feel bad or responsible? Making the decision of dying is so alien to them, so weird, that it must be someone's fault. They could have done something, prevented it. I think they believe so.

I know my parents and my boyfriend will feel really bad, they believe I'm happy and well adjusted, but in reality every morning I make plans. I plan and plan and plan on how to make my death less burdensome, less painful for them. I don't know if disappearing would make this less painful for them.

You say something very important here "they must have prevented" and I still ask myself why we are so obligated to live? Even if we are having the most terrible life we are obligated to live it? I mean...why!? My reason to CTB is the accidental loss of my husband that passed in an car wreck two months ago now everyone is forcing me to live even in living hell they just don't care they just say I should not CTB because I'm young and I have to live and I'll cause pain on others...so nobody cares how I can't keep my life going without my love they just want me to be here no matter how shitty I feel...