Venting Just waiting

[StillWaiting]

At this point of time, I don't have any more energy to do anything anymore. My memory is so bad that I can barely remember anything.
There's nothing really making me to get myself together to ctb and also no longer hoping things will get better. It is tiring to wake up everyday to be fighting with your own demons by yourself

Just stuck here waiting for something bad to happen so that I will be forced to prepare to ctb.

Is there anyone else waiting for something to happen.

 

[a_strange_day]

Yes. Still waiting for final destruction. Harder than I thought. Seems like some people think they have to/can save me, maybe even see this as a personnal challenge. I've never been taken care of like this. If you need something/anything just ask...lol. But I don't want anything so I'm just slowly rotting away. Hopefully one day I will grow some balls and do what I should have done a long time ago.

 

[Yomyom]

I'm waiting for the day that I'll discover I have Cancer, I will celebrate so much

 

[StillWaiting]

Yes. Still waiting for final destruction. Harder than I thought. Seems like some people think they have to/can save me, maybe even see this as a personnal challenge. I've never been taken care of like this. If you need something/anything just ask...lol. But I don't want anything so I'm just slowly rotting away. Hopefully one day I will grow some balls and do what I should have done a long time ago.

How do you get by day by day while waiting ?

I'm waiting for the day that I'll discover I have Cancer, I will celebrate so much

Can't imagine the pain you have to get through just to die from cancer tho..

 

[Yomyom]

Can't imagine the pain you have to get through just to die from cancer tho

I know it's very painful, but I want to die so much and I just can't do it.
It also will be less sad than suicide for my family

 

[a_strange_day]

How do you get by day by day while waiting ?

I've been in a pretty constant state of apathy for the last months so nothing really matters anymore. Just existing.

 

[StillWaiting]

I've been in a pretty constant state of apathy for the last months so nothing really matters anymore. Just existing.

I am trying my best to just exist but everything around me is driving me insane. Have you got a plan alr?

 

[a_strange_day]

I am trying my best to just exist but everything around me is driving me insane. Have you got a plan alr?

Yes I have everything ready for a peaceful death, I just have to find the strengh to go through with it. It will happen eventually. I was like you still less than a year ago, couldn't stand anything, most days were unbeareable. Then one day when I was at my lowest something happened. From that point I started to not care for anything anymore, like if I was already dead and nothing was important. Rn I am still in this state of profound apathy so I don't really mind about life or death. Today, in two years whats the difference when you've become some sort of a basic organism/zombie whose the only goal is eat/sleep and repeat...

 

[Sensei]

Can't imagine the pain you have to get through just to die from cancer tho..

There's one advantage with contracting cancer, though. No one will blame you if you commit suicide.

 

[faraway_beach]

I HAVE cancer, biopsy confirmed it, but it's going unusually slowly. Last summer my doctors were flabbergasted that I'm not dead yet.

I feel that my life is on hold now. I'm in NYC on lockdown. I feel no other health issue except Covid-19 can be addressed right now. I feel I can't even CTB while the city is readying makeshift morgues to accommodate Covid victims.

 

[StillWaiting]

I HAVE cancer, biopsy confirmed it, but it's going unusually slowly. Last summer my doctors were flabbergasted that I'm not dead yet.

I feel that my life is on hold now. I'm in NYC on lockdown. I feel no other health issue except Covid-19 can be addressed right now. I feel I can't even CTB while the city is readying makeshift morgues to accommodate Covid victims.

You can't even get treatment for cancer due to Covid-19?

 

[faraway_beach]

You can't even get treatment for cancer due to Covid-19?

Frankly, I don't know. Health care in NYC is just really overloaded right now. Non-emergency care is being postponed whenever possible. I've been receiving only palliative care all along, which was my choice. At the moment that consists of enzymes and medical marijuana, and I have not tried to refill those recently. I don't know what would happen if it suddenly took a turn for the worse; chemo/surgery would obviously require PPE, and I don't even know if I could get stronger painkillers if I needed them.

I meant to address @Yomyom, because I had the impression s/he thought cancer would remove the need to actively CTB.. I thought the same thing at first, but my cancer has been oddly "indolent" so far (my doctor's word).

 

[Yomyom]

Frankly, I don't know. Health care in NYC is just really overloaded right now. Non-emergency care is being postponed whenever possible. I've been receiving only palliative care all along, which was my choice. At the moment that consists of enzymes and medical marijuana, and I have not tried to refill those recently. I don't know what would happen if it suddenly took a turn for the worse; chemo/surgery would obviously require PPE, and I don't even know if I could get stronger painkillers if I needed them.

I meant to address @Yomyom, because I had the impression s/he thought cancer would remove the need to actively CTB.. I thought the same thing at first, but my cancer has been oddly "indolent" so far (my doctor's word).

I hope you feel well.
I do believe in all my heart that cancer will be my solution to my prayers.
Let's just say that for me natural death from Disease will be much more peaceful for me than N.
I want to die so much but I don't have the courage to do it, so disease is a solution for me

 

[faraway_beach]

I hope you feel well.
I do believe in all my heart that cancer will be my solution to my prayers.
Let's just say that for me natural death from Disease will be much more peaceful for me than N.
I want to die so much but I don't have the courage to do it, so disease is a solution for me

Disease is so inconsiderate. It takes people who want to live, but not us.