Just tired.

[NotSureToEndure]

I flick between being suicidal and not fairly often.

I've had bouts of depression throughout life, but majorly more so over the last few years. I used to just get the odd day or two.. maybe a week at most.

The reason I hate where i'm at the moment is I cannot find a diagnosis for any of my problems.. I don't think there is one to be fair. I've pretty much been told 'mind over matter' etc..

I've had a lot of tests, but only through pushing hard on the NHS to get investigated. It's all led to nothing, and i've been frequently told that that is reassuring. I mean sure, I don't think i'm dying, but why do I feel so uncomfortable in my body? I'm in good health apparently.. all my organs are working and all my limbs work. Yet I get so much acheing in my wrists particularly, which sucks.. cos it stops me relaxing and enjoying so many activities.

Well my most recent GP says "have you heard of fibromyalgia?" .... I know he meant well but I find these terms super vague and unhelpful and yes.. I've heard the term :-)

I feel like I have the full house with a nice dose of IBS as well. Along with pains I get in my body that can't be explained. It's got to the point where I find it hard to explain the pains because i've become so used to them being here.

I did find going on a super strict exclusion diet helped slightly with the IBS, but it led me to realise that basically introducing anything back in would trigger my issues again which makes me sad.

I love food.. I love cooking. I used to love travel, going out, working hard, playing hard. Living in the moment, genuinely.

Well I was doing all that until I started getting a weird abdominal pain that seemed to come in at seemingly random times. I went to the doctor and they suggested stomach acid. The pain became more nagging and the IBS got worse. So did my aches and pains. And my mood with it. I do have good days. I can still be social to a degree. But i'm finding it increasingly difficult to act like i'm okay, especially in work situations. I'm in a line of work that is very face to face, and very social. I work with lots of random people and companies all the time and it's very much a work hard/play hard ethic.

I find it hard to integrate myself like I used to, because i'm always compromising. Worrying about what i'll have to eat, and drink etc. Worrying about sleep. Trying to be careful what I put inside my body but it's hard to explain why i'm doing this.. because it doesn't actually make me feel much better.

I used to just go with the flow, but now it feels like I have to worry about it. 'IBS' is an absolute c*nt. I don't have any allergies. I don't have any disabilities. I've been told all my organs are fully functional.

So wtf is wrong with me. One day i've constipated and one day it's running like a fucking avalanche. Next day my hand feels like it hurts even to write a sentence or use the mouse for 5 minutes. I try stretching, massaging, resting, exercising etc.

I feel bad going on about my problems to other people and I think the way I cope with it is either acting i'm okay (to the best of my ability), or just avoiding certain situations so I don't have to explain why i'm not up for a big night out, or something equally fun. Problem is, my work is so sporadic, and I guess maybe it's the lack of routine that has led my body into feeling this way in my mid thirties.

I used to LOVE the lack of routine but i'm sure it's got to be the reason for why I feel in such a mixed up position both physically and mentally. Thing is I don't know what else I'd do for work. The work i do is absolutely booming at the moment, and I could work every day of the week if I wanted. Thing is I find myself overthinking.. worrying about whether i'm up the task. I'm still okay financially, for now, but it doesn't really help me solve anything. I also feel like my hands and wrists restrict certain jobs that I might take, but i don't have a good excuse for why I can't do them. So that adds to the anxiety as well.

It's hard to explain to a guy on site why you're struggling when you don't have a diagnosis.

I considered paying for private healthcare, but I actually have no idea who I'd talk to, and worry it might become a very expensive wild goose chase.

None of the anti acid medication helped. In fact some medication seemed to make it worse. This abdominal pain seems to come in worse with medication, drugs, alcohol. Anything that normally would be a relief.. right? I even found that taking propranolol for anxiety made the pain worse. I mention this to my GP and he looks at me like i'm mad.

I recently tried amitriptyline and i've tried nortriptyline in the past. They have some benefits. But I also feel like a zombie even on a low amounts. My visions gets worse (it's normally pretty good - my one salvation!). I feel less switched on and out of touch with whats going on around me.. urgh.. I don't think I want to go down that road again. But it's always the suggestion from GPs because it's the easy fix I guess.

I just can't figure out my issues. The curious positivity I used to have, that eagerness to find an answer.. it's slowly fading away. It's eaten away at my motivation to live and adventure and it sucks. I don't know who to talk to about this.

I always lived pretty positive. Looking on the bright side of things. I think most people see me this way on the outside. But it's so tiring pretending to be okay when you're not. If I try to explain my problems I find it so hard because they are so vague.

Fuck. I have the things I need to kill myself. But I have a longterm partner and I know it would absolutely destroy her if I went. She knows i've been unhappy and we do talk a lot, but I don't think she suspects me being suicidal. I feel so horribly guilty when I think about how I would do it. I was genuinely close the other day. I suddenly had a window of a few days where I could have easily booked a hotel and said I was working away. I was playing it out in my mind and was even browsing hotels. But then I got home and I suddenly felt super guilty.

I have never told anyone I'm suicidal. My mum killed herself when I was a teenager and I genuinely tried to live my life as positively as I could because of this. I used to think, fuck I could never kill myself because it sucks to lose someone. But now, 20 something years later, I feel myself closer and closer to suicide feeling like the logical solution.

Life is tiring man. I wish I could rewind 10 years and see if I could have steered myself towards a healthier path, but maybe I was destined to end up like this? Through all my tests and scans, not once has anyone indicated that there is anything wrong with me. That's the bit I really struggle with. I feel like i'm chasing a diagnosis that doesn't exist.

I feel so drained and broken and I genuinely feel lost. It would be so much easier to drink that N...

But actually doing it.. hmm. It all feels very final.

Apologies for the rant here. It's all a bit long and incoherent. But sometimes it's good to just get it out..

--

I don't reply much, but I do read a lot of posts here, and I hope you're all as okay as you can be right now <3

 

[Achlys]

I've never been subjected to physical ailments for which there were no diagnoses, but I can imagine how frustrating that must be. To be in pain, but to have no solution, and especially to lack a direction to focus one's efforts... It must feel awful. I sincerely hope you can resolve that which ails you.

And I agree; it can be so tiring putting up a facade to hide one's pain.

I don't know if you put up a facade at home just as you do outside, but perhaps you owe it to yourself and your partner to be more open about how you feel? I know I could not bear pretending to be "okay" even in the comfort of my own home.

In recent years, I've simply stopped trying to hide it.

 

[its-about-time]

The last 5-6 months I've also had the mystery physical ailment. I ended the hunt yesterday with my doctor. I feel like shit but it isn't killing me, and chasing the mystery has been exhausting, so I'm just going to live with it and quit complaining.

Maybe it's time for a big shift for you. You wrote an awful lot about how your job contributes to where you're at right now. Don't forget that stress can cause physical ailments, too (I get so angry when I'm told that, but it doesn't change that it's true). You could consider changing to a new less stressful company/work environment, or a new career, or whatever you feel drawn to?

 

[whatevs]

This is so relatable. A similar steady decline has happened to me over the course of 11 years with a chronic, absolutely debilitating illness that doesn't ever show up on tests etc. No, not having what's wrong with you in paper isn't reassuring, it's maddening and a sign that you might never recover, since current science cannot pick up your problem.

The only reason I have 1200 posts on this forum is because I'm chronically ill. Exclusively that. I disagree with Funeral Cry and others that bizarrely claim all life suffering. No. Some lives are mostly suffering, not all. If you are chronically ill, you have one of these...

And your instincts are correct. We did the wild goose hunt and wasted thousands of dollars in the process. Never found out what's wrong with me. Some things came up, however. My cortisol is high and I have heartbeat spikes at night, but no idea why, so there's not been any progress. The last doctor I'm seeing put me some shit on my mouth at night that just makes me sleep worse because supposedly the problem is that I have a tiny air passage in the trachea. I'm trying but it isn't working.

It takes everything from you. I don't even want to compare my old self with now like you did, it's too painful. It's the difference between the living and the dead, between a prisoner that gets tortured regularly and a free man.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering. To me it is so horrible how so many health conditions exist and that our bodies are capable of torturing us. I understand why you would be so tired, it must be really frustrating being unable to find a diagnosis. I wish you the best, I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever happens.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

The symptoms you list could be from any number of different gastro-intestinal ailments. I think you need to go to a GI specialist. And depression can take you down so low that it manifests itself in a variety of real physical symptoms. Some of the symptoms you present could be from a real physical ailment, and others from depression, totally unrelated to each other. I had a physical ailment once that took visits to four doctors before I finally found one who knew what she was talking about. She got me going on some medication and then recommended a specialist who took over.

 

[NotSureToEndure]

I've never been subjected to physical ailments for which there were no diagnoses, but I can imagine how frustrating that must be. To be in pain, but to have no solution, and especially to lack a direction to focus one's efforts... It must feel awful. I sincerely hope you can resolve that which ails you.

And I agree; it can be so tiring putting up a facade to hide one's pain.

I don't know if you put up a facade at home just as you do outside, but perhaps you owe it to yourself and your partner to be more open about how you feel? I know I could not bear pretending to be "okay" even in the comfort of my own home.

In recent years, I've simply stopped trying to hide it.

Yeah I feel like I'm in a state of limbo, not really knowing what to try and what to not. I feel like I've exhausted a very long list of things.. Including almost any usual wellbeing/lifestyle/health trick.

Every now and then I find something new to try and this occasionally gives me a mental boost due to the hope it creates.. Even if brief I guess that is good. However I feel recently I've really hit a wall, and after trying so many things I feel defeated.

I spoke to a doctor again recently and it just led to the same conclusion again. Nothing in particular! I find it very difficult to focus on what my ailment actually is, as it feels so wide-spread throughout my body. I'm sure I am depressed, but I am certain that if I didn't have these pains in my body I would be alot happier.

Fibromyalgia, IBS always come up. But no suggestion on how to deal with them. I don't know what they could suggest to be fair, so I don't begrudge the healthcare workers I have spoken with.

Suggestions are now more anti depressants. Or online CBT programmes which I have tried. Face to face is difficult for me as my work schedule is so sporadic. I haven't had a good experience with anti depressants so far. I've felt more suicidal whilst on them and disconnected even more so. If they solve one issue they seem to create two more for me.

I often think to myself.. What came first, the anxiety or the pain? Honestly I think it was the pain, but in the run up to the pain I think I was burning the candle at both ends. I thought I was enjoying life but I wonder if I was actually hiding my issues with drugs and fun.

My old coping mechanisms don't work anymore as they seem to make me feel worse.

Now after 3+ years of chasing a diagnosis I feel thoroughly worn out.

I was sort of lucky in the pandemic that I was unable to work, but received some compensation for this. Not a lot but enough to live.. And i was hardly spending so it was okay.

I was very privileged in this I know. It gave me a weird shelter for a while, whereby I wasn't exactly feeling great, but I was able to craft a routine that sort of worked and the pressure of the outside world felt far away.

Now I'm trying to be normal again and life has got busy, and I'm really struggling to reintegrate.

I feel shit for feeling like this but I can't avoid it. I dont know what I should try and I don't know who to talk to about it. I feel really guilty for not enjoying life like it seems those around me are.

So much work going for grabs at the moment and I feel like I'm just not embracing it. I do have a mad busy few weeks coming up though.. So it's either make or break I suppose

I tell my partner this stuff, but I haven't opened up about feeling suicidal. I try to be upbeat when I don't always feel it because I feel like I'm dragging her down. She is very supportive but I know she doesn't really know what to suggest.

It feels that once I open the door regarding suicide it would be very hard to close it.

I know there is never going to be an easy answer for if suicide is the right option.. and it's something I need to decide myself.

I'm sorry that you are suffering. To me it is so horrible how so many health conditions exist and that our bodies are capable of torturing us. I understand why you would be so tired, it must be really frustrating being unable to find a diagnosis. I wish you the best, I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever happens.

Thanks. It's tough isn't it. I know I'm not alone in this but I feel like I'm somewhere in that awkward bracket of people who seem to be fine and healthy but feel like they are broken.

I think I used to be good at covering up any issues I had. I was very much a get on with it sort of person for most my 20s, but at some point my stamina has derailed.

The symptoms you list could be from any number of different gastro-intestinal ailments. I think you need to go to a GI specialist. And depression can take you down so low that it manifests itself in a variety of real physical symptoms. Some of the symptoms you present could be from a real physical ailment, and others from depression, totally unrelated to each other. I had a physical ailment once that took visits to four doctors before I finally found one who knew what she was talking about. She got me going on some medication and then recommended a specialist who took over.

I went down a long road of GI investigation. It's all led to nought unfortunately! I think my IBS has got worse with my anxiety, but it's become very difficult to seperate my symptoms from my feelings and to be told there is nothing wrong with you is only so reassuring.

It all seemed to start with the abdominal pain, and everything else got worse around that.

I find it very hard to relax my mind and body now because I can't find a release. My sleep is not great which is making me worse for sure. I'm really being quite healthy in my lifestyle choices, probably healthier than I've ever been but I feel like I'm a mess.

I am sure that years of uncertainty and depression has led me to this point and now the only suggestion is anti depressants which I find cause me more problems.

I recently tried an exclusion diet which helped with my ibs symptoms, but made no difference to my abdominal pain or muscle aches. It's these things that upset me the most and I don't know who to talk to about it. I feel I've been down so many pathways of care that now they have nothing else to suggest.

 

[Achlys]

It feels that once I open the door regarding suicide it would be very hard to close it.

It is easier said than done, so I understand why you would be hesitant. If nothing else, should a time come when you feel closer to ctb than ever, perhaps consider opening the door then? If you're intent on leaving this world, what more can you lose?

Wishing you the best.

 

[NotSureToEndure]

It is easier said than done, so I understand why you would be hesitant. If nothing else, should a time come when you feel closer to ctb than ever, perhaps consider opening the door then? If you're intent on leaving this world, what more can you lose?

Wishing you the best.

Yeah I do need to think hard about this. Thanks for your advice it is much appreciated.