Venting Just realized I'll probably never actually kill myself

[UninformedLover]

I've been suicidal since I was barely a teen. When I got to highschool I set a "goal" to kill myself by 15. I tried and chickened out several times. 15 years old and I'm still alive so I move the goalpost to 18 years old. I was so sure of killing myself so I stopped putting effort into school. My grades and attendance suffered severely but none of that mattered to me bc I was convinced I would not be alive by then so who cares? Im 18 years old now, about to graduate highschool and I'm still alive so I tell myself by 20 yrs old I'll finally do it.

I'm 22 rn, still alive with no job, no friends, no money, no significant other.... Nothing. I've tried a few times since then and now and every single time I chicken out. I wanted to get my life together, go back to college but the college I want to go too would never accept me because my grades are so shit and I'm poor so I could not afford it anyway...so that's done. And everytime I think about suicide or death I get so afraid. Afraid because I don't know what will happen when I die. What if it's worse than living? And it just makes me so frustrated at how much of a coward I am. So now I'll probably have to suffer until I die some other way.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I've been suicidal since I was barely a teen. When I got to highschool I set a "goal" to kill myself by 15. I tried and chickened out several times. 15 years old and I'm still alive so I move the goalpost to 18 years old. I was so sure of killing myself so I stopped putting effort into school. My grades and attendance suffered severely but none of that mattered to me bc I was convinced I would not be alive by then so who cares? Im 18 years old now, about to graduate highschool and I'm still alive so I tell myself by 20 yrs old I'll finally do it.

I'm 22 rn, still alive with no job, no friends, no money, no significant other.... Nothing. I've tried a few times since then and now and every single time I chicken out. I wanted to get my life together, go back to college but the college I want to go too would never accept me because my grades are so shit and I'm poor so I could not afford it anyway...so that's done. And everytime I think about suicide or death I get so afraid. Afraid because I don't know what will happen when I die. What if it's worse than living? And it just makes me so frustrated at how much of a coward I am. So now I'll probably have to suffer until I die some other way.

Hey I don't know if this'll help or not, but I'm dirt poor, as is my family, and I'm going to college on the federal Pell grant, it's only a community college, and I'll probably have to take out student loans for Uni but my main point is it's doable, just maybe a little harder.

 

[No_Lxve]

not encouraging for you to do anything but, I haven't heard anything about death being worse than living. a lot of people who were pronounced clinically dead but came to life have stated that they felt a sense of relief.

they have also stated that they felt like they were essentially sleeping forever.

but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

not encouraging for you to do anything but, I haven't heard anything about death being worse than living. a lot of people who were pronounced clinically dead but came to life have stated that they felt a sense of relief.

they have also stated that they felt like they were essentially sleeping forever.

but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

You are correct, mainly due to chemicals the brain releases to make dying as peaceful as possible. Even gunshot victims attest that dying is peaceful, and as they begin to die the pain fades away.

Now, I think if OP has hope still, they should try any avenue they want because it's kinda irreversible, if they don't and they're dead set, I respect that as well though.

I even knew a guy who died via a heart attack, he said it was just like darkness. Nothingness, he said it was pretty peaceful.

 

[glitterypearls]

that's the thing people don't talk about. when you feel suicidal or depressed from a young age. you tend to stop trying for your future because whats the point? then you become an adult and you basically ruined your future. I understand where you are coming from. I fucked my life up as a teenager too, I just got lucky since my family are financially extremely blessed. maybe fear of CTBing is because you don't want to CTB? you can feel suicidal and want to die but not actually want to do it? I feel this way sometime

I'm trying to learn new skills since it's better than wasting my time just being sad. see what things you like and if they can be skills that get you a job. if you have a PC/laptop and an internet. you can learn anything online. I know people who learned programming and 3D design just from free online resources/videos. youtube is filled with them. and they ended up getting a job because of it.

 

[karmacomeslater]

I've been suicidal since I was barely a teen. When I got to highschool I set a "goal" to kill myself by 15. I tried and chickened out several times. 15 years old and I'm still alive so I move the goalpost to 18 years old. I was so sure of killing myself so I stopped putting effort into school. My grades and attendance suffered severely but none of that mattered to me bc I was convinced I would not be alive by then so who cares? Im 18 years old now, about to graduate highschool and I'm still alive so I tell myself by 20 yrs old I'll finally do it.

I'm 22 rn, still alive with no job, no friends, no money, no significant other.... Nothing. I've tried a few times since then and now and every single time I chicken out. I wanted to get my life together, go back to college but the college I want to go too would never accept me because my grades are so shit and I'm poor so I could not afford it anyway...so that's done. And everytime I think about suicide or death I get so afraid. Afraid because I don't know what will happen when I die. What if it's worse than living? And it just makes me so frustrated at how much of a coward I am. So now I'll probably have to suffer until I die some other way.

Hey. I dont know about you, but i just think when we die we will be inside our own mind and "dream" for possibly forever. Maybe you can try some methods that will be easier without any pain?

 

[Time&Regret]

Lived your life....in a way. Currently 26, didn't give a shit about anything in HS, kinda let my life run off the rails at 18 due to parents being shit. Struggled but didn't get on my feet till 22. Here's the life plan I took and you can take too if you're staying and wanting to go to college
Sign up for your local community College (after getting a job). They don't care about your grades too much, they may make you take some remedial classes in certain subjects. Take out loans from fasfa and the school. If you're broke and no support system you'll qualify for free money (grants, scholarships, etc) out the ass. Go through 2 years of community College, get your associates, have decent to good grades, apply to transfer to UNI as they have college grades to go off now. That's what I've done. Currently in UNI with an associates under my belt, double major with 2.5 years left. I'm not saying this is an instant fix (I'm here) but if you need a direction, you can start here.

Also if you're interested in say medicine or something hands on but don't wanna do a full bachelor's. There's associates of applied science. This is stuff for like radiology tech, respiratory therapist, etc. Guys make like 50-80k with these. There's also IT programs and stuff like that. Community colleges have programs like these too

Good luck

 

[ghostofapoet]

I've been suicidal since I was barely a teen. When I got to highschool I set a "goal" to kill myself by 15. I tried and chickened out several times. 15 years old and I'm still alive so I move the goalpost to 18 years old. I was so sure of killing myself so I stopped putting effort into school. My grades and attendance suffered severely but none of that mattered to me bc I was convinced I would not be alive by then so who cares? Im 18 years old now, about to graduate highschool and I'm still alive so I tell myself by 20 yrs old I'll finally do it.

I'm 22 rn, still alive with no job, no friends, no money, no significant other.... Nothing. I've tried a few times since then and now and every single time I chicken out. I wanted to get my life together, go back to college but the college I want to go too would never accept me because my grades are so shit and I'm poor so I could not afford it anyway...so that's done. And everytime I think about suicide or death I get so afraid. Afraid because I don't know what will happen when I die. What if it's worse than living? And it just makes me so frustrated at how much of a coward I am. So now I'll probably have to suffer until I die some other way.

your post really just struck a chord with me because i'm kinda going through a parallel situation. the thing that's keeping me from ctb'ing is my lack of access to a lot of what i need. i thought of jumping, but the fear of the pain kept me from doing it - the thought of surviving + just lying there in a pool of blood and spasming bones... i thought of cutting myself but i could never take the blade to my skin + i'd chastise myself on whether or not i truly wanted to die because i was so hung up on the factor of pain even when living is somehow the ultimate pain. i'm on the road to getting kicked out of college, sent home to my religious, homophobic family, i have no friends, no love, i'm just so exhausted and it should be so easy to just jump but the fear of pain keeps me frozen and it's just this eternal fight within myself that exhausts me further. i understand feeling like a coward. i wish it were easier too.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it really is horrible feeling so trapped here, suicide really should be easier for us in this awful world. I could never fear death itself as I very strongly believe we just cease existing after this, with this existence not even being a distant memory and anyway there is no point to fearing death as we are destined for nowhere but to die eventually, it's our inescapable, inevitable fate.

 

[Unknown21]

Man, what are you afraid of! There is nothingness after death. That's so obvious. Death means immortal peace.

 

[Just someone]

I've been suicidal since I was barely a teen. When I got to highschool I set a "goal" to kill myself by 15. I tried and chickened out several times. 15 years old and I'm still alive so I move the goalpost to 18 years old. I was so sure of killing myself so I stopped putting effort into school. My grades and attendance suffered severely but none of that mattered to me bc I was convinced I would not be alive by then so who cares? Im 18 years old now, about to graduate highschool and I'm still alive so I tell myself by 20 yrs old I'll finally do it.

I'm 22 rn, still alive with no job, no friends, no money, no significant other.... Nothing. I've tried a few times since then and now and every single time I chicken out. I wanted to get my life together, go back to college but the college I want to go too would never accept me because my grades are so shit and I'm poor so I could not afford it anyway...so that's done. And everytime I think about suicide or death I get so afraid. Afraid because I don't know what will happen when I die. What if it's worse than living? And it just makes me so frustrated at how much of a coward I am. So now I'll probably have to suffer until I die some other way.

i am sorry to hear that, i had been telling myself the same thing- this year i'll surely do it. but when the moment finally comes i find myself in the same position my grades are suffering it is getting harder and harder to form connection with people. i wish to get in an accident and die there so i can myself don't have to be responsible for it.
but despite that i do think that there maybe a chance we can turn it around. both way is suffering might as well just chose one(as i don't believe i know what "afterlife" is like so assuming the worst here)
good luck

 

[Little_Suzy]

You don't need college to start a good career. You can learn a trade or work in a municipal job that provides their own training (e.g., firefighter).


You sound like me when I was debating getting a tattoo. At 18, I stated I wouldn't get a tattoo until 21. hahahahaha

Despite visiting countless tattoo parlors to watch others get theirs, I never got one. I'm sure I set another age, but I'm extremely happy to be tattoo-free. That would have been the biggest mistake of my life.

Not ctb'ing could be the best decision you ever make!