Venting just tying up loose ends

[february in alaska]

should be about 120-140 days from now. I have the plan narrowed down to the letter, supplies in hand or on the way, letters mostly drafted. part of me is so close to saying fuck it all and going through with it as soon as possible, but I need to hold off for a bit. in the meantime I'm going to start deleting accounts, emails, messages, getting rid of things I don't need, selling items where I can, having last conversations with old friends, all that shit. mostly, it's just waiting for now. I doubt I'll do anything worth much in the end, mostly just sitting around, smoking, blasting music 24/7, waiting for the end. spending time with family over the holidays is going to hurt like a bitch, but I know the last memories will be important for them.

I don't have anyone else to talk to about this stuff, obviously. I'm glad I have a place here to talk about it. the way our culture handles suicide forces people to CTB in the loneliest ways possible, unable to talk about it, unable to say proper goodbyes, unable to go painlessly in a way of their choosing. it's a lot easier when you have a place where you don't need to worry about hiding anything. it's helped me come to peace with a lot of things, over the last few weeks. I'm still getting anxiety over the anticipation of it but I feel more ready than I ever have before

 

[FuneralCry]

I hate how suicide is so stigmatised, it just leads to way more unnecessary suffering. I wish you the best of luck with your plans.

 

[SVEN]

Hope it all comes together and works out well for you.

 

[Enlighten]

Suicide is a stigmatic topic in any culture. I live in a mostly atheïst culture that isn't as tightly knitted together as Jews of Muslims are for instance. So you would think that you could talk more easily about it here, but it isn't really the case.
In any case, this forum is different. I would love to hear about what culture you reside in and what the reasons are for your desire to CTB.

 

[february in alaska]

Suicide is a stigmatic topic in any culture. I live in a mostly atheïst culture that isn't as tightly knitted together as Jews of Muslims are for instance. So you would think that you could talk more easily about it here, but it isn't really the case.
In any case, this forum is different. I would love to hear about what culture you reside in and what the reasons are for your desire to CTB.

That's interesting, but I guess it makes sense... at the end of the day all of these cultures are created and held together by the living.

As for me, I'm just from the midwestern US. There's a lot of Christian influence but otherwise it's just the culture of capitalism, where people only care about the quantity of life rather than the quality of life. Honestly, I don't have a great reason to CTB, I'm just very mentally ill and I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts and depression for as long as I can remember. I don't have any plans or ambitions or motivation to live and I'm a financial and emotional burden on my family. CTB'ing just seems like the best thing for everyone at this point.

 

[nozomu]

Have you done anything for estate planning? I really recommend it if you don't want to leave a pain in the ass for people you're leaving behind. I'm finishing mine up now.

Edit: even if you don't have significant assets you can still do something like a revocable living trust, and then in your pour over will, specify how you want your remains handled. It took me a few days to DIY this but I got it done!

 

[february in alaska]

Have you done anything for estate planning? I really recommend it if you don't want to leave a pain in the ass for people you're leaving behind. I'm finishing mine up now.

Edit: even if you don't have significant assets you can still do something like a revocable living trust, and then in your pour over will, specify how you want your remains handled. It took me a few days to DIY this but I got it done!

It's something I have looked into and do plan on... kind of? I don't really have anything of value, and right now I'm renting in an apartment. But I haven't looked into trusts or official wills and that sort of thing, so I'll have to get on that too. I'm curious how much of it has to be official official, with documentation and a lawyer and a signature and the whole shebang, or if a simple note will suffice.

 

[Enlighten]

That's interesting, but I guess it makes sense... at the end of the day all of these cultures are created and held together by the living.

As for me, I'm just from the midwestern US. There's a lot of Christian influence but otherwise it's just the culture of capitalism, where people only care about the quantity of life rather than the quality of life. Honestly, I don't have a great reason to CTB, I'm just very mentally ill and I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts and depression for as long as I can remember. I don't have any plans or ambitions or motivation to live and I'm a financial and emotional burden on my family. CTB'ing just seems like the best thing for everyone at this point.

Ok interesting. Your situation is kind of similar to mine now. I live in Belgium, where it's kind of the same, maybe a little less capitalistic, but still a capitalist country in essence.
Just like you, I don't really have great reasons to CTB. I'm technically healthy, not stupid and have a caring family/friend group. For me personally, it's more so that i don't want to live, rather than that i want to die.
I went to my therapist yesterday and she told me that anti-depressants might help. I don't know if you have experience with those?
On paper, it might help. If my mood barely changes because of the circumstances, it might just be a chemical imbalance and it might just help and maybe it could help you aswell?

 

[february in alaska]

Ok interesting. Your situation is kind of similar to mine now. I live in Belgium, where it's kind of the same, maybe a little less capitalistic, but still a capitalist country in essence.
Just like you, I don't really have great reasons to CTB. I'm technically healthy, not stupid and have a caring family/friend group. For me personally, it's more so that i don't want to live, rather than that i want to die.
I went to my therapist yesterday and she told me that anti-depressants might help. I don't know if you have experience with those?
On paper, it might help. If my mood barely changes because of the circumstances, it might just be a chemical imbalance and it might just help and maybe it could help you aswell?

I got put on 100mg/sertraline about a year ago and initially, the effects were absolutely insane. They didn't help my anxiety but practically cured my depression within a month (and yes.... I see the irony of saying that here, lmao). But two months ago it felt like they just expired. Poof. Stopped working entirely. I have no idea what changed, but they aren't doing shit for me anymore. If I had the money for it, I would definitely admit myself to psychiatric care or go to therapy, but I just kind of don't see the point anymore.

So I definitely recommend trying antidepressants, therapy, etc. for others if that's an option! I think they can help a lot, and I'm sure they could've done a lot for me. I just think I'm kind of past the point of caring about getting better.

 

[Enlighten]

I got put on 100mg/sertraline about a year ago and initially, the effects were absolutely insane. They didn't help my anxiety but practically cured my depression within a month (and yes.... I see the irony of saying that here, lmao). But two months ago it felt like they just expired. Poof. Stopped working entirely. I have no idea what changed, but they aren't doing shit for me anymore. If I had the money for it, I would definitely admit myself to psychiatric care or go to therapy, but I just kind of don't see the point anymore.

So I definitely recommend trying antidepressants, therapy, etc. for others if that's an option! I think they can help a lot, and I'm sure they could've done a lot for me. I just think I'm kind of past the point of caring about getting better.

I'm thinking you still have a little bit of hope in you, since you are planning a large timeframe before committing to executing CTB. If you just thought 100% pure dark, you would just do it right way, why not right?
Since you have the feeling that you have nothing to lose, why not try some things out like maybe other medication or seeing a therapist again. You might aswell get a loan because heck, you aren't gonna have to pay it if you're dead.
Even unconventional shit like psychedelics might give you some insight or some hope to keep going.
I'm doing this myself aswell: I tried out XTC recently and signed up to donate sperm. Would i normally do that? No, but heck why not.
If you have nothing to lose, you have everything to gain.

 

[february in alaska]

I'm thinking you still have a little bit of hope in you, since you are planning a large timeframe before committing to executing CTB. If you just thought 100% pure dark, you would just do it right way, why not right?
Since you have the feeling that you have nothing to lose, why not try some things out like maybe other medication or seeing a therapist again. You might aswell get a loan because heck, you aren't gonna have to pay it if you're dead.
Even unconventional shit like psychedelics might give you some insight or some hope to keep going.
I'm doing this myself aswell: I tried out XTC recently and signed up to donate sperm. Would i normally do that? No, but heck why not.
If you have nothing to lose, you have everything to gain.

Eh. I appreciate the thought, I honestly just... don't feel like it. I'm saving up money to give to my mother after I go, so I'm definitely not looking to spend money or gather debts, and I don't have the motivation to do much else. Recovery in any way shape or form just isn't something I'm interested in anymore. The timeframe is out of necessity more than anything; if if were more convenient to CTB tomorrow, I genuinely would. I'm actually pretty irritated that I'm going to be stuck here for the next few months, haha.

 

[Enlighten]

Eh. I appreciate the thought, I honestly just... don't feel like it. I'm saving up money to give to my mother after I go, so I'm definitely not looking to spend money or gather debts, and I don't have the motivation to do much else. Recovery in any way shape or form just isn't something I'm interested in anymore. The timeframe is out of necessity more than anything; if if were more convenient to CTB tomorrow, I genuinely would. I'm actually pretty irritated that I'm going to be stuck here for the next few months, haha.

I don't know your relationship with your mother, but 9/10 she would rather have debt than lose her child. I'm not trying to talk you into feeling guilty, but i'm just saying that that shouldn't be a big concern of yours.
CTB is never convenient. Since you want to do it "properly", that shows that you still care, at least about the other people around you, and so that means they probably care about you too.
Give it some thought & if you wanna discuss your thoughts, we'll be here.

 

[Longwalk]

should be about 120-140 days from now. I have the plan narrowed down to the letter, supplies in hand or on the way, letters mostly drafted. part of me is so close to saying fuck it all and going through with it as soon as possible, but I need to hold off for a bit. in the meantime I'm going to start deleting accounts, emails, messages, getting rid of things I don't need, selling items where I can, having last conversations with old friends, all that shit. mostly, it's just waiting for now. I doubt I'll do anything worth much in the end, mostly just sitting around, smoking, blasting music 24/7, waiting for the end. spending time with family over the holidays is going to hurt like a bitch, but I know the last memories will be important for them.

I don't have anyone else to talk to about this stuff, obviously. I'm glad I have a place here to talk about it. the way our culture handles suicide forces people to CTB in the loneliest ways possible, unable to talk about it, unable to say proper goodbyes, unable to go painlessly in a way of their choosing. it's a lot easier when you have a place where you don't need to worry about hiding anything. it's helped me come to peace with a lot of things, over the last few weeks. I'm still getting anxiety over the anticipation of it but I feel more ready than I ever have before

I am about 2 week away from ctb. I have gotten rig of most of my things. I am gonna label a few boxes of stuff that I will leave behind for certain people or for donations. All my supplies for ctb is ready. I haven wrote my good bye letters yet. It will just be one for who fund me and I am gonna mail one to my daughter. She lives 4000miles away. I am just gonna wait till after Thanksgiving ( yes Canadian). I think I should spend more time with people close to me but I mostly just want to be left alone. I sleep alot.
I don't really have anyone to talk to either. My family is a hide your feeling at all cost kinda family. And I am not close to any friends. So it's kinda nice to be able to talk here.

 

[nozomu]

It's something I have looked into and do plan on... kind of? I don't really have anything of value, and right now I'm renting in an apartment. But I haven't looked into trusts or official wills and that sort of thing, so I'll have to get on that too. I'm curious how much of it has to be official official, with documentation and a lawyer and a signature and the whole shebang, or if a simple note will suffice.

It depends on your state -- in mine, I was able to DIY all documents but I did have to get them witnessed and notarized.

 

[inanotherlife]

you definitely aren't alone with having to wait. remember that the memories will help you too knowing it's the last. I'm always down to dm