Droso
Born, survive, reproduce, die.
- Dec 23, 2024
- 144
I thought I knew what it was like to go through the motions of life just to keep myself alive.
There were times where I was so severely suicidal that people around me had to literally force me to take care of myself. I suppose I was rotting away at that point.
But even then, I don't think I have truly felt as if I was here *just to live* until this instant. And I don't know what came over me.
It wasn't sudden, nothing threw me into it. I kept observing everything around me. What was in the news. Reading philosophy. Talking to others. Honestly, to an outsider, I probably only look mildly depressed.
There is just a whole another level that I didn't realize I could reach. I would not describe this as a rock bottom. Perhaps a type of enlightenment? But it certainly doesn't feel like one. A better word I think is acceptance.
I accepted our reality. In the infinite probabilities that our universe and world could occur, they did. Out of an impossible chance, they did. The physics that allow this to be possible, all random chance that atoms would interact with each other and form complex structures. There is definitely some beauty in that. And at first I wanted to discover and learn more… but now, it just seems, all meaningless in retrospect.
I think Albert Camus really coped hard with his philosophy. To accept the absurdity of life and try to apply your own meaning is impossible. Not when you are just a gargantuan formation of molecules interacting with even bigger ones. You don't have the energy or force to do as you please and fulfill meaning. It took me a long time to realize and accept that.
So now suicide is not a daunting task to me. It is not something that I view as unnatural or a tragedy. Not when we are just a product of nearly impossible chances of existing that feeds on itself as a cycle. I recognize that my atoms and energy are not my own, they are fleeting. If I were to kill myself they would still be there. This is just the form I am currently taking.
So I eat, I drink, I use the bathroom and I sleep. I survive. And I do not survive out of fear, but out of acceptance. I understand that there is much beyond me I do not understand and it does not scare me anymore.
I look at all of the things that have miraculously happened out of infinite possibilities and it amazes me. I cannot even put human descriptors of good or bad anymore, morality has become absolute. These interactions cause complicated feelings such as pleasure and pain. If there is existence, this will always be. And that's ok.
But I think, I will be done with this form soon. Unfortunately I was born with transsexualism. As much as I try to recognize how insignificant the feelings of dysphoria are, it is still too much to bear at times. And if the suffering outweighs the pleasure, if the atoms become unbalanced, then I must take on another form.
This is not the end of me or any of us. We all live in a cycle. It is unfortunate that we must consume in this life to survive when it causes so much suffering. But I've accepted that is how it is. My conscious that I have now just does not align with that. Even if I accept it, I do not like it. There are many things I do not like. It is ironic that the subparticles of this world have advanced so far that they themselves have taken a dislike to their very existence. I do not know if that is counterproductive, but it is funny.
There were times where I was so severely suicidal that people around me had to literally force me to take care of myself. I suppose I was rotting away at that point.
But even then, I don't think I have truly felt as if I was here *just to live* until this instant. And I don't know what came over me.
It wasn't sudden, nothing threw me into it. I kept observing everything around me. What was in the news. Reading philosophy. Talking to others. Honestly, to an outsider, I probably only look mildly depressed.
There is just a whole another level that I didn't realize I could reach. I would not describe this as a rock bottom. Perhaps a type of enlightenment? But it certainly doesn't feel like one. A better word I think is acceptance.
I accepted our reality. In the infinite probabilities that our universe and world could occur, they did. Out of an impossible chance, they did. The physics that allow this to be possible, all random chance that atoms would interact with each other and form complex structures. There is definitely some beauty in that. And at first I wanted to discover and learn more… but now, it just seems, all meaningless in retrospect.
I think Albert Camus really coped hard with his philosophy. To accept the absurdity of life and try to apply your own meaning is impossible. Not when you are just a gargantuan formation of molecules interacting with even bigger ones. You don't have the energy or force to do as you please and fulfill meaning. It took me a long time to realize and accept that.
So now suicide is not a daunting task to me. It is not something that I view as unnatural or a tragedy. Not when we are just a product of nearly impossible chances of existing that feeds on itself as a cycle. I recognize that my atoms and energy are not my own, they are fleeting. If I were to kill myself they would still be there. This is just the form I am currently taking.
So I eat, I drink, I use the bathroom and I sleep. I survive. And I do not survive out of fear, but out of acceptance. I understand that there is much beyond me I do not understand and it does not scare me anymore.
I look at all of the things that have miraculously happened out of infinite possibilities and it amazes me. I cannot even put human descriptors of good or bad anymore, morality has become absolute. These interactions cause complicated feelings such as pleasure and pain. If there is existence, this will always be. And that's ok.
But I think, I will be done with this form soon. Unfortunately I was born with transsexualism. As much as I try to recognize how insignificant the feelings of dysphoria are, it is still too much to bear at times. And if the suffering outweighs the pleasure, if the atoms become unbalanced, then I must take on another form.
This is not the end of me or any of us. We all live in a cycle. It is unfortunate that we must consume in this life to survive when it causes so much suffering. But I've accepted that is how it is. My conscious that I have now just does not align with that. Even if I accept it, I do not like it. There are many things I do not like. It is ironic that the subparticles of this world have advanced so far that they themselves have taken a dislike to their very existence. I do not know if that is counterproductive, but it is funny.
