Venting Just so done man

[antihydra]

I'm just so fucking exhausted at this point. 7 fucking years of severe depression, suicidal ideation, abuse, dissociation, etc etc fucking etcetera!!!!!

there is no life out there left for me!!!! there is no life that could possibly fill up this fucking sinking pit in my chest!!!!! there is no life for people like me!!!! i have a fucking job somehow. SOMEHOW i got hired despite my stupid goddamned autism. but its been two weeks since i was hired and i still have had no shift and i need to move out of my parents house NOW. i need to fucking run away i cannot possibly live like this any longer. i have disappeared from all my social medias for days on end and the ONLY ones who have bothered to ask if im okay are two people i play minecraft with that my supposed "best friend" introduced me to. its just been fucking silence from everyone i care about and its so so loud.

i tried to improve myself. i really really fucking tried. i got into skincare, i allowed myself to buy clothes new, i worked and worked to fix my sleep schedule, i went out and applied for jobs for fucks sake. but it all amounts to nothing. fucking nothing. nothing i do will make my father kinder to me and all i want at the very least is the courtesy to just fucking leave me alone. but no. i tried deep-cleaning my room in an adhd-induced fit of needing to clean. i moved furniture, sorted through books, and moved everything outside my room to decide what to put back in. i was doing what fucking worked for my stupid stupid stupid fucking autistic braina nd he just fucking LOST it on me i KNOW you dont care about what i need you dont need to say it directly i fucking know that you hate me i know you hate me. i kust dont idnerstand why you couldntjust let me sort through things in.peace all i want is peace i just want peace. i cant take it any longer i dont want to wait anymote ifbi really make my mom want to kill herself like she said then id be better off gone right? right? its either her or me and shes made it a lot fucking farhter than i have so she deserves to stick sround right? right? right???? if youre okay 8wi th me runningaway on xmas eve barefoot in nothingbut a light sweater anf leggings then youre okaywith just fucking killing myself . i need to. i need to. tomorrow i am going to go get 2 more grams of d diphenhydramine andd i am goingto use thepercocet in her car anf i am going to get antiemetics so it works. and if it doesnt work im just goinf to fucking shootmyself i cant take it anymoar its beenlike this since i was 11 and howdo you even get suicidal at 11. how fucking horrible of a person foyou have to be to want to kill yourself at 11. whats wrong with you. you stupid fucking monster i wish you had done it sooner. all you do is hurt peiple and youre goingto hurt them evenmore tomorrow but its okay because theresnothing in the afterli fe roght? so you dont have to worry abou y them right? fucking sociopath i wishyou were never fucking born.

just cre mate my disgusting body. there r only a hand ful ofpeople i know would care enoguh to come to my funeral anyw ay. if it doesnt work jusyfucking eithanize me please so i ,can be with her again. please. please. please. i dont want help anymore im done crying outfor it im done. i am never going to feel better. i amnever going to'functjon' or be worthy of love or effort or anythign anything at all. i am kust going to keep hurtingthe people around me and driving them away until im left all alonez . ag least doing it soon i can die in the delhsion that someone, anyone gave a single fuck ahout me . i am going to do it tomorrow. i am going to kill myself tomorrow. k am going to leave a lnote saying "cremate me." to my dad and a heartfelt thank you and apology to my mom and to my friends i am going to tell them that i loved and appreciated them so dearly and thatthey cannot blame themselves i cannot rdo that to r and r not after their best friend lkiklled khimself too. another trans guy inmy town. two fucking statistics, both of us. hope i can find the peace he did. i just cant fucking take it anymore ive been searching forsometjhing to hold onto for so lojg and not even my specialinterest provides thay for me . i cant ffucking takeit anymore i need out. just let me out pleas fucking let me out

 

[ccake]

hi, im sorry u have to go through all of this it sounds really tiring and stressful and I really hope you find peace soon whether it be with or without ctb. I'm going through a terrible time myself as well, im trying to push through it but im honestly not sure how much longer I can last. I haven't read all of this yet and I am reading while I type this out, but I just want you to know that your post doesn't go unnoticed

 

[antihydra]

hi, im sorry u have to go through all of this it sounds really tiring and stressful and I really hope you find peace soon whether it be with or without ctb. I'm going through a terrible time myself as well, im trying to push through it but im honestly not sure how much longer I can last. I haven't read all of this yet and I am reading while I type this out, but I just want you to know that your post doesn't go unnoticed

thank you. so muchh. truly. this means so muchand the fact that you just tookthe time to read any of that messy, narcissistic rambling is just so so kind. thank you

 

[ccake]

thank you. so muchh. truly. this means so muchand the fact that you just tookthe time to read any of that messy, narcissistic rambling is just so so kind. thank you

no problem and you dont need to thank me, i could imagine how u felt typing all of that, i know it feels terrible and id preferably not see someone else go through the same thing alone

 

[antihydra]

no problem and you dont need to thank me, i could imagine how u felt typing all of that, i know it feels terrible and id preferably not see someone else go through the same thing alone

yeah - sucks that lives like ours are worse than death. im so glad you seem to have found a sense of community here

 

[BBY]

You tried your best man. I'm proud of you for making it this far. Whatever you end up deciding, I hope you find peace and joy :]

 

[iamanavalanche]

youve tried so hard and im sorry your effort isnt being recognised. but i hope you know that there are people who appreciate you (me) and know that you are doing the best you can. always here if you need to talk :)

 

[hacha]

I am sorry that you felt that way for so long, you dont deserve it. You seem like a very emotional and fun person, I wish you get better soon. I liked the suicide note "cremate me" very clear and concise hahsha

 

[Ichigo]

The people above me have already said plenty of wonderful and supportive things so my comment probably won't mean much, but i just wanna say that you're doing the best you can right now. don't listen to anyone who says you're not doing enough and dont blame yourself right now for not doing as much as your folks expect you to. your life is very hard and you still try to strive everyday, that takes a lot of strength and willpower. If your mom or dad were in your shoes, they wouldn't be saying those things.