Just want to be heard

[stilhavinightmares]

I just want to be heard by someone who is not going to try to convince me to stay alive. It's a shame that we can't talk to many people about our suicidal thoughts without fear of being locked up. It makes the whole experience even more isolating and alienating than it has to be. So counterproductive. I have attempted to die a handful of times, and I've been doing relatively well straying away from all of that the past few years. I have what younger me would say is a great life. I recognize that but I always return to the belief that I need to be dead. The only thing keeping me from being dead already is my spouse and my pet. I can't look either of them in the eyes without immense deep gut wrenching guilt because I want to leave. It isn't fair to them but it isn't fair to me either and I'm tired of living my life solely for others. It's bullshit. I want to go and I know their pain won't matter to me when I'm dead but I wish it didn't matter so much to me right now.

 

[FuneralCry]

In a world like this suicide really shouldn't be so stigmatised, of course we should be able to be open about our wish to die. After all, death is so normal and it's inevitable. There's nothing wrong with it. But it does sound like a difficult situation that you are in, I could never personally suffer only for the sake of others, the truth is that it's our decision whether we wish to stay here or not and grief and loss are simply a part of life after all. But I wish you the best.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

In a world like this suicide really shouldn't be so stigmatised, of course we should be able to be open about our wish to die. After all, death is so normal and it's inevitable. There's nothing wrong with it. But it does sound like a difficult situation that you are in, I could never personally suffer only for the sake of others, the truth is that it's our decision whether we wish to stay here or not and grief and loss are simply a part of life after all. But I wish you the best.

Thank you sincerely for reading and replying, I really appreciate it. I wish I didn't feel so compelled to please others. The stigma is awful.

 

[almaranthine]

Having to cope with your suicidal thoughts in contrast to your love for your spouse and pet must be extremely difficult. There's a lot of lonely people out there that imagine a successful relationship would make life worth living and decrease their suffering to a bearable level... unfortunately for some people, nothing is enough to stop the mental torment. I'm sorry you are suffering like this.

 

[Onix88]

I also am for self-determination. Average people can't understand the pain and the rational behind Will of suicide. But you have still your spouse and your pet that make you feel guilty in some way.
Can't/ wouldn't you change your life in some way and try to live?

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Having to cope with your suicidal thoughts in contrast to your love for your spouse and pet must be extremely difficult. There's a lot of lonely people out there that imagine a successful relationship would make life worth living and decrease their suffering to a bearable level... unfortunately for some people, nothing is enough to stop the mental torment. I'm sorry you are suffering like this.

It's absolute hell to want to die but not want to hurt my loved ones. I hurt for them knowing they can't help me. Thanks for the understanding.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. We do our best in life. We do the things that are supposed to make us feel 'normal' and happy but it doesn't always work. Sometimes I actually wonder if it would be worse to have someone and feel like this. I sort of think it would and I feel so bad for you.

I really wish I knew what to say to help. My situation isn't the same as yours- I am alone pretty much. Still- I feel like I have to hang on for my Dad (who lives miles away). I've got by till now but honestly, I dread what's ahead. I really feel for you. I hope you can find peace with your decision, whatever that may be.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I also am for self-determination. Average people can't understand the pain and the rational behind Will of suicide. But you have still your spouse and your pet that make you feel guilty in some way.
Can't/ wouldn't you change your life in some way and try to live?

I have been trying for a long time. I wish there was something long term that could make me want to live.