Just wanna do it because of a failed superiority complex tbh

[allwrong]

When I think about it, being told all my life I've got brains, getting tested to have above average intelligence, noticing I do indeed have a strong intuitive ability to learn and understand various things, etc. is really crushing as I haven't lived up to or done anything with that at all.
Whenever anything's gotten even slightly inconvenient or hard, requiring effort and perseverance, I always just ran away like a pussy. Now, I can't even convince myself I'm great, just a fat waste of potential, and even that doesn't really hold water. Getting a bad hand in life can't forever be an excuse. Asperger's + ADHD (notably the low energy, overstimulation and social ineptitude aspects), being a victim of CSA, being depressed and terminally cynical/fatalistic, etc. surely compound things but I will either live the rest of my life being able to be nothing more than a NEET doing occupational piss joblets while raking in disability money, or I might as well end it all. No way my ego can tank that. Not mine. I don't even have the ability to engage in my own creative projects, because that, too requires effort and sooner or later I get tired out and stunlock myself.
Also, me apparently being attractive enough, despite how disagreeable my personality is and how socially inept I am, had always netted me enough attention from women so that I never had to make a first move or really doubt my looks, but what is that worth? I couldn't show true love even if I tried. As time marches on I'm gonna lose that charm anyways, and I'm incapable of providing any value to anyone.
So I basically went through most of my life thinking I was better than the average Joe and that it would all just be a matter of time before everything was at my fingertips, but it turns out I'm lower than even an insect. At least a bug in its simple, short lifespan will live and fights until the end.
Be honest, who can relate to this, even slightly? Lurking here I feel like I'm the only one who's this much of an entitled failure.

 

[sufferingsensless]

I totally understand you, I also as a kid had a IQ test done by a professional and even though I was being lazy and purposely sometimes not answering questions on the test because I wanted to revolt I still ended up scoring 138 points which isn't really high but well above average and who knows maybe if I really have the test my all it might be more but I actually doubt my results because just like you I haven't done anything with my life but waste it and succumb to my human desires and irrational pulls like gambling and sex and just indulging in pleasure, now that I got a grip on that a bit it's looking better but I feel like I can't resist my humanness and that I still deeply crave pleasures.

That's why I want out I can't stand being human and especially in this cruel world.

 

[offtoseethewizard]

This is me exactly. Tested at 153, then I never put effort into anything and thought every decision I made was right because I was so 'smart'. Including ruining my brain with psychedelics.

And I just find my behaviour revolting looking back on how much of a pompous ass I was.

 

[Remanant]

I understand you brother. I've felt like a genius for pretty much my entire childhood although I've never achieved anything remarkable. I started faltering as I grew older and completely stopped studying in high school and started making a bunch of excuses. My main excuse was "Burnt-out gifted kid syndrome" and I used that shit to justify my failures. I started to make that my entire personality and started whining about how society put too many expectations on me instead of quitting the bullshit and start studying. Wasted 2 years like that, watching youtube videos about the topic, listening to playlists and making comments whining and complaining about my "syndrome", contributing to r/gifted- an echo chamber of pretentious idiots. That's the thing right, all these so called gifted people (myself included) may have done something minor like winning a spelling bee in elementary school and we let that shit get to our head and think that we're better than the rest of the people around us for the rest of our pathetic lives. Well, I realized my stupidity when I failed all the competitive exams in my country and managed to end up in one of the country's worst universities. All the people that I had ridiculed had managed to get into top unis. A scholarship was my only hope since I'm not financially well-off and I fucked that up too- wasting my parents' money and my time.Now I live my days drinking and wasting time on the internet. I've been applying to a couple of companies but no one has ever called back. College tier is a very important thing in my country and since I got into a shit uni, most of the companies don't even let me sit for an interview. There are a lot of reasons pulling me back from wanting success mainly my financial condition(or maybe i'm saying that i'm poor as an excuse too). Truth be told, I kinda lost hope somewhere in my teenage years, like i couldn't give a fuck about life anymore and became a nihilist and ruined my life in a downward spiral. I know that there are people who have it a lot worse than me yet they're not justifying their shortcomings. I do not have Asperger's and ADHD like you do and you have nothing but my utmost respect for even being here despite these medical conditions. The fact that you're still here despite CSA is something I could have never done. Maybe it will get better. For you and me both. Or maybe this is just how the world works. Someone has to lose right? But yeah I'll probably try a bit more before I finally call quits and ctb. I hope you find the peace you're seaching for as well. Take care.

 

[ManByTheRiver]

I was always hailed as a smart kid and a smart adult, and I'm thankful the only expectation that was set on me was to finish high school, then I could do whatever I want to with my life direction. I did go further by my own choice. But all I can say is that the change has to start from you. You have to take responsibility for developing slowly. It's not easy, it's not fun, and it's very scary. I still have tendencies to just give up if something doesn't fit neatly into my schedule, but like that I will not be able to get further. Just have to bite down harder and take the punishment.
Neurological disorders do make it harder though, and I'm not blaming you for not having tried to, or if you're not able to do the same thing as me. I had my bottoms, but nothing was holding me down from coming back up like that apart from mental illness.

 

[gonegirl1]

I relate to this so much. I've always heard my mother say shit that made me feel more special than everyone like "when u were born the nurse said she would see you on television when she was older". Idk. I just feel I'm so narcissistic and always got things in life without effort just by using charm or faking to be interesting. I feel I have so much potential but am always too busy thinking I'm superior to others to act on it. Also depression always made me give up after trying the slightest bit, like it isn't even worth doing something, or I will make an effort just to receive attention afterwards for it.
I don't feel I'm capable of loving other beings (truly loving, not faking love) and that just makes me feel so alone and hating myself more and more, even if I have relationships with people, friends etc i just feel so fake and incapable of making true connections.

 

[SVEN]

As a fairly thick, everday guy who never excelled in anything, believe me I'm just as qualified as you in viewing myself as a failure. The only consolation I can offer is that on our life journey to this evaluation of ourselves you've at least had the consolation of being physically attractive, had girlfriends without effort and the knowledge that you are of above average intelligence even if you haven't capitalised on it.

 

[conflagration]

High intelligence and everything which comes in package with high iq is more an obstacle to happy life than an leg up.