Just posting how low i feel. reflecting

[melonhead88]

Will it ever end? this will be a long one oh gosh.

every year i just get more depressed and lonelier. i have always hated myself but i've never experienced self loathing like this before. i cant find the want or need to do anything for myself anymore because i feel as though i don't deserve it.

i have no friends. i have no real family. my work closed down last week. i have no purpose. my whole life has been a series of self sabotage and now i'm an adult trapped in this cycle of actual hell.

i look back on my past and i used to have many friends and as a teenager i would go out all the time and i had hobbies and i was excited for life. i don't really know if it was the abuse from my mum growing up or my parents divorce or hearing my mum stab my dad or being constantly told i wasn't enough or that i was fat or i was this or that. i actually enjoyed school because it was my escape and i did well in school. i cared about things.
but school ended and i had to have a real adult life.

i don't remember having any motivation for anything then. it would come in bursts.

i've self harmed since i was 12, i'm 22 this year and i still cannot stop. i have destroyed my body from the scars and an eating disorder, which i feel like such a fraud because i'm a healthy weight now and my relationship with food is a lot better but i wish i could fall back into my unhealthy habits. maybe then i would feel a purpose. i've been in and out of therapy since i was 13 and tried multiple medications. i've been in inpatient multiple times for suicide attempts previously. each time coming out with the hope it'll be better this time.

last year in october my relationship was failing and we both said it wasn't working, we didn't love each other anymore. we should have broke up. we didn't. i cheated on him. we somehow rekindled our love and we are still together. it's pretty good for the most part. seeing how i've broken this man's confidence and trust and how different he has become because of my selfish impulsive actions pains me so much and i know no matter how hard he heals it will always play on his mind.

i've never hated myself more than i do now. i have failed my past self.

to 12 year old me

i know you're scared and i'm sorry it never got better. i know you are terrified of being at home but that's actually the good part. the abuse in your life right now is probably the happiest you'll ever feel because at least right now you have hope. i'm sorry my actions took that away from you year after year. i failed us.

sorry it's a long one. i gotta get something off my chest. i feel the end comig because i've always been so scared but now i'm not anymore. this was always going to be my path.
i'm hoping to ctb this month or the next.

it's what i deserve

 

[jodes2]

You deserve better sweetie. You don't deserve to suffer or die. You've only ever tried the best with what you were given treat yourself like you would do your 12 year old self

 

[ice-oxen]

I feel like you when I think about my younger self. Last year I took a trip to my hometown halfway across the country, and I visited my old elementary school. Walking past my old classroom and playground I was hoping for a sense of nostalgia and familiarity, but what I felt more strongly than anything else was regret that I didn't die during a simpler, happier time. Sure would've saved me and the people around me some grief.

 

[DukeDestroyer]

If I could talk to my 18 year old self. It would be some serious down to the bone conversation. I'd be telling it forget about going to uni, because you will never overcome your hatred for school. Forget about getting a GF till your in your 30's. Your not gay, but you are something else that you are struggling with. You don't know what exactly it is yet. You think you are NT, you're not. I have good news that you do not have a intellectual disability. But you have something that makes you appear like and sounds like you do. Simply because you can't mask it. You don't know what that means, you will figure it out soon enough. Forget about building another friends group, when the one you have breaks apart.

Forget what you are feeling right now. Your mental health will fall off a cliff and forever change you for the worse. Your 20's will be hell for you. You will experience decay in the perception of other people. You don't know why you are having paranoid thoughts about people. But you will soon find out. Your distrust in your family will grow. People will think your going to be homicidal killer until the age of 30. People will continue to abuse you till you have a horrid mental breakdown. Then again you're going to experience it after the year your best friend basically throws you away, causing you detrimental effects to your psyche. That scars your already scarred up mind. The mental breakdown will cause lifelong damage to you mentally that I'm still dealing with. You write an essay detailing what abuse has done to you. You struggle with trying to figure out how to get a GF. You turn to one mysterious man for advice. You think it will get better from here, it does not. It actually gets worse. You don't realize how fucked you are. The vast majority of the goals you set for yourself will never be reached. Stop being an optimist, you're just hurting yourself. You're going to grow to hate people, and you're going to love it. Being alone is torture, but you will never want to leave it. You will never become a black belt in the martial art you love. You will love nothing because of the hell you face, but don't even realize it. You are in a jail cell.

High on THC right now. Yeah that's just small snippet of what I would tell my 18 year old self.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered a lot and it must be so tiring being trapped in that situation. But anyway, best wishes.

 

[melonhead88]

update. we broke up last night. we had a physical fight because he got drunk and screamed in my face. he started to strangle me and hit my head so i bit him to get him away and he got me arrested. i haven't spoken to him today