just took 15 pills of Xanax (.50mg)

[aneurysm]

I know it won't kill me, I just needed a break.

I got an amazing career opportunity but I'm fucking it up. It's a remote job in a consulting firm but It's the most overwhelming thing in the world. I can't do it. Too much information to process. I just realized that I literally suck at being a consultant. It's over for me haha :').

Wow. Just WOW. Getting this far only to give up, what an idiot.

I did my best, I did my absolute best to get where I am today... to get this position. And here I am. I suck. My mind is too chaotic. I can't process this much data. I can't process this much information. I won't meet the deadline. I can't learn this new skill in time. I'm going to disappoint everyone. Nobody is going to invest in me ever again. Hihihihihihih

hahahahahahashjahahajahajajajsjjfjfjgjgjfjdjdjssjjddjdjjjffjgjjggjfj

 

[virginiawoolf]

hi daisy. im really sorry that you're very stressed out by this deadline. have you talked to colleagues / the team leader about this?

 

[aneurysm]

hi daisy. im really sorry that you're very stressed out by this deadline. have you talked to colleagues / the team leader about this?

I think I'm about t pass out.. hmm, not, not really. I'm worried that they'll view me as incompetent. I'm still in my trial period.. I don't know what to do

 

[Abir_london]

Oh man !! I'm so sorry!!
Please seek help immediately before you harm yourself:/

 

[sunsetintehwoods]

Oh, totally can relate, especially that part about taking stuff too serious.

Is it really so important opportunity for you? I mean if it's trial - you can just talk about and look around better place. But first - take care.

 

[virginiawoolf]

I think I'm about t pass out.. hmm, not, not really. I'm worried that they'll view me as incompetent. I'm still in my trial period.. I don't know what to do

oh no, sorry i didnt realise, you seemed very aware. please look after yourself. have you called docs? it doesn't seem fun to go thru a large quantity of benzos alone. hope you're physically alright.

and do ask for help in a professional environment if you need it. it looks good to be proactive i.e. to know your areas that are lacking, to work on improving them, to appreciate your team's expertise, etc. it's not failure at all :)

 

[thedevotee]

I agree with @virginiawoolf, asking for pointers doesn't necessarily mean you'll look incompetent. You're still on trial so it's natural to not know everything from the get go. Asking for clarification/guidance can also indicate that you're trying to take charge of the responsibilities assigned to you. Hope you're OK.

 

[aneurysm]

guys I totally forgot about this thread. I don't even remember making it at all. must be due to the overdose.

after taking the pills, I officially came out of my coma on Tuesday evening. I remember waking up before that but immediately collapsing back to sleep.

I have done that before so I wasn't afraid and didn't call the ambulance. I knew that I'd just be knocked out for a couple of days.
When I came out, I contacted my boss and explained her that I felt overwhelmed and needed more direction. She game them to me but I have a feeling that I made a big faux pas by waiting that long to ask for direction. I should have asked right away... you guys were right.

it doesn't seem fun to go thru a large quantity of benzos alone

it definitely isn't. When you wake up, you feel like shit your body feels messy.
But I'm okay now, thank you <3

 

[virginiawoolf]

i'm glad you're awake now & i really hope the stress of your job gets more manageable, look after yourself :)

 

[sunsetintehwoods]

Glad to see you again!

She game them to me but I have a feeling that I made a big faux pas

Rationally - you asked for direction and got it, so it's fine! Just will be easier next time.

 

[thedevotee]

Glad you're still here.

 

[HopelessFight]

Wait, are you sure you were in a coma? That seems just highly unlikely with such a low amount.

Good to see you here. Out of experience, please don't abuse benzo's like that.

 

[aneurysm]

coma

It's just to make it sound dramatic. I was just in a really deep sleep

Good to see you here. Out of experience, please don't abuse benzo's like that.

Thank you for caring <3

 

[Makko]

A consultant is a soldier of fortune. Be aggresive. Be mercantile. Be ambitious. If you feel you need tools or preconditions to do a better job, ask for them. If you need mentorship, ask for it. At the start of your career, you must actively seek to develop your skills and let everyone know how much you want to grow. Seniors appreciate forward and ambitious juniors because these are useful help. Seniors don't appreciate shy wet noodles because these are not useful help. As a junior you can afford to not be fully competent, nobody will be upset by that. Being junior is your only opportunity to make mistakes and learn. You won't be able to do this later in your career.

For a consultant, passivity is worse than failure. You are a mercenary paid to fight for your client. Fighting and losing is fine. Running away without fighting is not. Don't be cautious. Throw yourself into battle like a berserking viking. Imagine your future rewards. To move forward you must bloody yourself on the battlefield. Shock everyone with your savage determination. They'll love it.

 

[aneurysm]

Being junior is your only opportunity to make mistakes and learn

I'm 24. At what age will it be inappropriate for me to make mistakes? I feel like 24yo is already to old to make mistakes. What do you think?

 

[Mentalmick]

I'm 24. At what age will it be inappropriate for me to make mistakes? I feel like 24yo is already to old to make mistakes. What do you think?

I'm 47 and I make mistakes on an hourly basis. Just this morning I got soap in my eyes. Stung like a bastard.

 

[aneurysm]

I'm 47 and I make mistakes on an hourly basis. Just this morning I got soap in my eyes. Stung like a bastard.

yeah but at work it's different

 

[Mentalmick]

yeah but at work it's different

I'd dare say everyone makes mistakes at work at some point. There's nothing to be concerned about there. Well, unless it keeps happening then it's time for a new job.

 

[aneurysm]

A consultant is a soldier of fortune. Be aggresive. Be mercantile. Be ambitious. If you feel you need tools or preconditions to do a better job, ask for them. If you need mentorship, ask for it. At the start of your career, you must actively seek to develop your skills and let everyone know how much you want to grow. Seniors appreciate forward and ambitious juniors because these are useful help. Seniors don't appreciate shy wet noodles because these are not useful help. As a junior you can afford to not be fully competent, nobody will be upset by that. Being junior is your only opportunity to make mistakes and learn. You won't be able to do this later in your career.

For a consultant, passivity is worse than failure. You are a mercenary paid to fight for your client. Fighting and losing is fine. Running away without fighting is not. Don't be cautious. Throw yourself into battle like a berserking viking. Imagine your future rewards. To move forward you must bloody yourself on the battlefield. Shock everyone with your savage determination. They'll love it.

also, I feel like my biggest issue isn't on the level of technical or even soft skills. My issue is that I'm over-conscious of who my work is hurting. Like being a AI engineer and knowing you're hurting farmers or relationships or whatever (I'm not an engineer yet). I feel like all impression of magnification is an illusion.

It's just that I feel like my work is deeply meaningless at best, harming at worst. I can rationalise it and brainwash myself into thinking otherwise, but yeah life is shit.

Deep down, I just want to own a farm somewhere in the Sahara desert, close to the ocean and be surrounded by family, horses and flowers.

 

[Makko]

also, I feel like my biggest issue isn't on the level of technical or even soft skills. My issue is that I'm over-conscious of who my work is hurting. Like being a AI engineer and knowing you're hurting farmers or relationships or whatever (I'm not an engineer yet). I feel like all impression of magnification is an illusion.

It's just that I feel like my work is deeply meaningless at best, harming at worst. I can rationalise it and brainwash myself into thinking otherwise, but yeah life is shit.

Deep down, I just want to own a farm somewhere in the Sahara desert, close to the ocean and be surrounded by family, horses and flowers.

You must embrace the hurt. It's not "harming at worst". It's "who's harming the best". All work is a part of a system where people coercively take things from each other. Your purpose as a consultant is to become extremely good at this so that clients will pay you top dollar to help them with it. Your bleeding conscience won't reduce the pain in the world and helps no one. The further you go the more you'll find sadistic pleasure and accomplishment in whatever you're doing. The more pleasure you find the better you will become.

I recommend you this manga:

Teppuu manga

Ishidou Natsuo is a gifted girl who can achieve anything she wants in sports. Because of this she is permanently bored, as there aren’t any real challenges to her abilites to make her feel alive. One day she receives an invitation of a merry girl to join her martial arts club. Irritated by her...

www.mangago.me

I'm 24. At what age will it be inappropriate for me to make mistakes? I feel like 24yo is already to old to make mistakes. What do you think?

Age is secondary. How acceptable it is to make mistakes depends on your seniority level in your profession. There are many people at my work who are much older than me but also more junior professionally. They make a lot more mistakes than me and this is natural and acceptable. As you gain experience you'll become more skilled and be expected to make less mistakes.

 

[fred farkle]

what business are you in??