celestestar
they/them
- Mar 29, 2023
- 2
tw for sh mention
hi. im just gonna get some shit abt my friends and relationships off my chest an stuff so dont mind me. thisll be long
i feel like they dont care about me. like, i know they do but i also just think they dont. theyre always saying shit like u can always talk to me but i dont wanna burden them w me being miserable all the fucking time. like they dont understand if i really went to them when i was feeling depressed and suicidal an shit theyd b getting long ass vents from me everyday and i dont wanna drag them down or make them sad or stress them out or anything.
but they dont reach out to me. like, i'll be very obviously depressed. at least once a week at school ill just be obviously miserable, and they'll mention how miserable and sad i look, and they'll notice how hostile im being and how im not talking to them, but they wont ask if im okay.
they'll just straight up ignore me. they'll talk to other people, just leave, and go and talk to their other friends. it makes me so fucking miserable. whenever im in those states i cant physically get myself out of them by talking first i just need someone else there to at least show me that they care and will wait for me and shit but they always leave. today at break one of my friends just left to hang out w another group and the other one left me after a few mins of me not saying anything. like. ask if im okay, please, im fucking begging its all i want.
all i want is to be asked if im okay, but they never do. that one friend really fucking grinds my gears tbh she never acts like she cares about me. she'll say stuff like how if i ctb she'd be super duper sad and miserable but she never fucking shows that. on the rare occasion i do actually vent to her abt my feelings (never in a serious way mind u, im always including jokes and trying to make my misery as light hearted as possible) she will always. without fail. relate it back to herself. i realise that she could just be trying to show me that im not alone but the topic always shifts from me to her and it really annoys me. like, im on the verge of suicide bruh im not in the right headspace to be comforting you. i feel like it's so easy to just be like yeah thats shit im really sorry ur going thru that ily and im here for u. like that's really all i want but i never get it. i just get her joking abt it and moving on like its not important. and yeah, ik that i make the conversation jokey and lighthearted but that's me. that's how i cope an deal w the shit im going thru. idk im probably just being an asshole but it hurts
she just moves on to doing something else w out even trying to comfort me. i get that its uncomfortable but im seriously fucking miserable and all i need is to know that someone cares about me, but she never asks. she just leaves.
my other friend is nicer in ways. she'll ask if im ok sometimes but, never really seriously. and she'll just move on. she's also kind of mean actually lol she kinda awakens smth in me that just makes me an awful person like, whenever we're together we are just so negative to everyone else and idk if i like that. ik i cant blame her because im partaking in that shit but whenver im done hanging out w her a lot of the time ill just feel gross. i feel like she'll fucking expose me to everyone if we drift apart or fight or smth. im kind of scared of her.
she also does shit that rlly hurts me and i feel like she knows it does. like, there's this other girl that i'm close friends w and obsessed w. i do this thing where i will become completely fucking enamoured w someone, sometimes romantically sometimes not, but i will do nothing but think about them, think about talking to them, and i just get so happy when we do talk. like euphoric fucking squealing and kicking my feet like a school girl lmao. but then also if something even SLIGHTLY uncomfortable or negative happens, like she doesnt reply to my msg but replies to someone else, or acts just very slightly disinterested in the convo or even talks to other people i get. so fucking upset and angry i just cant do anything and it consumes me.
my friend knows about this. i've told her, briefly, abt how obsessive i get and how obsessed i currently am with this one specific person. and she took that and is using it to fuck with me.
she never really wanted to be close w the other girl (i'll just call her cat and my friend emily to make this easier), until i did. only until i started regularly talking to cat and talking to emily abt how crazy i am abt her emily started to get closer w cat.
emily knows how prone i am to jealousy, she knows how fucking insane i get over this shit, but she still taunts me. she'll flaunt cats messages to her and tease that she likes her more, that shes ignoring me on purpose and messaging her instead cuz she finds me annoying. she'll be like 'oh cat didnt msg u? well she msged me.' she'll pull out her phone and show just how much they talk and how well they get along. in public they can talk so easily and emily is always all over cat and it makes me want to kill her. i would never actually, but, i cant help but fantasise about beating the fuck out of her until i wipe that smug fucking look off her face.
one time that rlly sent me spiraling was when my friend i mentioned earlier, i'll call her rose, went to cat's workplace and ordered food and cat wrote a msg on the bag, smth along the lines of 'tell celeste (me) i miss them and ur cool 2 ig'. it didn't mention emily in it at all and when emily saw that she got angry. i was so fucking happy. like, i cant explain the fucking euphoria i was feeling in that moment. i was blushing so hard and giggling and just really genuinly happy for a minute. and then emily said that cat actually hates me and whenever i'm talking to emily breaking down about how cat is ignoring me she's actually messaging emily instead.
that really fucking crushed me. like, i cut myself over it and just sat there bordering on a panic attack. emily said she was joking but. that shit still lingers w me and i dont know if i believe her. and emily must fucking know how that shit effects me, everytime she brings up her talking to/hanging out w cat i always just shut down or leave or dont respond. i play up my 'stalker obsessed' thing arnd the group as a joke, like whenever cat and emily make flirty jokes towards each other ill just go insane in a jokey way but i feel like since emily knows how obsessed i am w cat she should understand im not joking and to just calm down and stop taunting me w that shit. she's mentioned exposing how obsessed i am w cat if i didn't do certain things for her and i just. i dont know. i get shes probably joking but she's just kind of a dickhead and some of the shit she says/does rlly kills me lol. obviously she's allowed to talk to whoever she wants to, she's friends w cat too, but she always shows and tells me abt every interaction
im gonna talk about cat now. cat is the nicest friend i have right now. it's easy to talk to her, we can talk for hours. during the holidays we used to talk and call everyday but now we've kinda drifted a lil since school started again. we're closer again now, though, sometimes she'll actually initiate convos instead of me patherically crawling to her lmao so im really happy.
cat always noticed when i was sad. even when we weren't super close she would notice. she'd ask me if im okay and hold my hand and actually be there for me and shit. like she's genuine, she's always letting me know that she's there for me. one time when we were hanging out w the group i kind of let out how suicidal i am to her and she was super sweet and supportive and let me lay on her shoulder and it was so nice i love her so fucking much.
but she moved schools this year, and now i'm just crushed. like, i wish i could talk to her everyday in person, i wish i could see her and have her there because she's so fun and just brings life to the room and nothings the same without her. school is boring, i hate everyone there pretty much, i dont look forward towards breaks cuz its really just not the same sitting around w a bunch of ppl w out cat there. whenever im at school feeling utterly miserable i always think abt how she would notice, how she'd comfort me, how she'd make me laugh and feel better. she's just so smart and funny and nice and i just love her.
i dont really know where im going w this tbh. . ive typed enough by now so ithink that's all i have to say. thanks for reading this big ass thing if u did lmao
not looking for advice or anything btw just wanted to let my thoughts out for once
hi. im just gonna get some shit abt my friends and relationships off my chest an stuff so dont mind me. thisll be long
i feel like they dont care about me. like, i know they do but i also just think they dont. theyre always saying shit like u can always talk to me but i dont wanna burden them w me being miserable all the fucking time. like they dont understand if i really went to them when i was feeling depressed and suicidal an shit theyd b getting long ass vents from me everyday and i dont wanna drag them down or make them sad or stress them out or anything.
but they dont reach out to me. like, i'll be very obviously depressed. at least once a week at school ill just be obviously miserable, and they'll mention how miserable and sad i look, and they'll notice how hostile im being and how im not talking to them, but they wont ask if im okay.
they'll just straight up ignore me. they'll talk to other people, just leave, and go and talk to their other friends. it makes me so fucking miserable. whenever im in those states i cant physically get myself out of them by talking first i just need someone else there to at least show me that they care and will wait for me and shit but they always leave. today at break one of my friends just left to hang out w another group and the other one left me after a few mins of me not saying anything. like. ask if im okay, please, im fucking begging its all i want.
all i want is to be asked if im okay, but they never do. that one friend really fucking grinds my gears tbh she never acts like she cares about me. she'll say stuff like how if i ctb she'd be super duper sad and miserable but she never fucking shows that. on the rare occasion i do actually vent to her abt my feelings (never in a serious way mind u, im always including jokes and trying to make my misery as light hearted as possible) she will always. without fail. relate it back to herself. i realise that she could just be trying to show me that im not alone but the topic always shifts from me to her and it really annoys me. like, im on the verge of suicide bruh im not in the right headspace to be comforting you. i feel like it's so easy to just be like yeah thats shit im really sorry ur going thru that ily and im here for u. like that's really all i want but i never get it. i just get her joking abt it and moving on like its not important. and yeah, ik that i make the conversation jokey and lighthearted but that's me. that's how i cope an deal w the shit im going thru. idk im probably just being an asshole but it hurts
she just moves on to doing something else w out even trying to comfort me. i get that its uncomfortable but im seriously fucking miserable and all i need is to know that someone cares about me, but she never asks. she just leaves.
my other friend is nicer in ways. she'll ask if im ok sometimes but, never really seriously. and she'll just move on. she's also kind of mean actually lol she kinda awakens smth in me that just makes me an awful person like, whenever we're together we are just so negative to everyone else and idk if i like that. ik i cant blame her because im partaking in that shit but whenver im done hanging out w her a lot of the time ill just feel gross. i feel like she'll fucking expose me to everyone if we drift apart or fight or smth. im kind of scared of her.
she also does shit that rlly hurts me and i feel like she knows it does. like, there's this other girl that i'm close friends w and obsessed w. i do this thing where i will become completely fucking enamoured w someone, sometimes romantically sometimes not, but i will do nothing but think about them, think about talking to them, and i just get so happy when we do talk. like euphoric fucking squealing and kicking my feet like a school girl lmao. but then also if something even SLIGHTLY uncomfortable or negative happens, like she doesnt reply to my msg but replies to someone else, or acts just very slightly disinterested in the convo or even talks to other people i get. so fucking upset and angry i just cant do anything and it consumes me.
my friend knows about this. i've told her, briefly, abt how obsessive i get and how obsessed i currently am with this one specific person. and she took that and is using it to fuck with me.
she never really wanted to be close w the other girl (i'll just call her cat and my friend emily to make this easier), until i did. only until i started regularly talking to cat and talking to emily abt how crazy i am abt her emily started to get closer w cat.
emily knows how prone i am to jealousy, she knows how fucking insane i get over this shit, but she still taunts me. she'll flaunt cats messages to her and tease that she likes her more, that shes ignoring me on purpose and messaging her instead cuz she finds me annoying. she'll be like 'oh cat didnt msg u? well she msged me.' she'll pull out her phone and show just how much they talk and how well they get along. in public they can talk so easily and emily is always all over cat and it makes me want to kill her. i would never actually, but, i cant help but fantasise about beating the fuck out of her until i wipe that smug fucking look off her face.
one time that rlly sent me spiraling was when my friend i mentioned earlier, i'll call her rose, went to cat's workplace and ordered food and cat wrote a msg on the bag, smth along the lines of 'tell celeste (me) i miss them and ur cool 2 ig'. it didn't mention emily in it at all and when emily saw that she got angry. i was so fucking happy. like, i cant explain the fucking euphoria i was feeling in that moment. i was blushing so hard and giggling and just really genuinly happy for a minute. and then emily said that cat actually hates me and whenever i'm talking to emily breaking down about how cat is ignoring me she's actually messaging emily instead.
that really fucking crushed me. like, i cut myself over it and just sat there bordering on a panic attack. emily said she was joking but. that shit still lingers w me and i dont know if i believe her. and emily must fucking know how that shit effects me, everytime she brings up her talking to/hanging out w cat i always just shut down or leave or dont respond. i play up my 'stalker obsessed' thing arnd the group as a joke, like whenever cat and emily make flirty jokes towards each other ill just go insane in a jokey way but i feel like since emily knows how obsessed i am w cat she should understand im not joking and to just calm down and stop taunting me w that shit. she's mentioned exposing how obsessed i am w cat if i didn't do certain things for her and i just. i dont know. i get shes probably joking but she's just kind of a dickhead and some of the shit she says/does rlly kills me lol. obviously she's allowed to talk to whoever she wants to, she's friends w cat too, but she always shows and tells me abt every interaction
im gonna talk about cat now. cat is the nicest friend i have right now. it's easy to talk to her, we can talk for hours. during the holidays we used to talk and call everyday but now we've kinda drifted a lil since school started again. we're closer again now, though, sometimes she'll actually initiate convos instead of me patherically crawling to her lmao so im really happy.
cat always noticed when i was sad. even when we weren't super close she would notice. she'd ask me if im okay and hold my hand and actually be there for me and shit. like she's genuine, she's always letting me know that she's there for me. one time when we were hanging out w the group i kind of let out how suicidal i am to her and she was super sweet and supportive and let me lay on her shoulder and it was so nice i love her so fucking much.
but she moved schools this year, and now i'm just crushed. like, i wish i could talk to her everyday in person, i wish i could see her and have her there because she's so fun and just brings life to the room and nothings the same without her. school is boring, i hate everyone there pretty much, i dont look forward towards breaks cuz its really just not the same sitting around w a bunch of ppl w out cat there. whenever im at school feeling utterly miserable i always think abt how she would notice, how she'd comfort me, how she'd make me laugh and feel better. she's just so smart and funny and nice and i just love her.
i dont really know where im going w this tbh. . ive typed enough by now so ithink that's all i have to say. thanks for reading this big ass thing if u did lmao
not looking for advice or anything btw just wanted to let my thoughts out for once
