Venting Just some random thoughts

[Pennyroyal]

Honestly speaking I often feel very nervous and anxious when sharing my thoughts in public (and also Internet). But since I have decided to ctb this April, I just want to write something about my relationship with death/suicide.
Kinda of like a way to review my pathetic life? lol




Suicide has been like a shadow companion since my middle school. Sometimes it's very quiet, only stabbing me when I see a tall building, a knife or the train, inspiring some associations about death, "This building is not tall enough to jump off and die", "Cutting is the least successful way because the arteries of the human body are hidden in a very deep place and the brain gets its own ideas when you do it", and so on. Sometimes it was so noisy and loud that all my thoughts and ideas were related to death.
I had my first attempt at 15 but being caught by my mom in the middle of the way. And my mom just screaming and yelling and crying in front of me, saying that my eating disorder, my mental health issue, everything everything I have done just ruined the whole family. I stood there and apologized after she calmed down.

And well, after that there was a time period when everything went relatively smoothly. I ran away, lived with my best friend, and prepared for college entrance exam. Being able to breathe, not wanting to die that much - of course! Doesn't mean I don't want to die, it just I am having more concerns.
Fear of pain for one thing, not having the luxury of being alone for another, and I don't want my grimy body (hanging, jumping from high building and lying on tracks would make the bodies look horrific…) traumatizes innocent people, especially my best friend. I have the right to make decisions about my life and body, but shouldn't let my decisions hurt others.

Ignore the anxiety and depression and painful breakdowns of the past few years of living in another country, now I can calmly start buying what I need in the moment, writing my plan, and thinking about how to say goodbye feels more or less like due to the relationship with death and suicide that I've carried out over the past few decades.
Suicide doesn't mean I don't love the world, or that my life is full of regret and misery and a mess. By no means! I've met lots of kind people, traveled to lots of places, ate lots of good food, watched lots of good movies and shows, I've been creative, written, drawn, made crafts, and last year I even created my oc. Even up to the moments of typing these words, I still have some things I want to do and promise made with friends in the past.
But, phew, it is a great journey but I think maybe it is the time for me to get off.

Oh I hope there can a separate post each time I replied…but nvm I think I will just continue talking to myself.

 

[Pennyroyal]

just told my best friend my plan to catch the bus because she is not pro-life and we have talked about death and my previous suicide attempts several times. She thanked me for being honest and did not stop me or doubt my decision. But still, she cried, which is understandable. I am glad she said she really appreciated me telling my decision months in advance instead of two or three days. I felt a little sad as well when she said "I am so sad because right now I don't have the ability to say a proper goodbye to you. I am so sad that the world has treated you this way and you still be so gentle." She lives in Japan, which is far, far away. She said she wanted to handle my funeral, but the plane ticket was too expensive and she couldn't afford it. I said I wished only there was a better way to say goodbye, and I was not gentle; also, if it's legal to scatter ashes in the ocean, maybe one day I will float to your place someday (so you can meet me).
And then we played Splatoon :D
I don't know if it sounds so weird that I am calm and determined. But well, I am just so tired, catching the bus is a relief for me, for real. Like I have been hung in there for years, surviving through almost nine years of school bullying by both classmates and teachers, escaping from an abusive mom and sexual assaults from family members, enduring my mental health issues, and so on. I used to think studying and working in another country may be a fresh start for my life but I was wrong. I tried very hard to find a foot and have a foothold but well...Oh btw I hate American culture like why are connections and networking so important? No neurodivergent-friendly.
The moment I know there are ways I can ctb without pain I know it is the time to end my fight and finally have a peaceful sleep.

 

[Pennyroyal]

Another weekend. I thought this could be a peaceful and calm weekend where I do my laundry and cleaning, play video games and read some books.
But it was all ruined by my father's messages. I don't know why every time when he texted me I throw up everything I eat and can't control myself but screaming and scratching my skin. It is like a conditioned reflex. Even he is far far away, like there is an ocean between two of us. I just can't control all my behaviors.
And now my head hurts, my stomach hurts, I literally can't do anything but lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. I am so tired and exhausted. If it is in the past, maybe I could find some traces of hatred and resentment within my heart. but now I can't find any of these emotions.
Maybe I will take some medicine later. I hope I can sleep through the whole weekend.

 

[_D_]

I really enjoyed reading your thoughts, so please share them whenever.

Suicide has been like a shadow companion since my middle school. Sometimes it's very quiet, only stabbing me when I see a tall building, a knife or the train, inspiring some associations about death, "This building is not tall enough to jump off and die", "Cutting is the least successful way because the arteries of the human body are hidden in a very deep place and the brain gets its own ideas when you do it", and so on

I really like this passage and I can relate to it.

 

[Pennyroyal]

Phew, severe headache and fever. Another weekend lying in bed lol
I get really, really sick whenever I see comments like "it's easy to kill yourself, death is so simple and easy, it's just a moment of pain; what's fantastic and mature is to grit your teeth and get through all the pain and stress". Why think suicide is so easy. Why rationalize torture. Why so sure that someone prolonging their suffering is a better outcome. Why glorify the paths that didn't go through. Why convict the meaning and goal of life is to be great and mature, and why so sure that greatness are measured by pain and suffering. Why being so arrogant. Why can't just respect a person's choice to exercise their right to die.
I always believe that the prerequisite for freedom is the right to commit suicide.
Suicide is a trial, but it is difficult to say whether it is a trial from society or from the self, or whether the two are essentially indivisible, since society being a collection of selves.
One of the characters I remember most about suicide is Kirillov in Demons, who chooses to shoot himself in order to prove that life is in his own hands, to challenge God, to become or transcend God. I still quite like this character and his assertion that it is suicide that puts one in complete control of one's life, that it is one's self and not fate that determines one's life.
Suicide is a human behavior, a deliberate act, and a non-instinctive act. Suicide is an announcement to the world, an announcement of the self, not a defection from the world, but to force the world to accept one's existence, the most drastic way for someone who otherwise cannot fit into the world to make the world accept them.