Just venting

[DeathSleep]

I have been trying to make the best of my time here so that things don't get worse than they are. I started a new job and everybody seems hopeful and happy for me. The few people left in my life anyways. But I still very much want to ctb. I have no one to talk to about it except here. My therapist cares about me and I feel like it hurts her to hear that I want to die. Plus I don't want to go to the psych ward again. I feel so stuck. I've had failed attempts and I don't want to fail again. I wish I could just switch spots with someone who was dying but actually wants to live. I would die for them gladly. I wish things made me happy anymore. The thought of possibly living another 35 years or more fills me with anxiety. I don't think I'll ever get to a point again where I don't regularly think about suicide.
I've been taking small steps towards getting a gun. The smallest steps to do anything are just so difficult right now though. It's a struggle to do anything. I think I can get a gun though because while I've been to the psych ward, I've never been committed. So, as long as I keep moving forward with the permit, I should succeed from what I understand. It would be such a relief to get my hands on a gun. Then I could go at any time.
I feel so lonely. I don't feel close to anyone. I just want to die. I'm over this life.

 

[hypercones]

Sorry to hear. Have you talked to your therapist about medication at all? SSRIs were never a silver bullet for me but they did help a little in seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you eventually find what you search for, I also feel dread at the thought of being trapped here for potentially decades, the thought of such a thing is so horrible to me so of course it's really understandable just wishing to be free.

 

[Unattainable666]

I'm so sorry this fucked up world has brought you to this point. I feel the same way the sooner I ctb the better off I will be