Vlad Tepes
Experienced
- Jun 24, 2025
- 259
I suffer from very severe mood swings, and, unsurprisingly given my AuDHD, I have a tendency to have these really distinct, intense "phases", where I feel like I become a completely different person every few months (or even weeks). The things that change with these phases includes, of course, my attitude towards ctb. Although there have been no periods where I don't hate my life / where I'm not passively suicidal, my willingness to ctb definitely swings and is very unstable.
Ill just give a brief rundown of this year alone. This summer I was fully committed to it. It was on my mind 24/7. Then I attempted in August, but my survival instincts kicked in, and for the next month and a half I felt like that experience of staring death in the face had removed any willingness on my part to ctb. For that next month and a half, the idea of ctb seemed so alien to me that I couldn't really comprehend the fact that I had ever tried to go through with something like that. Then during the beginning of October I experienced some very severe abuse from my parents that drove me towards an even more unceasing desire to ctb than I had had during the summer. I didnt have access to anything, however, so I couldnt have gone through with it, as much as I wanted to. Then by the middle of October that desire had entirely subsumed. It was once again utterly foreign to me now. I had gone from blinding suicidality to practically wanting to live forever in the span of 2 weeks! I know myself well enough, however, and so over the course of the past month, despite not being actively suicidal, I have purchased the things I need to ctb with SN, for when I do have my next burst of blinding suicidality. All I need as of now are benzos and meto.
I hate this "inbetween" stage that I'm presently in where I don't want to be alive, but I don't have the blinding urge to ctb like I did during the summer or the beginning of October. I'm just stuck waiting for the next trigger that will make my attitude on life do a 180 to where I don't want to do anything other than end it all. I know that such a phase will come, and I know it will be the last, for I will have everything I need by then. But I just don't know when it's going to come. I guess it's kind of funny how I see so many posts on here from people talking about how they want to get better, meanwhile the only thing I want is for my mental state to deteriorate, lol.
Ill just give a brief rundown of this year alone. This summer I was fully committed to it. It was on my mind 24/7. Then I attempted in August, but my survival instincts kicked in, and for the next month and a half I felt like that experience of staring death in the face had removed any willingness on my part to ctb. For that next month and a half, the idea of ctb seemed so alien to me that I couldn't really comprehend the fact that I had ever tried to go through with something like that. Then during the beginning of October I experienced some very severe abuse from my parents that drove me towards an even more unceasing desire to ctb than I had had during the summer. I didnt have access to anything, however, so I couldnt have gone through with it, as much as I wanted to. Then by the middle of October that desire had entirely subsumed. It was once again utterly foreign to me now. I had gone from blinding suicidality to practically wanting to live forever in the span of 2 weeks! I know myself well enough, however, and so over the course of the past month, despite not being actively suicidal, I have purchased the things I need to ctb with SN, for when I do have my next burst of blinding suicidality. All I need as of now are benzos and meto.
I hate this "inbetween" stage that I'm presently in where I don't want to be alive, but I don't have the blinding urge to ctb like I did during the summer or the beginning of October. I'm just stuck waiting for the next trigger that will make my attitude on life do a 180 to where I don't want to do anything other than end it all. I know that such a phase will come, and I know it will be the last, for I will have everything I need by then. But I just don't know when it's going to come. I guess it's kind of funny how I see so many posts on here from people talking about how they want to get better, meanwhile the only thing I want is for my mental state to deteriorate, lol.
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