Just some thoughts. Hoping to hear from others.

[Unsure and alone]

I guess this is a mix of vent and hopefully discussion.

I'm physically sick and frustrated by it.
I feel relief knowing it won't be long until I can replace my stupid method of CTB with a good one.

My minds a mess I wish I weren't trapped with.
Too many emotions and not enough relief.
It's just a struggle to want to keep going.

I find myself sad .
Yet often unable to cry .
I wish the tears would flow because it's a different hurt than the one I'm feeling now.

I am wondering what all do you think should be considered for when / if to follow through on CTB ?

I wonder how do I even try and think about the many ramifications of CTBing ?

I think my biggest regrets if I do it soon will be these 4 things.
Not in any particular order.

1. Failing to protect my family and pets from the financial fallout of my death .
The pets I know they would miss me so much.
And that does break my heart when I think about that part of it.
Yet I am comforted to know the others would do everything possible to keep them safe and loved.

I'm mostly not too worried about my family's emotional reaction.
Because the darker it is the harder it is to believe I was ever more than a mistake to them.
That I could possibly truly matter to them .

Friends.
I don't know.
I have some close friends but there's so much physical distance now that it probably wouldn't ripple across their worlds as much .
I wonder would they know if I didn't say anything ?
Hard to know.
Very hard to predict the real outcome there.

2. Missing out on my last dream.

3 . That I failed to turn it around because I couldn't see another way out of hell .

4. All the things left undone. The promises unkept.

Location.
I think here where I'm writing this now .
No added expense .
I haven't really thought about that would mean they would find my body.
And the mess .

So umm maybe I'll have to give more thought to location.

What to say when you can't speak any longer isn't easy to find.

What do you even say when you decided you hurt more than you could endure ?


Timing.
I really don't know.
I don't want to have to rush it .
Part of me still wishes there was another way to end the pain.
So I guess as much as I'm hurting it's still a bit too early to follow through .

And so I wait and suffer .
Wondering can I achieve one last dream ?
Can this life get better ?
And does any of it even matter ?

Do the reasons why even matter anymore ?
Or just the way it hurts .
That holding on,
Just surviving is painful.

 

[boyinterrupted]

I sympathize with your reasons, especially pets, and dreams. i have a fear of my dog getting abandoned or ignored due to my death (though maybe I overestimate my value)
CTB'ing is permanent, (not invalid) whether you believe in an 'afterlife' or not. makes me wonder if attempting to achieve such goals and promises is worth it, since the plan is to CTB anyway...
all i say, be sure of your decision. if possible "live your life to the fullest." before you make your decision, you may think differently, or maybe not.
although, that's all situational, which is really unfortunate.

 

[Unsure and alone]

I sympathize with your reasons, especially pets, and dreams. i have a fear of my dog getting abandoned or ignored due to my death (though maybe I overestimate my value)
CTB'ing is permanent, (not invalid) whether you believe in an 'afterlife' or not. makes me wonder if attempting to achieve such goals and promises is worth it, since the plan is to CTB anyway...
all i say, be sure of your decision. if possible "live your life to the fullest." before you make your decision, you may think differently, or maybe not.
although, that's all situational, which is really unfortunat

Every life had to have value at some point. So don't sell yourself too short.
To your dog your probably the world.

Thanks for taking time to reply to me.

 

[Mayonaise]

1. Failing to protect my family and pets from the financial fallout of my death .

This is a recurring concern for many. I'm not in a relationship and I don't have kids, my main concern is my mother.
If you take your own life your loved ones will suffer, there's no escape from that.
The only thing I can recommend is making sure they understand why you did that - so please consider leaving notes.

Location.
I haven't really thought about that would mean they would find my body.

Many people choose hotel rooms or parked cars for the same reason

Timing.
I really don't know.
I don't want to have to rush it .
Part of me still wishes there was another way to end the pain.
So I guess as much as I'm hurting it's still a bit too early to follow through .

You know the answer already: you don't want to rush things.
IMHO, having some more time can help you in many ways:
- Giving recovery one more chance, if you believe it may be worth it
- Deciding whether or not you're going to leave goodbye notes, and eventually what to write
- If you really decide to end your life, you can read more about your method as to minimize chances of survival with permanent damage

Sorry if I can't be of more help, I can only give advice. To me, it looks like you need some more time.

 

[a.fool]

Every life had to have value at some point. So don't sell yourself too short.
To your dog your probably the world.

Thanks for taking time to reply to me.

I feel like there's still hope in you to live.
I won't force you for anything but if you want to give recovery a shot, try to recover.

 

[matt1968]

You've shown great strength - all my respect to you.

It's so painful being in this space.

All the very best to you.

 

[casual_existence]

I guess this is a mix of vent and hopefully discussion.

I'm physically sick and frustrated by it.
I feel relief knowing it won't be long until I can replace my stupid method of CTB with a good one.

My minds a mess I wish I weren't trapped with.
Too many emotions and not enough relief.
It's just a struggle to want to keep going.

I find myself sad .
Yet often unable to cry .
I wish the tears would flow because it's a different hurt than the one I'm feeling now.

I am wondering what all do you think should be considered for when / if to follow through on CTB ?

I wonder how do I even try and think about the many ramifications of CTBing ?

I think my biggest regrets if I do it soon will be these 4 things.
Not in any particular order.

1. Failing to protect my family and pets from the financial fallout of my death .
The pets I know they would miss me so much.
And that does break my heart when I think about that part of it.
Yet I am comforted to know the others would do everything possible to keep them safe and loved.

I'm mostly not too worried about my family's emotional reaction.
Because the darker it is the harder it is to believe I was ever more than a mistake to them.
That I could possibly truly matter to them .

Friends.
I don't know.
I have some close friends but there's so much physical distance now that it probably wouldn't ripple across their worlds as much .
I wonder would they know if I didn't say anything ?
Hard to know.
Very hard to predict the real outcome there.

2. Missing out on my last dream.

3 . That I failed to turn it around because I couldn't see another way out of hell .

4. All the things left undone. The promises unkept.

Location.
I think here where I'm writing this now .
No added expense .
I haven't really thought about that would mean they would find my body.
And the mess .

So umm maybe I'll have to give more thought to location.

What to say when you can't speak any longer isn't easy to find.

What do you even say when you decided you hurt more than you could endure ?


Timing.
I really don't know.
I don't want to have to rush it .
Part of me still wishes there was another way to end the pain.
So I guess as much as I'm hurting it's still a bit too early to follow through .

And so I wait and suffer .
Wondering can I achieve one last dream ?
Can this life get better ?
And does any of it even matter ?

Do the reasons why even matter anymore ?
Or just the way it hurts .
That holding on,
Just surviving is painful.

What sickness do you have if you don't mind me asking?

I guess this is a mix of vent and hopefully discussion.

I'm physically sick and frustrated by it.
I feel relief knowing it won't be long until I can replace my stupid method of CTB with a good one.

My minds a mess I wish I weren't trapped with.
Too many emotions and not enough relief.
It's just a struggle to want to keep going.

I find myself sad .
Yet often unable to cry .
I wish the tears would flow because it's a different hurt than the one I'm feeling now.

I am wondering what all do you think should be considered for when / if to follow through on CTB ?

I wonder how do I even try and think about the many ramifications of CTBing ?

I think my biggest regrets if I do it soon will be these 4 things.
Not in any particular order.

1. Failing to protect my family and pets from the financial fallout of my death .
The pets I know they would miss me so much.
And that does break my heart when I think about that part of it.
Yet I am comforted to know the others would do everything possible to keep them safe and loved.

I'm mostly not too worried about my family's emotional reaction.
Because the darker it is the harder it is to believe I was ever more than a mistake to them.
That I could possibly truly matter to them .

Friends.
I don't know.
I have some close friends but there's so much physical distance now that it probably wouldn't ripple across their worlds as much .
I wonder would they know if I didn't say anything ?
Hard to know.
Very hard to predict the real outcome there.

2. Missing out on my last dream.

3 . That I failed to turn it around because I couldn't see another way out of hell .

4. All the things left undone. The promises unkept.

Location.
I think here where I'm writing this now .
No added expense .
I haven't really thought about that would mean they would find my body.
And the mess .

So umm maybe I'll have to give more thought to location.

What to say when you can't speak any longer isn't easy to find.

What do you even say when you decided you hurt more than you could endure ?


Timing.
I really don't know.
I don't want to have to rush it .
Part of me still wishes there was another way to end the pain.
So I guess as much as I'm hurting it's still a bit too early to follow through .

And so I wait and suffer .
Wondering can I achieve one last dream ?
Can this life get better ?
And does any of it even matter ?

Do the reasons why even matter anymore ?
Or just the way it hurts .
That holding on,
Just surviving is painful.

What sickness do you have if you don't mind me asking

 

[Abyssal]

I am wondering what all do you think should be considered for when / if to follow through on CTB ?

I suppose I always keep an open mind on this forum, no matter how bad a person's situation may be their feelings towards it are genuine. If someone is willing to ctb then they must've been in a lot of pain, and that to me is enough.

WHO do I think shouldn't ctb? People who don't want to. Also minors because the school setting is shitty and getting out of it might help.

 

[Unsure and alone]

What sickness do you have if you don't mind me asking?

What sickness do you have if you don't mind me asking

Oh probably just a variation of a cold,
But the kind that has burning up , shivering, dry heaving because apparently there's not enough to actually vomit, struggling to breathe and crushing fatigue .
Yet somehow I still had to take something because of insomnia.

Thankfully the antibiotic is helping and I was up to a lot more Today.

I know if others where to chime in they would have told me to knock it off the first time I was physically struggling again but the depression let me out for a rare few hours so I didn't.

Got out of the house for the first time in the last 3 days.

But everything has crashed back to miserable no

You've shown great strength - all my respect to you.

It's so painful being in this space.

All the very best to you.

Thanks. I feel so very weak right now because I think others would be strong enough to not let it hurt like this and destroy so much.

That others would have already found a way to fix things .
At least some and moved on.

But I'm not.
I'm slowly fading evermore most of the time.
I got a rare few hours break from the dark Today.
But it's already so dark again.

I feel like there's still hope in you to live.
I won't force you for anything but if you want to give recovery a shot, try to recover.

I really don't know anymore.
Hurts so much to keep holding on
I am still trying with whatever time is left.
Even if it's only because I would really like to go to a certain event.
Or maybe because I wish things were different for who I used to be.
Or because it would be great if I didn't hurt like this.

Maybe I'll find a little bit of good in-between.
Today's few hours surprised me.

Yet I don't think I can stand waiting much longer than is necessary to get a viable means.

I don't have to drink it yet .
I guess cross that bridge when I come to it
And just get things ready for now .

Still so much I should consider more.
Sigh life is exhausting.

This is a recurring concern for many. I'm not in a relationship and I don't have kids, my main concern is my mother.
If you take your own life your loved ones will suffer, there's no escape from that.
The only thing I can recommend is making sure they understand why you did that - so please consider leaving notes.

Many people choose hotel rooms or parked cars for the same reason

You know the answer already: you don't want to rush things.
IMHO, having some more time can help you in many ways:
- Giving recovery one more chance, if you believe it may be worth it
- Deciding whether or not you're going to leave goodbye notes, and eventually what to write
- If you really decide to end your life, you can read more about your method as to minimize chances of survival with permanent damage

Sorry if I can't be of more help, I can only give advice. To me, it looks like you need some more time.

It did help some.
I'm considering what you said.
Thanks for replying to me.

Unfortunately I think you may be right on the needing more time before following through.

Hurts to hold on.

But regretting a permanent choice would be worse.

 

[Unsure and alone]

I suppose I always keep an open mind on this forum, no matter how bad a person's situation may be their feelings towards it are genuine. If someone is willing to ctb then they must've been in a lot of pain, and that to me is enough.

WHO do I think shouldn't ctb? People who don't want to. Also minors because the school setting is shitty and getting out of it might help.

Sometimes I think the saddest thing isn't that someone died but rather that they hurt enough to decide to make that call.

Hopefully peace can be found by all
In this life or in the end.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So sorry for all the pain you are in. I know hugs don't help much. I don't have any answers. I hope things will get better for you.

 

[MyLuckyStars]

- Deciding whether or not you're going to leave goodbye notes, and eventually what to write

this is the big takeaway id say. perhaps the whole point of ctb, at least for me, would be that it serves as an ultimate, irrefutable punctuation to whatever you choose to put in that note. it can set loved ones at ease, or nibble at the consciences of your malefactors. the why you died and what you died for, thats whats in a note. unfortunately, some people are too thickheaded to "get it" no matter what you say. but for those who can, it provides meaning to what can often appear, to others, as a spontaneous reasonless tragedy.

 

[Mayonaise]

this is the big takeaway id say. perhaps the whole point of ctb, at least for me, would be that it serves as an ultimate, irrefutable punctuation to whatever you choose to put in that note. it can set loved ones at ease, or nibble at the consciences of your malefactors. the why you died and what you died for, thats whats in a note. unfortunately, some people are too thickheaded to "get it" no matter what you say. but for those who can, it provides meaning to what can often appear, to others, as a spontaneous reasonless tragedy.

I don't think people are too "thickheaded", maybe they just don't feel like leaving notes for very specific reasons (i.e. lack of connection with others, bad relationship with relatives, etc.)
Everybody has his own story, I would definitely leave notes because I have a supportive family, but sadly this is not always the case. I respect any decision as long as it's made with a sound mind

 

[MyLuckyStars]

I don't think people are too "thickheaded", maybe they just don't feel like leaving notes for very specific reasons (i.e. lack of connection with others, bad relationship with relatives, etc.)
Everybody has his own story, I would definitely leave notes because I have a supportive family, but sadly this is not always the case. I respect any decision as long as it's made with a sound mind

oh i didnt mean it like that, i meant the people left behind to read the note sometimes are

 

[Mayonaise]

oh i didnt mean it like that, i meant the people left behind to read the note sometimes are

You are free to express your feelings and opinions, everybody is. I just misinterpreted your post

 

[Unsure and alone]

this is the big takeaway id say. perhaps the whole point of ctb, at least for me, would be that it serves as an ultimate, irrefutable punctuation to whatever you choose to put in that note. it can set loved ones at ease, or nibble at the consciences of your malefactors. the why you died and what you died for, thats whats in a note. unfortunately, some people are too thickheaded to "get it" no matter what you say. but for those who can, it provides meaning to what can often appear, to others, as a spontaneous reasonless tragedy.

Amazing coincidence I'd see these replies Tonight.
A night I've been considering words for a possible note.

One of the hardest ones for me to try and write.

 

[pepe_felipe]

Honestly I wish you the best mate. No matter what option you choose to get through this I wish you well, peace/comfort and all.

 

[Unsure and alone]

Honestly I wish you the best mate. No matter what option you choose to get through this I wish you well, peace/comfort and all.

Thanks